The Ultimate Joke Thread

[Darth Marsden]

Just an idea, but since we get so many jokes told around here, why not put them all in one thread?

I'll start with a bunch you might enjoy.

-X-

A vicar is walking along a riverbank when he sees Frank, one of his congregation, loading his rod and tackle into his boat. 'Fancy a quick go, Vicar?' he asks.
'I can't today', comes the reply, 'I've got the Archbishop coming for lunch'.
But sure enough, 5 minutes later the pair are out in the water fishing. Suddenly, Frank gets a massive bite and he and the vicar spend the next half-hour wrestling the thing aboard. 'Look at the size of that fucker!' says Frank when the monster finally lies defeated on the boat.
'Frank', tuts the vicar, 'it really is a prize specimen but the use of such language is unforgivable!'
'You don't understand Vicar,' says Frank, thinking fast. 'This fish really is called a Fucker. Er... why don't you take it home for the Archbishop's lunch?'
The vicar accepts and offers his thanks, and so 15 minutes later he returns to the vicarage and smacks the fish down onto the table. 'Look at the size of this Fucker!' he exclaims to his housekeeper.
She's shocked. 'A fine fish it is, but I can't believe you'd use such language in the vicarage!' The vicar explains that it's the name of the fish as he cleans the thing up, and so, slightly happier, she takes the fish from the vicar and takes it to the kitchen to cook.
Soon the Archbishop arrives and sits down to lunch with the vicar. In comes the housekeeper with the cooked fish, and the Archbishop remarks at its size. 'Oh', says the housekeeper, 'well, Frank caught the Fucker, the vicar cleaned the Fucker up and I cooked the Fucker for your lunch!'. The Archbishop beams, kicks off his shoes and starts rolling up a joint. 'You know', he says, 'you bastards are all right.'

-X-

A man walks into a bar ('Ouch!') and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses on the bar and fills them all with Scotch. Quickly the man downs them one after the other until he's gotten through all 12.
'So', says the bartender, 'what are you celebrating?'
'My first blow job', says the man.
'Well then, let me buy you one more!' the bartender smiles.
'Nah, thanks', says the man. 'If 12 doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will.'

-X-

Standing at a urinal, one man turns to the guy next to him. 'Excuse me', he says, 'but I couldn't help noticing you've been circumcised.'
'Er, yes', says the other man, somewhat baffled. 'I am Jewish'.
'And your surgeon was Dr Abraham Winklehock, right?'
The second man is amazed. 'Yes! But how on earth did you know? It was over 30 years ago!'
'Bastard never could cut straight,' says the first man. 'You're pissing on my shoe.'

-X-

A man isn't getting on very well with his wife, and thinks that getting a pet that they can both care for will help. After mooching around the pet store he suddenly spots a parrot on a small perch. It doesn't have any legs, and thinking out loud, the man mutters 'Huh. Wonder what happened to you, little guy.'
To his surprise, the parrot responds 'It was a birth defect.'
The man is amazed. 'You understand me?'
'Every word', the parrot replies. 'I'm a highly intellegent and thoroughly educated bird.'
'Okay', says the man. 'But... how do you hang onto your perch?'
Somewhat embarrassed, the parrot replies 'Well, you can't see it for my feathers, but... I use my penis as a sort of... well, hook'.
The man is amazed, and after a few minutes chatting realises that the bird is more educated and friendly then some of his friends. Making his mind up, he looks at the price tag, only to see to his dismay that it reads £200. The parrot notices his concern and motions the guy closer with his wing. 'Look mate. The owner's desperate to get rid of me, cause of my... condition. Just make an offer, he'll take it.'
So the man makes an offer of £20 and, sure enough, he walks out of the store with the parrot. Weeks go by and the bird is sensational. He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice and he even helps the man and his wife get closer again. The man is delighted - until one day, when he comes home from work and is beckoned over by his multicoloured friend.
'Look mate, I feel awful about this, but I think you ought to know about your wife', he wispers to the man. 'See, the postman came to the door this morning and... well, she was waiting for him in that sexy nightie you bought her last Christmas.'
The man is shocked, and presses him for more information. 'Well, they started kissing and the postman... well, he lifted up the nightie and started rubbing her breasts.'
'Ah no!' exclaims the man. 'What happened then?'
'He... he tooks her nightie off and started kissing her breasts... then he started moving down and...'
The parrot pauses. 'Then what? What happened next?' says the man frantically.
'I don't know', says the parrot, sheepishly. 'That's when I fell off my perch.'

-X-

A little blind girl goes up to her mum. 'Mummy', she says, 'when will I be able to see?'
Smiling kindly, her mum replies 'I'll tell you what. I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes. You should be able to see tomorrow morning.'
With the little girl jumping excitedly, the two head out into town. They return with the cream and that evening, the mother rubs the balm onto her little girl's eyes. 'Aah, Mummy!' cries the girl. 'It stings!'
'Be brave' consoles her mother, and wraps her head in bandages before putting her to bed. The next morning the little girl tumbles into her mum's bedroom. 'Quick Mummy', she says, 'take off the bandage!' And so, slowly, the mother peels off the bandages while her daughter braces herself for the big moment. 'But Mummy' says the girl once the final bandage is removed, 'I still can't see.'
Her mother smiles sympathetically. 'Yes dear' she replies, 'April Fool.'

-X-

Ted's a bus conductor, until one fateful morning when he tells the bus driver to pull away as a frail old lady is boarding. Tragically she's killed. Ted is convicted of manslaughter and, residing in Texas, faces death by electric chair. 'Any last requests?' asks the executioner.
'Well', says Ted, 'I see you've an unripe banana there. Mind if I have it?'
The executioner agress, Ted polishes off the fruit and the switch is flipped - but when the smoke clears Ted is still very much alive. Not sure what else to do, the authorities set him free and before long ted is back on the buses... then disaster. The same accident befalls another commuter. Ted is once more sent to the chair, once more gobbles down an unripe banana and once more survives.
He returns to society again, but tragedy! Three children are pulled under the bus and it's back to the chair. Come last request time the executioner produces an unripe banana and a few minutes later, Ted's ready. The switch is thrown, all the prison lights go out... and there's Ted, fit as a fiddle.
'Why won't you DIE?' screams the executioner. 'It's that fucking banana, isn't it!'
'No', wimpers Ted. 'I'm just a really bad conductor.'

-X-

Let's keep 'em coming!

[rocksfan13]

Thanks Darth! A specific thread for jokes! Awesome!:thumbsup:

[ShadowTiger]

... "-X-" ...


An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."


-X-

Things you don't want to hear when lying on the operating table

What's this doing here?

Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

I didn't hear anything in med school about small, hissing reptilian creatures crawling through the patient's stomach.

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.



-X-


Lessons From Hollywood

1. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a martial arts fight: your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one.
2. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
3. All beds have special L-shaped sheets that reach the armpit of a woman, but only the waist of the man lying beside her.
4. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
5. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to over-ride the communications system of any invading alien society.
6. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
7. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least half an hour to escape.
8. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
10. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
11. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
12. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
13. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off, but luckily you'll always blindly choose to cut the
right wire.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.



-X-


A Gorilla In A Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini. Bartender has never seen a gorilla in the bar, doesn't know what to do so he goes to the back to ask his boss.

Boss says, "Go ahead and serve him. But overcharge him - gorillas aren't too smart."

Bartender goes back to the bar, serves the gorilla a martini. Gorilla pays with a ten dollar note, and bartender gives him one dollar back in change.

Bartender is really curious. "You know," he says, "we don't get many gorillas in here."

"No wonder," says the gorilla, "with these prices!"



-X-


Backfiring Tricks

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes."



-X-


(One of my favorites. :p You really have to imagine this.)

First Time Cab Driver

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."


-X-


And my all time favorite:


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God-Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and drive my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

[rocksfan13]

Here's a good one for you guys!

3 guys die and go to heaven.

They are all standing in front of St. Peter waiting for passage.

St. Peter turns to them and speaks.

"Welcome gentlemen, to Heaven. Before I let you pass, I need to figure out what kind of vehicle you will ride around with in heaven. Now, this vehicle is decided by how faithful you were to your spouse. I remind you, I will now if you are lying, so tell the truth."

The man begins to sweat.

He steps up and St. Peter askes him, "What's your story Miles?"

Miles wipes the sweat from his forehead and replies,"Well you see, uh, I didn't really much like my wife. I, uh, don't think you will have anything shiney for me, uh. But, to be honest, I, uh, always messed around, with anyone that would let me."

St. Peter shakes his head and replies,"Although I admire your honesty for admitting your unfaithfulness, I still have no choice but to give you this...", he points to a red bicycle. "Hope you enjoy this more than you did your spouse."

He grabs it and rides it on in.

The second guy steps up and St. Peter asks him, "What's your story Bob?"

Bob replies, "Well, I wasn't as good as the other guy. I messed around a little."

"What's a little?", asked St. Peter.

"About 5 or 6 times. But we were married for a long time."

St. Peter replied,"Well Bob, I see that you had a long relationship and weren't totally unfaithful and thus are awarded this...", then points to an orange motor scooter. "Have fun."

The next guy steps up and St. Peter asks him, "What's your story Gerry?"

Gerry replies,"Well, sir. I was the greatest husband of all! I never did anything unfaithful to my wife. I was very good."

St. Peter then replied,"I see this to be true. And because of your faith you will be rewarded with this....", then points to a red mustang convertable. "Enjoy!"

He then takes of with his new car.

Now, about 3 weeks down the road, Bob still has his scooter and obviously Miles has ditched the bike. They were both on Bob's scooter riding down a road and come by Gerry.
They see him sitting on his bumper crying his eyes out. They go up to him and ask,"What's wrong Gerry? You got this great car, lots of women chasing you around, what could be wrong?"

He looks up with tears in his eyes and answers, "I just saw my wife go by on a SKATEBOARD!"

[Darth Marsden]

Some quickies:

Why did the woman cross the road?
Sod that - what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

What would it take to reunite the Beatles?
Two bullets.

How do you confuse a dickhead?
Fourty-Two.

What type of bees produce milk?
Boobees!

How do you kill an entire circus at once?
Go for the Jugguler.

What do you call a lesbian with big fingers?
Well hung.

What's grey, sits and the end of your bed and takes the piss?
A dialysis machine.

What have Kermit the From and Henry the VIII got in common?
Their middle name.

Where would you find a duck with no legs?
Where you left it.

What happened when Jesus went to Mount Olive?
Popeye kicked the shit out of him.

What do blondes use for protection during sex?
Bus shelters.

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

What's long, thin and smells of piss?
Pensioners doing the conga.

What's the difference between your penis and your bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus.

What's pink and hangs out your pants?
Your mum.

Why was the blonde sacked from the sperm bank?
She was caught drinking on the job.

What did the Buddhist say to the hotdog seller?
Make me one with everything.

How do you make a bear cross?
Nail two of them together.

[Archibaldo]

A woman is currently having an affair. One day, her husband comes home earl from work. The woman then tells her boy friend to hide. So he does. When the husband gets home, he sees his wife naked and immediately knows that she was having sex with another man. He looks every where but doesn't find him. He then walks over to the balcony and looks down. On the floor below, there is a man hanging on the railing. The husband then pushes the fridge over the edge and it lands on the man hanging below. Then the wife then comes up behind the man and pushes him out the window.

Up in heaven the husband and the man are at the pearly gates. St. Peter asks the husband how he died. The husband replies "I was pushed out a window". St. Peter lets him through the gates. The next man comes up. St. Peter askes hm how he dies. He replies "I was excersizing on the balcony and slipped off and fell a few floors. I then caught hold of the railing of the balcony when suddenly a crazed maniac drops a fridge on me." St. Peter lets him in. Then a third guy comes up and St. Peter gives him the same question. "Well, I was sitting in a refridgerator naked..."

[Darth Marsden]

Two men were playing golf when, during their round, they saw two women playing at the hole in front of them. Not only were these women absolutely terrible golfers - they kept slicing the ball, missing their shots, the whole works - but they didn't wave the men through, as golf ettiquete dictates.

After waiting a full half-hour, one of the men has had enough. 'That's it! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind!' he says, and storms over towards the women. Halfway over though, he stops, turns back and returns to the other man.

'I can't do it! That's my wife AND my lover!' he says, shocked. The other man gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to the women, but he too stops and returns. Rather sheepishly, he says 'It's a small world, isn't it?'

[moocow]

After a long night of passion, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, Tony replied, "That's me before the operation."

[rocksfan13]

Two men were playing golf when, during their round, they saw two women playing at the hole in front of them. Not only were these women absolutely terrible golfers - they kept slicing the ball, missing their shots, the whole works - but they didn't wave the men through, as golf ettiquete dictates.

After waiting a full half-hour, one of the men has had enough. 'That's it! I'm gonna give them a piece of my mind!' he says, and storms over towards the women. Halfway over though, he stops, turns back and returns to the other man.

'I can't do it! That's my wife AND my lover!' he says, shocked. The other man gives him a sympathetic look and walks over to the women, but he too stops and returns. Rather sheepishly, he says 'It's a small world, isn't it?'


God! Imagine the foursome these people could have! WOW!

An indian walks into a brothel and walks upi to the pimp and states
"Me horney. Me want woman now!"
The pimp takes his money and directs him to room on the balcony.
The man goes up and disappears in a room.
About 10 minutes later there is loud screaming coming from that room.
The pimp runs up and swings the door open to find the women screaming at the indian.
"Dude! What the hell are you doing?" He yells "Leave and come back when you know what you're doing!"
He does so and the next night he returns and says
"Me ready. Me want woman!"
The pimp says
"Are you sure?"
"Yes" he says.
He then sends him upstairs again.
15 minutes later comes another scream.
Again the pimp runs up to find the same thing.
"Dude! You still don't know what you're doing. Leave and go practice on tree for about a week and then come back."
He does so.
About 3 weeks later the man returns.
"Me definately ready now."
"Are you sure this time?" asks the pimp.
"Yes. Me ready!"
He takes his money and sends him up.
About 2 minutes later comes the loudest scream the pimp has ever heard.
He runs up the steps and swing open the door to find the man jamming a broom stick into the women.
"Dude! What the F*** are you doing?"
The man looks up and replies
"Me check for bees!"

[moocow]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

------

A blond guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!" The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. "You bastard!" says the husband, "My wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"

------

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week."

------

"The Related Sale" was the subject of a pep talk given recently by the manager of a certain super-drug store.

"For instance, if a customer wants razor blades," he told employees, "ask him how he's fixed for shaving cream and after-shave lotion. That way you can turn a small sale into a bigger one and make more commission."

The youngest clerk was very impressed with the talk and was eager to try the technique on his very next customer. This turned out to be a rather embarrassed gentleman who shyly requested a box of Kotex for his wife.

Ten minutes later, the manager of the store was amazed to see The customer staggering out loaded down with assorted fishing equipment, tackle, nets, boots and a one-man inflatable life raft.

"What happened?!" The manager gasped, and the clerk modestly attributed his success to "The Related Sale."

"Related Sale!" Exclaimed the manager. "But all he wanted was a box of Kotex."

"I know," said the clerk. "So I said, 'Look, mister, there isn't going to be much doing around your house this weekend. Why don't you take a fishing trip?'"

------

A Kindergarten teacher was giving a lesson to her pupils, and she asked them, "Ok, if three birds are sitting on a fence, and I shoot one, how many are left?"

One of the boys raised his hand and the teacher called on him, "None," he answered. "No, I'm sorry, the answer is TWO," the teacher replied. "But," returned the boy, "if you shot at one bird, wouldn't the other two fly away?" "Well, that's still not the right answer," began the teacher, "but I like the way you think!"

"Ok, now I have a question for you," started the boy. "If three women are standing on a sidewalk eating ice cream and one is just nibbling at it, one is really licking it, and the other is shoving it deep down into her throat... how can you tell which one is married?"

"Now, I really don't like this question," lectured the teacher, "but I would have to say it is the third one." The boy glanced casually at his teacher, "Nope, it is the one wearing the ring... But," he added, "I like the way you think."

------

A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.

"Last night I made love to my wife four times," the Frenchman bragged, "and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man."

When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once," he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

------

Three men were walking aimlessly in the desert. They cam upon a castle, dying of thirst they decided to go into the castle. Inside they found no men, just dozens of beautiful women. The three men decided to stay (obviously, what man wouldn't). For a week they enjoyed themselves having sex many times a day with the many beautiful women. After a week, the king of the castle and his army of men came back. As he walked into his castle he found the three men with his women. Pissed off the king ordered his army to capture the three men and line them up against the wall. Then the king said that each of them would be serverly punished according to their occupation.

The king goes up the the first man and demands to know his occupation. The first man replies..."Fireman." The king tells his army, "Burn off his penis." Then he walked over to the second man and asked his occupation. Hesitating the man said...."I...I...I...I'm a police officer." The king ordered, "Shoot off his penis." Then finally the King asks the third man his occupation. With a huge smile on his face the man replied, "Lollipop salesman."

------

A young teenaged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl.

The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became frantic.

Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously," What are you lining up for dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl said that some people were giving out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.

"Mmmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma, "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But, you're so old, how do you do it?"

Grandma replied," Oh, it's quite easy sonny, I just remove my dentures, and suck 'em dry".

------

One night, a young boy heard noises from his parent's bedroom. It was hard for him, but he went back to sleep. The next night he heard the same noises, but once again fell back asleep. Finally, on the third day that he was woken up by his parents, he decides to see what the heck they are doing.

So he walks up to his parents room, and sees his mother on top of his father. She is moving up and down on top of him, and they both are making grunting noises. He has no idea what is going on, and decides to go back to bed.

The next morning the boy tells his mother about how they woke him up, and what he saw when he went to see what they were doing. Finally, he asks what was going on. His mother decides he is too young to learn about sex, so she tells him that since his father is getting old and fat, she has to jump on top on him to keep him thin.

"But mommy," the boy exclaims, "That won't work, cause everyday when you go to work, the next door neighboor comes over and blows him back up!"

[rocksfan13]

There is this school in the middle of this country somewhere where every Thursday the teacher would ask the children a question. If anyone ever got it right they would not have to come to class on Monday.

One time she asked them "How many gains of sand are on the beach?"
When they came in on Friday nobody had the answer.
The next Thursday she asked "How many stars are there?"
When they came in on Friday nobody had the answer.
One kid had enough of this and was determined to get Monday off.
That night he went home and found two tennis balls and painted them.
Then next day when the teacher gets ready to ask the question, he throughs the balls across the room.
The teacher then askes
"Who's the joker with the black balls?"
The kid jumps up and states
"Eddie Murphy! See ya Tuesday!"

[Jigglysaint]

What do you call a mentally challenged lion? A Leotard!

Why was the flower arrested for indecient exposure? Because they caught him with his plants down.

[Monica]

In a train carriage there was Bill Clinton, George Bush, Janet Reno and Bo Derek. After several minutes of the trip, the train passes through a dark tunnel and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.

When they leave the tunnel, Clinton has a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) Bo Derek thought - "That sleazeball Clinton wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on Janet Reno, who in turn must have slapped his face."

(2) Janet Reno thought - "That dirty Bill Clinton laid his hands on Bo Derek and she smacked him."

(3) Bill Clinton thought - "George put his hand on Bo Derek and by mistake she slapped me."

(4) George Bush thought - "I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack Clinton again."

[biggiy05]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to
them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?" "I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through t he sight in the
! direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can
see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's
naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......
He's naked, too!!! The ****!"

He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.

Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, and just a kid, so just
shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for
a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

[Darth Marsden]

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is rushed to hospital on the very cusp of death. After being given a quick jolt of the defibrillator the woman is revived, and she tells the doctors she had a near death experience.
'I saw God', the beaming woman explains. 'He told me that it was not my time and that I had a good 30 years left on this earth.'
The woman makes a good recovery from her trauma, and as a result of her meeting with God she decides to really enjoy life. Deciding on completely revamping her image, she checks into a clinic for the works - face job, liposuction, boob job and hair colouring. After a few weeks the makeover is complete and the woman looks stunning. She checks out and walks along the street, feeling bright and brezzy, full of hope for the future. She steps out at a zebra crossing and a lorry ploughs into her, killing her instantly.
The woman goes up to Heaven and stands in front of God, furious. 'I thought you said I had a good 30 years!' she cries indignantly.
'What can I say?' God says, embarresed. 'I didn't recognise you.'

-X-

After years of milking cows the old fashioned way, Farmer Giles decides to go high tech and orders a automatic milking machine. It arrives a few days later and, realising his wife is out for the day, decides to try it out on himself.
After setting it up, the farmer eases his cock into the equipment and turns it on. The sucking teat pleasures him better then anything he's ever felt but, when it's all over, the machine won't let go of his dick. In desperation, he calls the Customer Service Hotline. 'Hello', he winces, 'I've just bought a milking machine from your company. It works great but, er, how do I remove it?'
'Oh don't worry', replies the rep. 'The machine will automatically release once it's collected two gallons.'

-X-

An Irishman walks into a pub and orders three pints of Guinness, taking a sip out of each of them in turn. After a few minutes, the barman turns to him and says 'You know your pints are gonna go flat like that, right? It'd be better if you bought them one at a time.'
The Irishman replies 'Well, I have two brothers - one in America and one in Australia. We promised we'd all drink this way to remember the days we supped together.'
The barman nots in understanding and leaves him to it. Over the weeks the Irishman becomes a regular and always buys three drinks at a time... until one day when he orders just two pints. The other drinkers fall silent.
'I don't want to intrude on your grief' says the barman when the Irishman comes back for a second round, 'but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.'
'What?' queries the Irishman. 'Oh, you mean - no, my brothers are fine. I've just given up drinking.'

-X-

It's the final of the wrestling at the Olympics, and the field has been narrowed down to a Russian and an American competing for the gold. Before the bout, the American's trainer gives him a pep talk. 'Don;t forget all the research we've done into this guy', he says. 'He's never lost a match 'cause of this "Pretzel" hold he's got. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.'
The wrestler nods in agreement and the match begins. The combatants warily circle each other, looking for an opening, when suddenly the Russian lunges forward, grabs the American and wraps him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment goes up from the crowd while the trainer buries his face in his hands - he knows it's all over.
Suddenly there's a scream, followed by a cheer from the crowd. The trainer raises his eyes just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. His back hits the mat with a thud, the American weakly flops on top of him, gets the pin and wins the match.
The trainer's astounded! Rushing forward with a towel he throws it over his boy and hisses 'How the hell did you do that?'
'Well I was ready to give up', explains the wrestler, 'but at the last moment I opened my eyes and saw this bair of balls hanging right in front of me! Well, I had nothing to lose, so I stretched out and chimoped down on them as hard as I could.'
'And that worked!' says the trainer.
'Oh yeah. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls.'

[biggiy05]

A married guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful
blonde who waves at him and says "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where
he knows her from, so he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the ONLY time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My gosh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party where we did it on the pool table with all my buddies watching?

She looks shocked and then manages to stammer, "No sir, I'm your son's math teacher."

==========

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to mom and dads for the night.

In the morning, little Johnny gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, "No".

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think? "

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, he comes home and asks, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"

His mom says, "No."

Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "OK! What do you think?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[Darth Marsden]

A bloke is walking down the street one day when he finds a little oil lamp in the gutter. So he picks it up, give it a rub and out pops a genie. 'I grant you one wish', says the genie.
'Okay', says the man. 'I wish I could be really lucky for the rest of the day.' The genie snaps his fingers and poof! He's gone. So the man shrugs and starts walking down the road again, wishing he had some cash to try out his new-found luck, when all of a sudden he spots a £50 note lying in the gutter.
'How lucky', he says to himself, and promptly goes to the bookie and places it on 400-1 long shot. His horse comes in second. 'Oh well', he thinks to himself. All of a sudden there's an announcement - there's been a steward's enquiry and the winner has been disqualified, making his horse the winner!
'How lucky!' thinks the man.
After a day of incredibly good luck, he meets his friends in the pub and tells them all about it. They don't believe it, and set him a challenge. The Indian barmaid is sexy as hell - but nobody's managed to screw her yet. The man smiles and walks over to the barmaid, and they start chatting. The next thing he knows, he's giving her a good seeing to in the toilets. 'How lucky' he thinks.
After a couple of minutes though, he stops. 'Look, I'm sorry' he says to the girl. 'I know it's a religious thing, but I can't take my eyes off that red dot on your forehead. It's ruining my concentration.'
'Don't worry', she says back. 'It's just a bit of paint. Scratch it off.'
So he does.
'Bugger me! I've won a car!'

[AlexMax]

*stick*

[Darth Marsden]

Woo! I made a sticky! Yeah!

Mary pulls aside the Father following his Sunday morning service. She's in tears, and the priest is worried. 'What could possibly be bothering you, my child?'
'Oh Father', sobs Mary, 'I've terrible news - my husband passed away last night.'
'Oh sweet Jesus, Mary', says the Father. 'That's terrible news. I'm so sorry. Did he have any last requests?'
'That he did Father', replies Mary, 'That he did. He kept screaming 'Please Mary, put down the gun!''

-X-

A man is playing a practice round of golf when he notices a frog sitting next to the playing field. Thinking nothing of it, he takes out a six iron to play his shot when he hears: 'Ribbit. Nine iron.'
The man looks round, but there's on-one in sight, so he lines up his shot once more. 'Ribbit. Nine iron.'
He gives the frog a long look and, putting his other club away, grabs the nine iron. THWACK! He puts the ball not 20 cm from the hole. 'You must be a lucky frog' he tells the frog.
'Ribbit. Lucky frog', the creature replies.
The man picks up the frog and carries him to the next hole. 'What do you think, little fella?' he asks. 'Ribbit. Three wood' comes the reply.
The man takes out a three wood and BOOM! Hole in one! Two hours later he's played the best round of golf in his life, so he decides to take trhe frog to Las Vegas. As soon as the plane touches town the frog pipes up, 'Ribbit. Roulette'. As the wheel spins, the frog's there again: 'Ribbit. $3,000, black six.' The man plonks down all his money.
Result! Black Six! The man takes his winnings and checks into the best room in the hotel. He says to the frog 'I don't know how to repay you'.
'Ribbit. Kiss me', says the frog. The man puckers up - why not, after all the frog's done for him? And with that kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
'And that, Your Honour, is how she ended up in my room.'

[ShadowTiger]

I love these. :p Not quite a joke, but damn funny nevertheless.


HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS - Actual writings from hospital charts

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[slef]

Whats red and not there?







no tomatoes

[Darth Marsden]

More quickies.

Q. What's black, triangluar and sings?
A. Kate's Bush.

Q. What do priests and Christmas Trees have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. Why do blondes take the pill?
A. So they know what day of the week it is.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two... but how do they get in?

Q. What do you call a camel with four humps?
A. A Saudi Quattro.

Q. What do you call two lesbians in a cupboard?
A. A liquor cabinet.

Q. What do you call a Welshman with a sheep under each arm?
A. A pimp.

Q. What do elephants use as tampons?
A. Sheep.

Q. What does a 75-year-old woman have between her knees that a 25-year-old doesn't?
A. Her nipples.

Q. What do The Sixth Sense and Titanic have in common?
A. Icy dead people.

Q. How do you know if your wife has died?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes start piling up.

Q. Why is working in an office just like Christmas?
A. You do all the work, but some fat guy gets all the credit.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet and the other 10% on your dick.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant? He couldn't budget.

And finally, what's the difference between a British and an Iraqi soldier?
Don't know? Welcome to the United States Air Force!

[rocksfan13]

Medicating your pet.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as though holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to his cheeks. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Remove second pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open, and push pill to back of throat with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10, if you are able. Hold cat's mouth closed as well.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call for assistance.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws. Ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. Flick pill down ruler with forefinger, and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from living room curtain valance.

8. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth, and set aside for later gluing. Remove third pill from foil wrap.

9. Wrap cat in beach towel, and ask assistant to lie prone on cat with cat's head visible under assistant's armpit. Put pill in paper tube you've made for this purpose. Then, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow.

10. Check label to make sure pill is not lethal to humans. Sip water to take taste away. Apply bandage to assistant's forearm, and remove blood from carpet with soap and cold water.

11. Retrieve cat from neighbor's roof. Remove fourth pill from foil. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on cat's neck and head outside cupboard. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

12. Fetch screwdriver from garage, and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek, and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw bloodied, ripped T-shirt away, and fetch another from bedroom.

13. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

14. Call 911, ask fire department to retrieve cat from eucalyptus tree.

15. Remove remaining pill from foil wrap.

16. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and securely tie to leg of dining table. Put on heavy-duty pruning gloves. Force cat's mouth open with tire iron. Drop pill, previously hidden in an ounce of hamburger, into cat's mouth. Hold head vertically with nose pointed to ceiling, and pour half-pint of water down cat's throat, and two jiggers of whiskey down your own.

17. Ask assistant to drive you to emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor administers anesthetic, stitches fingers, forearm and removes pill fragments from eye.

18. Drop off cat, along with a generous donation, at animal shelter, and adopt a goldfish.

[granite]

There once was a man named Moby Dick
He had a corkscrew shaped prick
He searched the world high and low to find a girl with a corkscrew shaped hole.
But when he found her, he dropped dead,
For hers was a lefthand corkscrew thread.

[Darth Marsden]

Holy Crap, this thread's updating again! Umm...

A man is walking down the High Street when suddenly a nearby wall collapses, burying him in rubble. It's ten minutes before another passer-by - a smartly dressed man - happens to wander past. 'Christ! Are you okay mate?' he cries. 'Has anyone called an ambulance?'
'Uh... no' comes the agonised reply.
'Right. What about the police?' asks the second man.
'No' moans the injured man.
'Okay... how about the compensation board?'
By now the injured man is groggily angry. 'Look - you're the first one here!'
The smart man thinks for a minute. 'All right' he says, shifting some rubble. 'Move over then.'

[biggiy05]

I got this in an e-mail and thought it was funny. Maybe that's just because I have leopard geckos and do alot of herp rescues.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome
> including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below
will
> have
> you laughing out LOUD
>
> Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened:
>
> Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
> "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in
his
> room.
>
> "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad,
can you
> help?"
>
> I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him
into his
> bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking
> stressed I immediately knew what to do.
>
> "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"
>
> "Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having
babies!"
>
> "What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,
> Mom!"
>
> I was equally outraged.
>
> " Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
> reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
> "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
> inquired.
>
> "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my
most
> loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
> "Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
> "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
> informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice).
>
> By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I
> shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
> "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
> about to witness the miracle of birth."
>
> "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"
>
> "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter
of
> tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.
>
> We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a
tiny
> foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
> "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
> "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
> "Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
> "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it
next
> appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several
more
> times
> with the same results.
>
> "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they
could
> talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females
in
> my
> house?)
>
> "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
>
> We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
>
> "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
> "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women
can be
> so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing,
but
> this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
> The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the
little
> animal through a magnifying glass.
>
> "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
> "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I
speak to
> you privately for a moment?"
>
> I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
>
> "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.
>
> "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
> fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,
Ernie is
> a
> young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most
male
> species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on
his
> back."
>
> He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
> Cameron."
>
> We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited,"
my
> wife offered.
>
> "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
>
> More silence.
>
> Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then
even
> laugh loudly.
>
> "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the
woman I
> married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
> Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...
I'm
> picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for
more
> air
> to bellow in laughter once more.
>
> "That's enough!" I warned.
>
> We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back
into
> the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
> "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told
me.
>
> "Oh, you have NO idea!" Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with
> laughter.
>
> Cage - $50... Lizards - $140... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of
your
> husband pulling on a lizard's wacker..... Priceless!
>
> Oh, and for your information....
>
> LIZARDS LAY EGGS!!!!! :)

[Maverick_Zero]

The only girls I get anymore is because of who I am


A rapist


~Rodney Dangerfield

[Darth Marsden]

In a bid to encourage teamwork, representatives of the Navy, Army and Metropolitan Police are invited to a cross-forces outward-bound competition. With the scores even at the end of the weekend, the three groups are set one final task - to troop the woods and bring back a rabbit.
The Navy go in first. There's 15 minutes of quiet rustling before a single shot rings out. Before long, one naval officer emerges grinning from the undergrowth clutching a bunny neatly shot between the eyes.
Next up were the army - who, it became obvious from the smoke and crackling - were adopting a slash 'n' burn technique. After a couple of hours, one of the infantrymen emerged beaming, holding a rabbit, abliet slightly charred.
Finally it was the turn of the Met - highly confident they could secure victory. They descend into the foliage and quickly there are the echoes of gunfire. This continues for hours until - a full day later - the policemen walk out, triumphantly holding up... a slightly bloodied squirrel.
'What the hell?' yell the co-ordinator. 'You were supposed to get a rabbit!'
Wordlessly one of the Met officers holds up the squirrel. 'Listen!' it squeaks, wild-eyed. 'I'm a rabbit! For the love of god, I'm a rabbit!'

[ShadowTiger]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful bloodcurdling screams. "Don't worry about that," says St. Peter, "it's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings." The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams "Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?" "Not to worry,"says St. Peter, "She's just having her head
drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell." "You can't go there, "says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and sodomized." "Maybe so," says the old lady, "but I've already got the holes for that!"







=------------------------------------------------=








Some Laws of Physics Not in Standard Texts:

Law of Mechanical Repair:
After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

Law of the Workshop:
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of probability:
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of the Telephone:
When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

Law of the Alibi:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

Variation Law:
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

Bath Theorem:
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of Close Encounters:
The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result:
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

Law of Biomechanics:
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

Theatre Rule:
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

Law of Coffee:
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Murphy's Law of Lockers:
If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets:
The chances of an open-faced jam Sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Law of Location:
No matter where you go, there you are.

Law of Logical Argument:
Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

Brown's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

Oliver's Law:
A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Wilson's Law:
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.








=------------------------------------------------=











QUESTIONS TO PONDER:

1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but they don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

(If you know the real answer to this one, keep it to yourself. You'll know why anyway.)

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?







=------------------------------------------------=






"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 ALQAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"

This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia. You are probably outraged at the thought of such aninflammatory statement. One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be marching on this business, and that the National Guard might have to be called to keep the angry crowds back. But, perhaps in these stressful times one might be tempted to let the proprietors simply make their statement. We are a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.

You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?


Answer: A Funeral Home. ;)

(Who said morticians had no sense of humor?)

You gotta love it! God Bless America!

[Darth Marsden]

Heard this one earlier today and it had me smiling for a while.

-X-

A guy is in Africa and on his travels sees an elephant standing with one foot in the air. The man, throwing all caution to the wind, walks over to the elephant and looks at the foot. Sure enough, there's a sharp stone stuck there. The man carefully removes it and steps back a pace. The elephant puts its foot back on the ground and just stares at the man for the longest time before turning round and walking away.

Years later, the man is taking his son to the zoo when he comes to the elephants, and one of them just stops and looks at the man, just like in Africa. The man wonders if this is the same creature and, once again throwing caution to the wind, climbs over the rail and makes his way over to the elephant. After a moment of staring, the elephant picks up the man with its trunk and slams him into the wall, killing him instantly.

It wasn't the same elephant...

[ShadowTiger]

... because an elephant never forgets. Heh. Cute.





" -x- "


Subject: Men Beware!

Latest scam, and according to Snopes. com, this one is real.

Guys need to be careful. I am a victim of the latest scam which is
happening in parking lots of Kings Supermarkets.

Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One
starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your
window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat. Then both are begging you for a ride home.

Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

I couldn't find them on Saturday.

Ladies, please pass this warning on to your husbands if they tend to do alot of the food shopping. Thanks








...



Okay, this one's a new one. o.o'



13 Reasons Not To Drink (http://www.gerudo.net/bh4/images/13ReasonsNotToDrink.zip)
(330 KB - Contains 13 images.)

Enjoy. :p

[Darth Marsden]

Three guys check into a hotel, but the clerk tells them that since the lodge is fully booked, they'll have to share a bed. Tired and sleepy, the men agree.
Next morning, the guy who slept on the left says 'Man, I had the most vivid dream last night. I dreamt I was having a wank!'
'You too?' says the guy on the right.
The guy in the middle is pretty weirded out by this. 'You're both disgusting' he says. 'I had a perfectly ordinary dream. I was skiing.'

-X-

Driving his car through the countryside, a middle-aged man spots a naked youth with his arms tied around the trunk of a tree. The driver slows and winds his window down and he hears the kid crying for help. After looking round to check it's not some sort of trap, he gets out the car to investigate.
'Oh thank God!' the young man cries. 'I've had a terrible day!'
'I can see that' says the driver, noticing the bruises and whip-marks on the guy's back. 'What the hell happened?'
'Well' moans the young man, 'I was driving along when I saw this young woman in a pair of cut-offs and a bra hitch-hiking. I stopped to give her a lift, and as soon as I jumped out to put her rucksack in the boot, two huge guys jumped out from nowhere, stripped me, tied me up, beat me, nicked all my stuff and drove off in my car!'
'Oh dear' says the driver, unbuckling his belt. 'It's really not your day, is it gorgeous?'

[moocow]

Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!

[Prrkitty]

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as " Sinko de Mayo."

[Darth Marsden]

A guy is talking to his friend and says 'Man, I made the most embarrasing mistake yesterday! I went to the airport and the woman behind the counter had these beautiful huge knockers, and I asked her for two tickets to Tittsburgh!'
'Yeah, I know what you mean' replied his friend. 'Just the other morning I meant to ask my wife to pass the salt and I said 'BITCH, YOU RUINED MY LIFE!'

-X-

Declan the humble crab and Katie the lobster princess were madly and passionately in love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship, until one day Katie scuttled over to Declan in tears.
'We can't see each other any more' she sobbed.
'Why?' gasped Declan.
'Daddy says that crabs are too common' she wailed. 'He says that no daughter of his will marry a creature that walks sideways.'
Declan was shattered, and walked away to drink himself into oblivion.
That night, the great lobster ball was taking place. The lobster princess refused to join in the moment, despite the encouragement of her father. Suddenly the doors opened and Declan the crab strode in. The dancing stopped and all eyes were on Declan as he made his was to Katie's father. All could see that he was walking forwards. Step by step he made his was over to the throne and looked the King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush.
'Finally, the crab spoke. 'Fuck, I'm pissed.'

-X-

Three lads are enjoying a quiet night in a oub when a fourth stumbles in and orders a beer. Spying the group, the drunk stumbles over, points at one of the boys and shouts: 'I've had your mum!'
The lads ignore him and return to their pints. He shouts up again: 'Up the arse!'
Although irritated, they ignore him again. The drunk stands up again, points at the boy and yells: 'Your Mum sucked my cock last night!'
The boy looks up wearily. 'You're drunk, Dad. Go home.'

-X-

A teenager comes home from school and asks his dad 'What's the difference between potential and reality?'
His dad says 'I'll show you, Go ask your Mum if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid, then ask your sister if she'd sleep with Orlando Bloom for a million.'
Ten minutes later, the teen comes back. 'I've got it. Potentially we're sitting on two million quid - but in reality we're living on a couple of slags.'

[ShadowTiger]

Tech Support Humor - It's Not There

There are several user-types, but I think the one I fear the most is the It's-Not-There user. Unfortunately for me, the worst case of It's-Not-Thereism I know of is my own brother (a former engineering student believe it or not).

Here's a sample conversation with a typical It's-Not-There user:

Tech: Ok, now click on the "Edit" menu

User: It's not there.

Tech: Alright, (slowly) do you see the word "Edit" there on the screen?

User: It's not there.

Tech: Errr... (becoming angry) do you see the long horizontal thing with the words on it?

User: It's not...

Tech: (now breathing funny) "File"... "Edit"... "View"...

User: Oh, you mean THAT thing!

Tech: Yes, that thing. Now click on the word "Edit"

User: Sorry, I was clicking on the menu down at the bottom. I didn't know you meant THAT menu. Ok, I clicked on it.

Tech: (long pause) Now click on the word "Copy".

User: It's not there.

Tech: (incoherent screaming)


-x-




Liar Sermon

"Folks," said the old priest, "the subject of my sermon this evening is liars.

How many in the congregation have read the 69th Chapter of Mathew?"

Nearly every hand in the audience was raised.

"You are just the folks I want to preach to," said the priest. "There ain't no 69th Chapter of Mathew."


-x-



Human Stupidity:

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On some Swansonn frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save more time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (Really???)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (I'm glad they cleared that up...)

On a childs superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

In a Laundromat : Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

In an office: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

On a Church Door : This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

Quicksand Warning : Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

Seen during a Conference: For anyone who has children and doesn't know it, there is a day care on the first floor.

Notice in a Field: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

On a Repair Shop Door : We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door - the bell doesn't work)



-x-




Who is Better

Two gods, Karbara and Mula, were arguing with each other on who is the most famous in the human community. The arguing continued all day and night. Since they could not come to a decision, they agreed on a simple test.

There are two trees in the park with a path between them. Karbara will tie a thin strong string between the trees such that if anyone walks on the path, they're doomed to trip and fall. The test here is the name of the god the person will shout when the person trips.

The first guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Oh Karbara!". Karbara gave a smile to Mula who gave back a rude face.

The second guy came along, tripping on the string and cried "Oh Mula!". Mula gave a smile to Karbara who gave back a rude face.

The third guy came along, and tripped on the string and cried "Which idiot tied this here?".

[Darth Marsden]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and Mother Superior's last instruction is that they must not get a drop of paint on their new habits. After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door, strip off and work in the nude.
Halfway through the project, there's a knock at the door. 'Who is it?' cries one of the nuns.
'Blind man' comes the reply.
The two nuns look at each other, shrug and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, unlock the door and let him in.
'Nice tits' says the man. 'Where do you want these blinds?'

-X-

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class, when suddenly the man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and tells herself she just imagined it.
A few minutes pass and suddenly the man sneezes again. Then he gets out his member and wipes off the tip. The woman is seething - she can't believe such an ncouth person exists.
A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes once again, going through the whole routine again. By now the woman has had enough. 'What the hell do you think you're doing?' she demands of the man.
'I'm so sorry to have disturbed you ma'am' the man apologises. 'The fact is that I have a very rare condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.'
The woman looks agast. 'I'm so sorry! What are you taking for it?'
'Pepper.'

[ShadowTiger]

CHINESE PROVERBS!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run in front of car get tired.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[Darth Marsden]

An Irishman's been drinking at the pub all night. When he tries to stand up he falls flat on his face. He tries to strand again, with the same effect. So he figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air, maybe that'll freshen him up. Once outside he stands up, and falls straight back down again.
So he decides to crawl the four streets to his home. When he arrives he stands up at the door and duly falls over again. He crawls through the door and up to his bedroom. When he reaches his bed, he makes one last effort to get erect. This time he manages to pull himself upright, but he quickly falls into bed and is sound asleep in moments.
The next day he awakens to find his wife over him, shouting 'You've been out drinking again!'
'What makes you say that?' says the Irishman, putting on an innocent face.
'The pub called' says his wife. 'You left your wheelchair there again.'

[ShadowTiger]

Non-English speaking countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists:

Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.


At the Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor 's office , Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

The best!!! In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.


In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.


A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.


Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Another, the best!!!! In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES

[Darth Marsden]

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local asualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long haired colleagues. 'So what was he on then?' asks the physician. 'Acid? Cannabis?'
'Sort of...' replies one of the hippies. 'But we ran out of gear, so I made a home-made spliff.'
'And what was in that?' asks the doctor.
'Uhh... we kinda raided my girlfriend's spice rack' says the hippie. 'There was a bit of cumin, some tumeric and a little paprika.'
'Well, that explains it' says the doctor gravely. 'He's in a korma.'

[rocksfan13]

Modern version of the birds and bees

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway.
Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.
Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.
As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got Male. “

[Darth Marsden]

A man and his local vicar were playing golf. The man was having a terrible time on the green and kept missing crucial three-foot puts. The third time he missed one, he exclaimed 'Fuck, missed!'
'You should curb your language, my son' the vicar commented, 'or God will strike you down.'
At the next hole, the man missed another sitter, and again cried 'Fuck! Missed!'. The vicar again warned him about the virtues of an unclean tounge.
At the next hole the man missed yet again. 'Fuck!' he wailed, 'Missed again!' The vicar was livid. 'May God have mercy upon your soul, my son, for surely the Lord will strike you down.' As he was speaking, dark clouds built up over the green, and no sooner had the vicar fallen silent than an enormous bolt of lightning forked down... and turned the vicar to ash.
'Fuck!' came a booming voice from the heavens. 'Missed!'

[Prrkitty]

Gifts from God:

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck. After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the Congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church.

Finally, the Preacher got up and spoke to the crowd, "Children are a gift from God," he said. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

And the congregation said, "Amen."

[Breaker]

this thread is the ultimate joke

[Darth Marsden]

You're the Ultimate Joke.

A man goes into his young son's bedroom to check if he's alright after hearing a scream in the house. He finds the lad having a nightmare, so he wakes him up. The boy, shivering, says he dreamt that Aunt Susie had died. The father assures him that Aunt Susie is fine and tucks him back up. The next day, however, he gets a phone call - his sister Susie has died after falling down some stairs.
A week later, the lad has another nightmare - this time that his grandfather has died. The father assures the son that his granddad is fine and gives him a glass of warm milk to help him back to sleep, but sure enought, the next day his father has a heart attack and dies.
One week later, it's nightmare time once more - and this time the boy says he dreamt his daddy had died. The father assures the son that he's fine and tucks him back in.
The next day the father awakes, pertified. He's sure he's going to die. After dressing, he drives cautiously to work, fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch for fear of food poisoning. He avoids everyone, for sure that he'll somehow be killed, jumping at every noise, starting at every moment and hiding under his desk.
Upon getting home at the end of the day, he has to unburden himself to his wife. 'I've just had the worst day of my life!' he exclaims.
'You think your day was bad?' his wife replies. 'The milkman got run over this morning.'

[ShadowTiger]

Yeah, Breaker is definitely the funniest SMod here. :p




The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.... ..equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Darth Marsden]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and says 'Ah, I see you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place, I'm afraid'. So the engineer reports to the Gates of Hell and is let in with barely a second glance.
Pretty soon thoguh, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing some improvements. Before long they've got air conditioning, fulshing toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God gives Satan a buzz on his mobile and says with a sneer 'So, how it's goin' down there?'
'Hey, it's going great!' replies the Devil. 'We've got air conditioning, flushing toilets, escalators, you name it! I can't wait to see what this engineer's gonna come up with next!'
Shocked, God says 'WHAT? You've got an engineer down there? Saint Peter musy have screwed up - he's not supposed to be down there! Send him back up!'
'No way!' replies Satan. 'It's never been better down here thanks to this guy! You're nuts if you think I'm getting rid of him.'
'Send him back up here now or I'll sue you for everything you've got!' yells God.
Satan laughs like there's no tomorrow. 'Who with?'

[ShadowTiger]

A woman from New Jersey and another woman were seated side-by-side on an airplane. The woman from New Jersey, being friendly and all, said: So,where are you from?"

The other woman said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The woman from New Jersey sat quietly for a moment and then replied:

"So, where are you from, bitch?"




-x-

This is actually real. It's not really a joke. It's just pretty funny for justice. :p



To those of you who are not familiar with Joe Arraio, He is the Maricopa Arizona County Sheriff, and he keeps getting elected over and over again. This is one of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (in Arizona) who created the "tent city jail":

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights Cut off all but "G" movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked! up the cable TV again only let in the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied, so they will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.

He cut off coffee since it has zero nutritional value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton If you don't like it, don't come back."

He bought Newt Gingrich' lecture series on videotape that he pipes into the jails.



With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed-wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 degrees inside the week before.

Many were also swathed in wet, pink towels as sweat collected on their chests and dripped down to their pink socks.

"It feels like we are in a furnace," said James Zanzot, an inmate who has lived in the tents for 1 year. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: "It's 120 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to wear full battle gear, but they didn't commit any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.



That's pretty damn awesome. :p *Checks E-mail for more jokes*



-x- (Apparently.)


Ariel Sharon came to Washington for meetings with George W. and for a state dinner, Laura Bush decided to bring in a special Kosher chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course served is matzo ball soup. George W. looks at this and after learning what it is called, he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble (after all, he ate sheep's eye in honor of Arab guests), George W. gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzo ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows. A big grin appears on his face. He finds that he really likes it, and digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," Bush says to Sharon. "Do you Jews eat any other part of the matzo, or just the balls?"




*sigh* ... Okay guys, I've got more. :rolleyes:




Golden oldie . . .



1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?





Okay, this one's slightly dirty. (Eh. I'm sure you can all handle it.)

A man was standing in line at Target. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and
said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms. She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said:

*sigh* "Cleanup, Register 5"

[Darth Marsden]

A rich, lonely widow decides she needs a man in her life, and so places an advert in the local paper. It reads: Rich widow looking for kind man to share life and fortune with. Must never beat me up or run away - and must be great in bed.
For several months her phone rings off the hook and applications pour through the letterbox - but none seem to match her qualifications. Then, one day, the doorbell rings and when the door is opened the woman finds a man with no arms or legs lying on the welcome mat.
'Who are you?' she asks, perplexed. 'And what do you want?'
'Your search is over' says the man. 'I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up, and I've got no legs so I can't run away.'
Unconvinced, she replies 'So what makes you think that you're so great in bed?'
He looks up at her smugly. 'Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?'

[ShadowTiger]

Lawl!


Bushisms:


Can the English language survive after Bush?

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country. "
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'. "
- George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."
- George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow. "
- George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world. "
- George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- George W. Bush

" We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe We are a part of Europe."
- George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur. "
- George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- George W. Bush

" Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- George W. Bush

" It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it. "
- George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- George W. Bush



I don't care if you've heard them before, nor do I care who actually said it. Correct at your own convenience, while remembering that they're just jokes. If you don't know that, GTFO and look elsewhere for your politically correct humor.



-x-





A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to g o to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced.

So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laugh ed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward!

who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

He said: "Where'd you get the crappy hairdo?

[Darth Marsden]

Some reader letters from the pages of Viz. You may be offended by one or two of these. You have been warned...

On our wedding anniversary this year, my husband promised to treat me like a Princess. He was as good as his word. He took me for a meal, got completely pissed and on the way home crashed the car into a concrete pillar at 120mph, killing me instantly.

-X-

What you don't know can't hurt you, or so we're told. Well last week I didn't know that a wasp had crawled into my slipper, and it hurt a great deal. Once again, the so called experts get it wrong.

-X-

Men live to an average of 70, whilst women carry on till they're 78. On my 70th birthday I fully intend to have a sex change operation in order to claim my extra 8 years. And I jolly well expect the NHS to pay for it!

-X-

If smoking is so bad for you, how come it cures salmon? Perhaps Tony Blair and his so-called 'New Labour' cronies could give us a straight answer to that.

-X-

Why oh why does Jerry mouse's cousin keep sending his kids to stay with Jerry despite the fact that he is almost constantly being chased by Tom the cat? Invariably their holiday consists of nothing more then a non-stop series of cat and mouse antics from which they are lucky to escape unscathed.

-X-

In the bible, why do they always use a capital 'H' on he or Him or His when referring to God, even if it's in the middle of a sentance? Does he get annoyed if you spell it with a little 'h' like I just have, and if so the what's he going to do about it?

-X-

Britain is littered with war memorials dedicated to 'Those who have laid down' and 'Those who have fallen' during two world wars. Has anybody considered building a monument to the poor sods who weren't bone idle or too clumsy to keep their footing and who actually got shot?

-X-

They say that laughter is the best medicine. My grandad had got Parkinson's disease and we've been laughing at him for months now, and he still hasn't got any better. So much for that theory.

-X-

I've just been struck by an enormous bolt of lightning. I am covered with boils and my house is full of frogs. I strongly recommend that when referring to God, always use the upper case 'H' on all personal pronouns.

-X-

I've got 58 pence to my name and I live in a cardboard box in Peterborough. With her huge overdraft, the Queen mum is £4 million worse off then me, yet she lives in 5 castles, has tons of jewelry and manages to keep on a huge number of staff. I'm not a communist or anything, but I wonder if someone could offer me an explanation.

-X-

To call Dr Harold Shipman 'Britain's Worst Serial Killer' is utter nonsense. With more confirmed kills to his name then any other UK-based murderer, surely Dr Shipman is 'Britiain's BEST Serial Killer'. Someone like Colin Stagg, who not only was arrested in connection with only one killing, but then turned out not to have done it in the first place, would qualify as the country's 'Worst Mass Murderer'.

-X-

So a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, does it? Well, I'm an insulin dependant diabetic, and after following this advice I am now two months into a life threatening hyperglycaemic coma. Thank you very much, Mary fucking Poppins.

-X-

Why do old people insist on referring to World War I as 'The Great War'? Surely World War II, with its higher death toll and use of atomic weapons, was loads better.

-X-

There has been a proliferation his summer of car stickers informing us that 'Dogs Die In Hot Cars'. Thanks to this advice, I saved £45 in vet bills when I had to have my alsation put down when it got distemper.

-X-

I am a burglar, and recently, whilst in the act of nicking a load of stuff from an old widow's house, I tripped on the edge of her rug, spraining my ankle quite badly. I was unable to burgle for three months, so I called the Accident Help Line. The fixed me up with a greedy lawyer who got me £50,000, as her carpets should have been better secured to the floor. All that and her pension book too. What wonderful times we live in.

[ShadowTiger]

This is a true story that never happened.

A few friends and I had just gone swimming and were in the locker rooms changing back into our clothes, when the cell phone on the bench next to my friend's clothes goes off. He picks up the phone as he continues to change, says "Hello?" The person on the other end is loud enough to hear, so we can't help but listen in as they converse. It sounds like a woman on the other end. Judging by the coversation, we assume it to be his wife.

Hello?
Hi honey, you'll never guess what happened on the way home from work today!
... What?
Well, you remember that leather jacket I found yesterday that looked so good on me? Well I found it on sale for $1,000! Do you think I could get it since it's so cheap now?
.. Sounds like a good deal to me, I guess. Go ahead. :shrug:
Oh! While we're here, remember that Mercury Sable we saw for $75,000? Well now it's only $65,000!!! That's SUCH A good deal! I'm going to get it, okay honey?
... Uh, I guess that sounds like a good deal. If it'll make you happy, I guess.
Oh honey you're the best! Oh! I have even better news! Remember that 1.2 million dollar house that went off the market a few months ago? Well it's back on! We can get it now if we hurry! So what do you say darling?
Sounds good!
Oh you've made me the happiest woman on earth! *click*
...
So we're all standing around, looking at him.
"How the hell can you spend so much money? You already have a car, a nice house, and a leather jacket! Don't you have any restraint at all!!?!

He just looks at us; blinks, ... and asks, "Who's cell phone was that?"



More jokes!





The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly Side of Life:

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant. : Bad it's triplets. Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you. Bad: She wants a divorce. Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your youngest son is finally maturing. Bad: He's involved with the woman next door. Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your wife and you agree, no more kids. Bad: Your wife can't find her birth control pills. Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

5. Good: Your oldest son understands fashion. Bad: He's a cross-dresser. Ugly: He looks better than your wife.

6. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your 10 year old daughter. Bad: She keeps interrupting. Ugly: With corrections.

7. Good: Your son is dating someone new. Bad: It's another man. Ugly: He's your best friend.

8. Good: Your 15 year old daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker. Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients. Very Ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!®

[Darth Marsden]

Some more letters from Viz:

I know that supermarkets try to make the 'shopping experience' more pleasant by instructing checkout staff to engage in banan chat. But when I want to hear the views of a urine fragranced geriatric racist, then I'll head to the local canal underpass and while away the hours with the local wino. At least their views on who's worst, the Japanese Yakuza or the Chinese Triads, extends to a greater debate then 'send the lot back where they came from'. So thanks to Sainsbury's in Glasgow's west end, for emplying people who would make David Irving blush. Thanks a sodding bunch.

-X-

For Valentine's day this year, I cooked my bird a microwave curry, popped the new Westlife CD on and did her from behind for the duration of the first three songs. Who said romance is dead?

-X-

My husband plays a joke on me every April Fool's day. Last year I was determined not to be caught out, but lo and behold he tricked me again. Knowing I like cats, he woke me at 3:00 and told me there was a basket of kittens stuck on our chimney. I immediately climbed out the window and shinned up the drainpipe onto the roof. When I got there and saw nothing but the television aerial I realised I had been had, but the joke wasn't over. When I got back into my room the cheeky devil had filled my slippers with broken glass! I'm determined he won't get me this year.

-X-

These days most shops have wheelchair access, but once inside the shop, the needs of the disabled are all but forgotten. Whilst in my newsagents the other day, I realised how difficult it must be for someone in a wheelchair to purchase a top-shelf magazine. They would have to ask someone to pass it down, which would cause great embarrassment. Wouldn't it be a good idea if newsagents had a pneumatic ramp by the magazines to lift wheelchairs up to the top shelf. It could be fitten witg flashing lights and a klaxon to warn other customers to keep clear of the mechanism when in operation.

-X-

(My favourite so far) On the 11th September last year, I moved into a flat with my girlfriend and, knowing full-well I would be expected to remember the anniversary of us moving in together, I was wracking my brains to think of a way to remember the date. Imagine my relief when I finally got the TV wired up in our new living room and saw the tragic events unfolding in New York, on a day that none of us will ever forget for many years to come. Thank god for international terrorism!

[ShadowTiger]

Religion and the Bear

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment they would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you! KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.

The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

[Darth Marsden]

President Bush is visiting a school where a class is discussing words and their meanings. The teacher asks Dubya if he would like to lead a discussion of the word 'tradegy'. Bush asks if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy and a boy stands up.
'If my best mate was playing in the street and he got run over, that'd be a tradegy.'
'No' says Bush, 'that would be an accident, son.'
A little girl then raises her hand. 'If a school bus drove off a cliff and everybody died, that'd be a tragedy.'
Bush shook his head. 'We'd call that a great loss, missey.'
The room goes quiet. Finally, after an embarrising silence, way at the back of the room the teacher, fed up of the president's responses, raises his hand. 'If Air Force One, carrying you and Mrs Bush, got hit by a missile and blown to bits by a terrorist, THAT'D be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic' says Bush. 'And can you tell everyone why that would be a tragedy, son?'
'Well' says the teacher 'it's wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss.'

[ONeilcool]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants

then he walks up to the bar tender and says,"she's drivin' me nuts!"

[Prrkitty]

Actual 9-1-1 calls:
=======================

Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before an d I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is..........

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

[Darth Marsden]

Called out to a fire at a fashionable apartment block, a fireman arrives to find flames puring out of an upstairs window, and a woman screaming. Donning protective gear, he climbs the ladder, enters the flat... and spies a curvy brunette in a see-through nightie.
'Amazing' says the fireman. 'You're the third pregnant girl I've rescued this week.'
'Hey!' shouts the girl, indignantly. 'I'm not pregnant!'
'Yeah' the fireman smiles 'but you're not rescued yet either.'

[ShadowTiger]

Not quoted from a website:

The fireman football star:


A football star and his entourage(sp?) happen to pass by a burning building. A women from the street yells to him to catch her cat. He looks up and sees a cat jumping into his arms. "This is my chance to impress everyone," he thinks. He runs a little down the block and catches the cat in his arms.

The crowd behind him goes wild! They shout his name, praise his greatness, and exalt his deeds. The football player raises his arms in triump, dances around, and spikes the cat on the sidewalk and dances away with his entourage.

Heh.



Greeting cards Hallmark never made:



My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...
"What the hell was I thinking?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one likes your husband.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
How could two people as beautiful as you
Have such an ugly baby?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,
someone to love
After having met you ..
I've changed my mind.
-------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------
I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.
I never believed in Hell until I met you.
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ///////////////
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
That you're not here to ruin it for me.
################################################## ##
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...
Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
************************************************** ******************************
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.
Almost Lifelike!
! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
When we were together,
You always said you'd die for me.
Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
We have been friends for a very long time ..
let's say we stop .
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++
I'm so miserable without you
it's almost like you're here.
================== ===================================
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.
Did you ever find out who the father was?
%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
Your friends and I wanted to do
Something special for your birthday
So we're having you put to sleep.
)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.
Look at the bright side,
it's really good pay

[Darth Marsden]

I've only just noticed, but we're over 60 posts into this thread. Doin' good!

-X-

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.
'It's a period' said the little boy.
'Well, I can see that' she said, ''but what is so exciting about a period?'
'Damned if I know' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself.'

-X-

A bartender is getting ready to close for the night when a robber bursts in and pulls a gun.
'This is a stickup!' He yells. 'Put all your dough in a bag!'
'Don’t shoot!' pleads the barkeep. 'I’ll do whatever you say!'
The bartender stuffs all the money into a bag and hands it over. The crook snatches it and then puts the gun to the bartender’s head and says, 'Anything?'
'Anything!' comes the reply.
'All right... give me a blow job!'
The bartender gets on his knees and starts blowing the guy. After a few minutes, the robber gets so excited he drops his gun.
The bartender picks the gun up off the floor and hands it back to the robber. 'Hold the gun, dammit' he says. 'One of my friends might walk in!'

-X-

A woman’s husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone. One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she’s waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
'It’s getting late, big boy' she says after a few minutes. 'Why don’t we go upstairs to bed?'
'We might as well' slurs the husband. 'I’m going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway.'

[ShadowTiger]

TILL DEATH DO US PART
Mildred, 93, was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[Darth Marsden]

A young boy was feeling inqusitive. 'Mum, is it true people can be taken apart like machines?'
'Of course not sweetie' she replied. 'Where on Earth did you get such an idea?'
'From Daddy' says the boy. 'He was talking on the phone to someone and he sais he was screwing the arse off his secratary.'

[Aegix Drakan]

I found this one on another forum. I lol'd so much I just HAD to bring it here.

Women Skinny Dipping

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer , he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,

"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old men can still think fast.

------------

this one is from my old french teacher (mr. Brault). he was a master of jokes and puns. anyway, he claimed that he knew all of the important people in the world.
he told us about some of his earlier french students:

(they didn't believe me, they said, "ok! fine! prove that you know our prime minsiter personally!" so we took a trip to parliament hill, and went inside. there was a meeting in session, but then when the Prime minister heard I was there, he ushered us all in, even though it was a private meeting.
the stutends were shocked, but then they said "ok, so you know the prime minister! but there is no way you know the Pope! if you do, we will do detentin with you for the rest of of our years at this school!". so we took a trip to rome, and I went to see him. when I cam eout, with my hand on his shoulder, I looked up, and saw the whole class, fainted. I told them later, that they didn't have to serve all the detentions, and they said "no sir, that's not why we fainted. It's the woman behind us. when you came out, she asked her friend: who is that man there with Mr. Brault?")

[ShadowTiger]

Blonde's Diary:


Dear Diary, Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year. Namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! (I told him) There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.



--------x--------


THE DONKEY RAFFLE

A young hillbilly named Kenny, moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."

Kenny replied, "well, then, just give me my money back." The Farmer said, "can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "what ya gonna do with him?" Kenny said, "I'm going to raffle him off." The farmer said, "you can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny said, "sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead."

A month later, the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "what happened with
that dead donkey?" Kenny said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998" The farmer said, "didn't anyone complain?" Kenny said, "just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Kenny eventually became the chairman of Enron.



--------x--------



Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation escape by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some outrageous shorts, shirts and sandals. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their tourist garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop dead gorgeous blonde wearing a string bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said, "Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually; then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they we're priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you saw them. Once again, in their new attire, they settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, this time topless with just a thong bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, she said, "Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the Priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute young lady." "Yes, Father?", she said. "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are?"

"Father, it's me, Sister Margaret"

[Chop_Suey]

I dunno if you guys have heard these yet, but I thought these were funny, and they're the only one's I know.

A pirate has a steering wheel down his pants and someone asks, "Why do you have a steering wheel in your pants?" and he says "Arr, it's driving me nuts."

I know, it's dumb, but this next one is funny.

Question: What do you call a psychic midget running from the police?

Answer: A small medium at large.

[ShadowTiger]

If you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended. It really works. Just take a few seconds and focus on each step.

1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "The World."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See, you're smiling already.

[Darth Marsden]

A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. When he's finished, his friend says "Wow. That was nice of you."
The other man replies "Yeah, well, we were married 35 years."

-X-

A dog went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.” before handing it to the clerk.
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog “There's only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.” The dog replied “That wouldn't make a lick of sense!”

-X-

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment before replying "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

-X-

...and finally, one for the kid in you...

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
POOP!

[rocksfan13]

A man comes home from work, sit down in his favorite chair, turns on the
TV, and tells his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looks a little puzzled, but brings him a beer. When he finishes it, he
says, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looks a little angry, but brings him a beer. When it's gone,
he says, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" she shouts, "You jerk! You waltz in here, flop your fat butt
down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your
slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day
long?"

The husband sighs. "Oh no, it's started.
__________________________________________________ ___________________________

A mother is driving her 7 year-old daughter to her friend's house for a play date when the little girl asks "Mommy," how old are you?"

"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replies sweetly. "It's not polite."

"OK", the little girl says, "How much do you weigh?"


"Now really," the mother says, a bit less sweetly. "Those are personal questions and are really none of your business."

Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

"That's enough questions, young lady, honestly!" mom says as her daughter is getting out of the car.

The exasperated mother drives away as the two friends begin to play.

"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.

"Well," says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it."

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."

The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?"

"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. "How in heaven's name did you find that out?"

"And," the little girl says triumphantly, "I know why you and daddy got a divorce." Now mom's getting mad. She says, "Oh really? And just why is that, young lady?"

"Because you got an F in sex."

[triforceholder]

Diary Of A Snow Shoveler


December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the
best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and
felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks
and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect
life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says
we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to
see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice
man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took
my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and
sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon
and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do
quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this
way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer.
Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the
freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes
out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the
driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an
hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets
on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to
irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit
it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm
freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn
stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came
by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the
only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and
they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're
lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and
bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed,
pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire
Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he
says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife
wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is
she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says
she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel.
Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a
bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his
balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour
and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife
wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents,
but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I
hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it
could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does
he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a
million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her
mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they
keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

[Darth Marsden]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.
The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch a thing. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.
As theyre driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend and says "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The girlfriend says "Wow! Its a good thing we didnt catch any more!"

-X-

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago" the bum said.
"Will you use it to gamble?"
"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"
"Are you nuts? I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
The man said "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife." The bum was astounded.
"Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied "Hey man, that's OK! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

-X-

A married couple is driving down the interstate at 55 mph with the husband behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says "I don’t want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.
She says "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says "I want the kids too.” The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.
She says "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks "What’s that?"
The husband replies, just before they hit the wall at 90 mph "I've got the airbag."

-X-

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt to his robe right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Sir_Johnamus]

In heaven, God asked men and women to get into separate lines. Then he asked the men to split into the lines: Ones that listen to their wives, and ones that don't listen to their wives. All went into the line that listened to their wives except one. Then God Shouted: Why are you in this line? I made man rule over women! The single man then replied: My wife told me to.

Clean joke: Fred Was Dirty. He Took A Bath With Bubbles.
Dirty joke: Bubbles Is The Girl Next Door.

[ShadowTiger]

Recently i spoke with a friend about the mess that this country is in and of course I could not blame the nations president, however those people that elected him, now they surely can be blamed. "Not so fast" my friend responded, my friend went on to give me the following perspective of whom I would be placing the blame on. Here is some food for thought.

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it". For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too untrusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.

Caution! These people Vote!


While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has for some time.) she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff"

She ALSO votes!


I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific"

He ALSO votes!


My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving"

She ALSO votes!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car It's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. My sister ALSO votes! (Something my Ex-wife would do.)



My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount

He ALSO votes!


I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

My friend ALSO votes!


I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

SHE ALSO votes!


While eating at a Pizza Parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before> responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6.

Yep, he votes too. Now you know who elects the politicians



--x--


Never Accept Candy From A Stranger (http://www.gerudo.net/bh4/images/NeverAcceptCandyFromACrazyStranger.jpg)


--x--


At the Russian War College, a general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight in a World War Three, Sir?"

"Yes, comrades, it looks like you will," answers the general.

"And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks.

"The likelihood is that it will be China." The class is surprised, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?"

"Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews have been fighting against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time."

"But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough Jews?"

[Darth Marsden]

A woman is rushed into hospital in labour with twins, sadly it turns out that she has a rare condition which causes her to slip into a coma when she feels extreme pain. Six months later the woman wakes up in her hospital bed.
"Doctor!" She asks "What happened to the children?"
"Don't worry madam" He replied, "The children are fine, you have a strong yound lad and a beatiful baby girl. Your brother collected them, named them and is now looking after them."
"Oh no! My brother is an idiot" She cried. "What did he name them?"
"Well your daughter's name is Denise" The doctor informed her.
The woman breathed a sigh of relief before asking "What about my son?"
"Denephew" The doctor replied.

-X-

In bed with her lover after several hours of passionate lovemaking, Brenda's phone rang. She told her lover, who was also her husband's best friend, to be very quiet. As she answered the phone, he listened quietly to her cheerful side of the conversation.
"Hello? Oh, hi. Oh, really? Well, that sounds wonderful! I'm so happy for you! Great! Okay, have a good time. Bye!"
She hung up the phone and her lover asked "Who was that?"
She replied "That was just my husband, telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

-X-

One day, Harry came upon a big, long ladder that stretched into the clouds. Hed walked this way every day and this ladder was never there before. Curious and brave, he began to climb. Eventually, he climbed into the layer of clouds, and saw this rather large, homely woman lying here on a cloud.
She spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry figured success had to be better than this, so he continued climbing. He came upon another level of clouds, and found a thinner, cuter woman than before.
She also spoke, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry saw that his luck was changing and so continued his climb. On another level of clouds, he found a rather attractive woman with not so bad of a figure.
She stated, "Take me now or climb the ladder to success!" Harry really liked his advantage now! He climbed quickly and deftly, and sure enough, on the next level, he found a gorgeous, lithe, well-endowed woman lying seductively on the cloud.
"Take me now or climb the ladder to success," she huskily whispered. Harry couldnt believe his eyes, but his greed got the best of him. He climbed to the next level, expecting Aphrodite or similar. Suddenly, the ladder ends, and a latch closes behind him. He looks over to see a 400-pound, 68" hairy biker-looking guy with tattoos. The biker gets up and walks menacingly toward Harry.
Apprehensively, Harry whispers "Who are you?"
The biker answers "I'm Cess."

[rocksfan13]

A little boy blows up his balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something. The boy continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something." He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Johnny starts up with the balloon again. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet. Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.
When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing.
Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks. He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"


You're laughing aren't you..I know you are!!!

[Darth Marsden]

Oh man, that was gross!

And we're over 75 posts! Yay!

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.
"My darling" he writes. "It looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."
His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading "Why don’t you learn to play this?"
Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"
But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

-X-

The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
Destination Timbuktu."
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
"Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu."

-X-

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled "Um ... no..."
The lawyer interrupts "Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[RakanishuDiork]

hi, i've read most of the jokes, and i have plenty of them... I'm mexican so I'll give my best to translate to english...

there was a little parrot who never did anything, neither good nor bad, and he goes to heaven. and god told him: "hey, i can't allow you to enter the heaven, you haven't done anything and we can't judge you... we'll give you 1 day to go down there and do something so we can judge you"
the parrot, now having a new chance, thinks of what he can do to enter the heaven, and while he was thinking he sees a beautiful, little white pigeon, and he thinks "oh yeah! I'll rape her and then i'll kill her, then i'll repent and voila! they will judge me and i'll be on heaven!" he does that and then he die.

once in heaven he sees the door closed and god was all scared and overwhelmed, and the parrot ask him: "hey god, what happened? am I going to enter heaven or not..."

and god iterrumps him exclaiming:" please wait a little, we can't do anything right now, somebody has raped, and killed the holy ghost!!!"

hehe, i hope some of you had understand it...

[Darth Marsden]

I understood it fine. Very silly.

Since I've posted some jokes about women, I thought I'd even the balance out with these.

Q: What do you call a man with half a brain?
A: Gifted.

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?
A: "What Men Know About Women"

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One ... men will screw anything.

Q: How does a man take a bubble bath?
A: He eats beans for dinner.

Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A: We don't know .... it's never happened.

Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

Q: What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A: E.T. phoned home.

Q: What did God say after creating man?
A: I can do better.

Q: What are the two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: 1. No mind. 2. No business.

Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?
A: Because you don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.

Q: How do men sort their laundry?
A: "Filthy" and Filthy but wearable"

Q: Husband: "I don't know why you wear a bra, you've go nothing to put in it."
A: Wife: "You wear briefs, don't you?"

[ShadowTiger]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. It's worth reading to the end!

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does ! it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what! were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTOR! NEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy! started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
____________________________________________
And the best for last
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.



BTW. People are doing experiments with Diet Pepsi and Mentos Check 'em out Here (http://eepybird.com/).

[Darth Marsden]

Oh man. The same type of experiments as putting a bunch of brown sugar into a bottle of Coke? Good times.

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for Valentine's Day. The rich man says "I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond ring."
The poor man asks "Why did you get her both?"
"Because if she doesn't like the diamond, she can always drive to the store and take it back...what did you get your wife?"
The poor man replies, "I got her slippers and a dildo."
The rich man says "Why did you get her a dildo?"
The poor man says, "So if she doesn't like the slippers, she can go fuck herself."

-X-

A couple had been married for several years when suddenly the wife decides she'd like to have breast implants.
The husband says "Now, honey, you know we can't afford that kind of thing right now."
"But I see you looking at other women" pleaded his wife "and I want to be as attractive as they are to you."
Days go by and the wife keeps insisting she needs breast implants, despite the protests of her husband. Finally, the husband has had it. So he says to his wife "Honey, I have an idea. Every day, about twice a day, wad up some toilet paper, then rub it between your breasts. Repeat it 3 or 4 times each time."
"You think that'll make my breasts larger!?" asked his wife.
"Why not?" says the husband. "It worked on your ass!"

-X-

A woman goes into Wal-Mart and tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it doesn't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. All of a sudden, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming!
"GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
The clerk, not knowing what to do, runs to get the store manager. The manager comes up to the Woman and asks "What's wrong?" She explains the situation with the toaster, and he tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming "GRAB MY BREASTS! GRAB MY BREASTS!"
In shock, the store manager pleads "Ma'am, why are saying you that?"
In a huff, the woman says "BECAUSE I LIKE TO HAVE MY BREASTS GRABBED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!

-X-

This one's a little long, so bear with me. It pays off in the end.

A driver is pulled over by a police man. Leaning out the window, the driver politely asks what's wrong, to which the policeman tells him he was speeding and asks for his license.
The driver politely informs the cop that he doesn't have one. The cop asks why, and the driver replies that he lost it after being caught drink driving for the fourth time. Caught a little off guard, the cop asks to see the man's vehicle registration papers, but again the driver declines. When asked why, he calmly informs the officer that he stole the car, then goes on to explain that he raped and mirdered the original driver, and finsihes by telling the policeman that her body is in the trunk if he'd like to have a look.
The officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes half a dozen police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun and demans that the driver exit the vehicle.
Calmly he does so, and turns to the senior officer and asks what the problem is. The officer replies that his colleague had informed him that the driver had stolen the car and murdered the owner. The driver is stunned, but complies when the officer asks him to open the boot. It's empty.
The officer asks the driver if he can prove this is his car, and the driver reaches into the front and produces both his vehicle registration papers and his drivers licence. The officer examines them both and hands them back. He looks quite puzzled, and apologises to the driver, explaining that he had been told the man had raped and murdered the original owner of the car.
The man calmly replies "Bet you he said I was speeding, too."

[Archibaldo]

So this man comes home after a long day at work. Only to notice that his girlfriend is paking up her things. He asks her what shes doing and she replies "People have been saying that you're a pedofile, so I'm leaving you." And the man replies, "Pedofile eh? That's a pretty big word for a ten year-old."

[algam86]

I thought of this just now...

Modern Views on the Ten Commandments

God: Do not worship any other gods.
Guy: No problem...hey, are you Shiva, by any chance? Or Ganesha?

God: Do not make any idols.
[Guy looks at Buddha statue] Uh...

God: Do not misuse the name of God.
[Guy runs over girl] Oh, God!

God: Keep the Sabbath Holy.
[Guy sits half-naked on a beanbag chair eating Cheetos and watching football on Sunday. Bible's used to fix broken peg on a nearby table]

God: Honor your father and mother.
Guy: Well, Mom and Dad, I'm gonna put you in this dinky olf place while I go party at Vegas.

God: Do not murder.
[Guy accidentally shoots someone in the foot] Oh, you're alright. [Walks off]

God: Do not commit adultery.
Guy: Oh, my girlfriend's coming home, hide!

God: Do not steal.
Guy: Well, let me just borrow the neighbor's lawnmower...he can come get it later.

God: Do not lie.
Guy: No, I didn't take your lawnmower...uh, the Mafia came by and took it because they needed to, uh, mow the hedges...[Guy looks back at the lawnmower] Sweet.

God: Do not covet.
Guy: When did you get a new computer?! You know I'm getting one soon, just you wait! Think you're so hot because of that super-awesome computer that blows everything else out of the water...err, can I have it?

[ShadowTiger]

Harvey and Gladys

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.?

"You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenberg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."?

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well.. there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."



He never heard the shot.



--x--


Pic Unrelated.

http://www.gerudo.net/bh4/images/FiremansNecessityBrokenGlassHose.jpg

[Darth Marsden]

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."

-X-

Only in America...

...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
...do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
...do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
...do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
...do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
...do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

[ShadowTiger]

Subject: The Organist - Naughty but funny

There was a church that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons, and rub them on her breasts, because she was told that would make her breasts shrink in size. (She warned her not to eat the persimmons because they make you pucker, since they are so sour.) The organist agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and said, "Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday"


-x-


DIVINE: What's left after you pick all the grapes.

DEFENDER: De part of de car dat covers de tires.



Why was it so hot in the baseball stadium after the game?
Because all the fans left.


If "Can't" = cannot, then does "Don't" = doughnut?

What do you get when you cross a chicken with an octopus?
Enough drumsticks for everyone!

Guess who I saw yesterday?
Everyone that I looked at.

[Darth Marsden]

What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
- A wind tunnel.

How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
- Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

When is a blonde going to say something smart?
- When she starts her sentence with , "A man once told me...

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
- Gifted!

What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
- Artificial intelligence.

Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
- It takes too long to retrain them.

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
- Nothing. They've never met.

What's the smartest thing to come out of a woman's mouth?
- Einstein's Cock.

[ShadowTiger]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, "Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone. The second says, "I want to be Madonna and *poof* she's gone. The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini.."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he asks. "Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says, "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. St. Peter reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says: .....

"No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."


If you laugh, you are going straight to hell! :blah:

Heh.

[Darth Marsden]

Ah, I'm going to hell anyway.

A blonde suspected that her boyfriend was cheating on her, so she bought a gun. She went to his apartment that same day, with the pistol in hand. Sure enough, when she opened the door, she found her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. Overcome with grief, she put the gun to the side of her head. Her boyfriend screamed 'Honey, don’t do it...'
'Shut up!' the blonde yelled back. 'You're next!'

-X-

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
'There's no way they can catch a Mercedes' he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. 'What the hell am I doing?' he thought as he pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
'It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go.'
The guy thinks about it for a second and says 'Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!'
'Have a nice weekend' said the officer.

-X-

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says 'Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.'
'No, it's not that.' replies the man, drying his eyes. 'This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I get home, and I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.'

[g4conman]

12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?


lol my dad is an electrician and my mom is the manager of a dry cleaners. :rolleyes:

[ShadowTiger]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM .

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.





----x----

"Thank you for calling the White House switchboard. Our new voice activated system will help direct you to the proper office."



"If you are calling to complain about the mishandling of the war in Iraq, press one."



"If you are calling to complain about the abuse of prisoners and the White House's endorsement of torture, press two, and then say the name of the torture site that you wish to complain about (and please note for the sake of the voice mail system that it is pronounced Abu GRABE, not Abu grahb)."



"If you are calling to complain about illegal spying on American citizens and the abuse of FISA laws, press 3, but do know that these calls will be recorded."



"If you are calling to complain about the disastrous mismanagement of the hurricane Katrina recovery, please press 4, and your c all will be directed to the Federal Emergency Management Agency. If you wait for more than 48 hours without anyone picking up the phone, hang-up and send a letter. We have been assured that all letters will receive a prompt reply within one year."



"If you are calling regarding the administration's unwillingness to enforce immigration law, press cinco, por favor, or direct any thanks to your local chamber of commerce office, which can explain why we like cheap labor that can't vote and where you may be able to find willing illegal day laborers in your local area."



"If you are Jack Abramoff or any Saudi prince, please call the private line ? it is always open."



"If you are calling about the Medicare prescription debacle, please press 6. If you are having a medical emergency, you should proceed directly to your local emergency room, although please understand that your health coverage may not pay for the visit and you can no longer get out from under the bill by declaring bankruptcy."



"If you are calling about the ballooning federal deficit or the recent hike in the debt ceiling to $3 trillion, please press 7, unless you are Bill Clinton calling to brag about the surpluses under your administration, in which case we don't want to hear about it."



"If you are calling to complain about the White House's efforts to block stem cell research, please press 8, and then say the disease that you are most concerned about that may ultimately be cured through scientific research. If you are a scientist calling with new research findings or important clinical data, please hang up, we don't want to hear from you."



"If you are calling to express concern about global warming and our efforts to roll back environmental laws, please press 9, unless you are a government scientist, in which case you are forbidden to talk without first clearing it with the oil lobbyist we hired to screen and edit your research. He can be reached at Exxon 4-2611."



"If you are calling to complain about the President's efforts to "privatize" social security, please press 1 and then the pound key, and your call will be redirected to representatives at Merrill Lynch, who will explain the virtues of putting all your savings in the stock market."



"If you are calling about the need for more prayer in public schools or any other faith-based initiatives, please press 10 and Reverend Falwell will be with you shortly."



"If you are calling to lobby for more Supreme Court Justices who will block a woman's right to choose, please stay on the line and the President will be with you immediately."



"If you are calling about all the tax breaks for the wealthy, press *1 if you have ideas for more loopholes and are making more than a million dollars per year; if you are earning less than a million per year but have ideas for how you may help the wealthy, press *2; if you are earning less than a million per year and just want to complain that all the burden is now falling on you, please call back in a couple of years."



"Press zero at any time if you would like to hear these options again. Thank you for calling the White House. It is our pleasure to serve you.

[moocow]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son
of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker,
you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son
of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither
a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of
ash I have ever put my pecker in!"

[Monica]

Little Red Riding Hood - A Politically Correct Fairy Tale
by Jim Garner


There once was a young person named Red Riding Hood who lived with her mother on the edge of a large wood. One day her mother asked her to take a basket of fresh fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house -- not because this was womyn's work, mind you, but because the deed was generous and helped engender a feeling of community. Furthermore, her grandmother was not sick, but rather was in full physical and mental health and was fully capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult.

So Red Riding Hood set off with her basket of food through the woods. Many people she knew believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place and never set foot in it. Red Riding Hood, however, was confident...

On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood was accosted by a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket. She replied, "Some healthful snacks for my grandmother, who is certainly capable of taking care of herself as a mature adult."

The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."

Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way."

Red Riding Hood walked on along the main path. But, because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself. Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist notions of what was masculine or feminine, he put on grandma's nightclothes and crawled into bed.

Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some fat-free, sodium-free snacks to salute you in your role of a wise and nurturing matriarch."

From the bed, the Wolf said softly, "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."

Red Riding Hood said, "Oh, I forgot you are as optically challenged as a bat. Grandma, what big eyes you have!"

"They have seen much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what a big nose you have -- only relatively, of course, and certainly attractive in its own way."

"It has smelled much, and forgiven much, my dear."

"Grandma, what big teeth you have!"

The Wolf said, "I am happy with and what I am," and leaped out of bed. He grabbed Red Riding Hood in his claws, intent on devouring her. Red Riding Hood screamed, not out of alarm at the Wolf's apparent tendency toward cross-dressing, but because of his willful invasion of her personal space.

Her screams were heard by a passing woodchopper-person (or log-fuel technician, as he preferred to be called). When he burst into the cottage, he saw the melee and tried to intervene. But as he raised his ax, Red Riding and the Wolf both stopped.

"And what do you think you're doing?" asked Red Riding Hood.

The woodchopper-person blinked and tried to answer, but no words came to him.

"Bursting in here like a Neanderthal, trusting your weapon to do your thinking for you!" she said. "Sexist! Speciesist! How dare you assume that womyn and wolves can't solve their own problems without a man's help!"

When she heard Red Riding Hood's speech, Grandma jumped out of the mouth, took the woodchopper-person's axe, and cut his head off. After this ordeal, Red Riding Hood, Grandma, and the Wolf felt a certain commonality of purpose. They decided to set up an alternative household based on mutual respect and cooperation, and they lived together in the woods happily ever after.

[Darth Marsden]

The following is, amazingly, true.

Washington DC - An Indiana woman has won agreement from the US Tax Court that her breasts are business assets and can be depreciated for tax purposes.

Cynthia S. Hess, known as "Chesty Love" in her professional life as an exotic dancer, claimed a $2,088 deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her bust size to a 56FF.

The IRS turned down the deduction, citing a long list of court decisions holding that expenditures to enhance a taxpayer's health or appearance - while useful for business - are so inherently personal that they can't be deducted as a business expense.

But Hess found an ally in Special Trail Judge Joan Seitz Pate, who ruled that the implants increased Hess' income and that the the breasts are so large and cumbersome - they weigh about 10 pounds each - that she couldn't derive personal benefit from them.

[anybody]

on the subject of fairy tales:
3 little piggies went a restaurant. The waitress comes over and asks if they would like anything to drink. The 1st litlle piggie says, "I'll have a coke." The 2nd little pig says, "I'll have a pepsi." the 3rd little piggie says, "beer, beer, beer, lots of beer!"

The waitress comes back with their drinks and asks if they would like some appetizers. The 1st piggie says, "I'll have some onion rings." The 2nd piggie says, "I'll have some mozzarella sticks." The 3rd piggie says, "beer, beer, beer, lots of beer!"

The waitress comes back with their appetizers and asks what they would like for the main course. The 1st piggie says, "I'll have a salad." The 2nd piggie says, "I'll have a large steak." The 3rd piggie says, "beer, beer, beer, lots of beer!"

While the 3 little piggies were waiting for their food, the manager comes over and asks the 3rd little piigie why he's only ordering beer for dinner. The piggie looks at him and says,"somebody has to go wee, wee, wee all the way home."

[Darth Marsden]

Things not to say during sex

But everybody looks funny naked!

You woke me up for that?

Did I mention the video camera?

Do you smell something burning?

(In a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

Try breathing through your nose.

A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

But whipped cream makes me break out.

Person 1: This is your first time... right?

Person 2: Yeah... today.

Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!

Can you please pass me the remote control?

Do you accept Visa?

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

And to think -- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

So much for mouth-to-mouth.

(Using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

Do you get any premium movie channels?

Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

(Preparing to incorporate peanut
butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

Got any penicillin?

But I just brushed my teeth...

Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

I want a baby!

So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

(In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

I think you have it on backwards.

When is this supposed to feel good?

Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

You're good enough to do this for a living!

Is that blood on the headboard?

Did I remember to take my pill?

Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

I wish we got the Playboy channel...

That leak better be from the waterbed!

I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.

No, really... I do this part better myself!

It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

This would be more fun with a few more people.

You're almost as good as my ex!

Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

You look younger than you feel.

Perhaps you're just out of practice.

You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

Now I know why he/she dumped you...

Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

What tampon?

Have you ever considered liposuction?

And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

What are you planning to make for breakfast?

I have a confession...

I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

Are those real or am I just behind the times?

Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

Is that a hanging sculpture?

You'll still vote for me, won't you?

Did I mention my transsexual operation?

I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

Did you come yet, dear?

I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...

A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

Does this count as a date?

Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

Hic! I need another beer for this please.

I think biting is romantic -- don't you?

You can cook, too right?

When would you like to meet my parents?

Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like... Woman: Yourself?

Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

(In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

Sorry but I don't do toes!

You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

Is this a sin too?

I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

Long kisses clog my sinuses...

Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[moocow]

A guy walks into a clock repair shop, flips out his dick and throws it on the counter. The lady working the register jumps back and says, "Excuse me, sir! This is a clock repair shop, not a cock repair shop"! So he says, "Yeah I know bitch, but I still want you to put two hands and a face on it!"

Bahaha.

[Darth Marsden]

William Shakespeare walks into a bar, intending to get a drink. The barman has other ideas though, and tells him to get out. Shakespeare asks him why. The barman replies 'Because you're bard!'

[Monica]

The Whipping

An Englishman Scotsman and Welshman have been arrested in a foreign country and are about to be whipped 40 times, but before they do they get a request each:

The welshman goes first and he asks for a cushion for his back, he gets it and is beaten.

The Scotsman is next and he askes for 5 cusions to go over his back, and he gets them and is whipped too.

The Englishman is last and the gaurd says, "let me guess, more cushions?" And the man says, "Nope, I want the Welshman to go over my back!"

[Darth Marsden]

How do you confuse an Irishman?

Put three shovels against a wall and tell him to take his pick.

[Eckels]

Two guys are hanging out in the backyard when one guy's wife walks by.

"Man, your wife has some beautiful tits", the one guy says.
"Thank you" the other guy says.
"No really, I think your wife has the most beautiful tits i've ever seen"
"Okay then... Thank you"
"I'll tell you what, I'll give you fifty bucks if I can suck on your wife's nipples for five seconds."
The other guy thinks it over for a few minutes. He owes some people some money and could probably use the fifty bucks, so he says "ok."
After some convincing his wife finally concedes and decides to go along with it. They all go up to the bedroom.
She takes off her shirt and her bra and lays down on her back on the king sized bed, with her arms at her sides. The friend sits down on the bed next to her.
First he grabs her breasts and squeezes them, then kisses and licks her neck. He moves down a bit and licks her stomach, and plays with her hair. Kisses all around her breasts, strokes her shoulders, then goes back to licking her neck and so on. This goes on for just over twenty minutes.
The wife begins to get impatient, and starts giving looks to her husband who talked her into this deal.
So the husband says "Well are you going to suck her nipples or what?!"
The guy says "I can't!"
The husband says "What do you mean 'you can't'? Why not?"
"Well because I don't have Fifty Bucks!"

[Darth Marsden]

Yeah! We've hit 100 posts! Booyah!

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

[rocksfan13]

The Top 15 "Star Wars" Euphemisms for Masturbation

15.Shooting Womprats in Beggar's Canyon

14.Grooming the Wookie

13.Making the Kessel Run

12.Polishing Vader's Helmet

11.Evacuating Tatooine

10.Unsheathing the Meatsaber

09.Releasing the Special Edition

08.Jumping to Delight Speed

07.Communicating with Red Leader One

06.Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo

05.Tinkering With the R2 Unit

04.Manually Targeting the Rebel Base

03.Performing the Jedi Hand Trick

02.Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears

and the Number 1 "Star Wars" Euphemism for Masturbation...


01.Test Firing the Death Star

[Darth Marsden]

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.
The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.
A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.
The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms.
Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.
The guy said, 'I'll take it,' and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms.
The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.
The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.
The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said 'Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?'

[rocksfan13]

The Top 12 Things Uttered by Yoda While Making Love

"Ahhh! Yoda's little friend seek you!"

"Excuse me while I put a shield on my saber, Sweetheart."

"Now you know why they put one of me in every Happy Meal, do you."

"Cuddling, afterplay -- a Jedi craves not these things."

"Down here, I am. Find a ladder, must I!"

"Do me or do me not -- there is no try."

"Early must I rise. Leave now must you!"

"You know, this would be a lot more fun without Frank Oz's hand up my ass."

"Happens to every guy sometimes this does."

"When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?"

"Who's your Jedi master? WHO'S your Jedi Master?"

and the Number 1 Thing Uttered by Yoda While Making Love...


"Ow, ow, OW! On my ear you are!"




The Top 16 Fatal Things to Say to Your Pregnant Wife


"Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

"Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!"

"I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

"Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

"Damn if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

"Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

"Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

"I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

"Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

"Get your *own* ice cream, Buddha!"

"Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

"Got milk?"

"Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

"Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

"Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

and TopFive's Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife...


"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass."




The Top 15 Euphemisms for "Getting Your Period"

Miss Scarlett's Come Home to Tara

Trolling for Vampires

A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

Saddling Old Rusty

Feelin' Menstru-riffic!

Clean-Up in Aisle One

Massacre at the Y

T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

Game Day for the Crimson Tide

Panty Shields Up, Captain!

Taking Carrie to the Prom

Playing Banjo in Sgt. Zygote's Ragtime Band

Ordering l'Omelette Rouge

Arts and Crafts Week at Panty Camp

and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Getting Your Period"...


Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

[erm2003]

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' "Can you read this?" the optician asked.
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

----------

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! HERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

----------

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[rocksfan13]

The Top 13 Rejected Pokemon Names




Jigglybutt

Herpekachu

Bongbuzz

Rastamon

Chepejapaneztoi

Fartachu

Mommysbroke

Pustulette

Wakamole

Guntotingoth

Watchutawkinboutwillis

Tracilords

and the Number 1 Rejected Pokemon Name...


Liberachee

[Darth Marsden]

There were three brothers who bought a three story house. The eldest brother had the top floor, the middle had the middle floor, and the youngest got the bottom floor.

A little while after they moved in, the eldest brother brought over his girlfriend. During that night, the two younger brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The next morning, the younger brothers asked their brother what the noise they'd heard last night was.

He replied, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

The middle brother was excited by that, so he brought over his girlfriend the next night.

During that night, the two other brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, ahhh.

The eldest and youngest asked him what the noise in his room last night was. He replied, "Click- turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and Ahhh-landed on my girl."

Now, the youngest brother was really excited. So he brought over his girlfriend, and that night, the older brothers heard the following sounds: Click, swish, fftt, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

In the morning, the older brothers asked him what the noise in his room was.

So, he said, "Click-turned off the light. Swish-ran across the room. Fftt-farted, and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-landed on the bedpost!

[ShadowTiger]

GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER:

1. Sag, You're it

2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.

3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.

4. Kick the bucket

5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.

6. Doc Doc Goose

7. Simon says something incoherent.

8. Hide and go pee

9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta

10. Musical recliners















To: former Floridians, current Floridians, future Floridians, and/or those who know a Floridian.

We're about to enter the hurricane season Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:

(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida.

So we'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place.

So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss.

Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages.



Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.

"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida" you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:

23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.

Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's traditional, so GET some!)

A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.

A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)

A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Andrew; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)

$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers standing right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.

Good luck and remember: it's great living in paradise! Those of you who aren't here yet you should come. Really!

[Darth Marsden]

If you are a woman...

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret, girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

-X-

One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach the step. Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step. So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”

[ShadowTiger]

Southern Grandma

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't
prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state, not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

[lord_jamitossi]

Hey all! I havn't had time to read all of these yet but I'm gonna go ahead and post these in hopes they haven't been done yet.

-X- (ah, the infamous -X-)

Three girls die and go to heaven. When they arrive there, St. Peter is there to greet them. He tells them, "I will let you into heaven but there is one rule : You must not step on a duck."

Sure enough, when they go through the gates, there are ducks EVERYWHERE. It is literally impossible to not step on a duck.

After barely even five minutes, the first girl steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together. He says, "your punnishment for stepping on a duck is an eternity handcuffed to this man." The new couple leave and are never seen again.

The other two girls last a couple weeks, then the second one steps on a duck. St. Peter shows up with an even uglier man, the most hideous she has ever seen. Once again, he handcuffs them together and tells her that she is to live for an eternity with this man.

The third girl lasts three entire months without stepping on a duck. One day, St. Peter appears with the most beautiful man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together and leaves without saying a word.

She says, "I don't know what I did to deserve this, but..."

He says, "I don't know about you, but -I- stepped on a DUCK!"

-X-

One day, a woman made beans as a treat for her husband. He enjoyed them a lot, but they made him fart very loudly and constantly. He made her promise to never make him beans again. She agreed.

Many years later, on the man's birthday, as he was walking home from work, he noticed a restaurant that was doing a special on beans. "It's my birthday," he thought, "she won't mind." So he walked in and ate a big plate of beans.

On the way home, he started farting again, loudly and constantly like before. When he got home, his wife blindfolded him and told him she had a suprise. She led him to the kitchen, but the phone rang so she ran to get it. He farted very loud again, but she didn't notice. And again. And again. Just after the smell had left, she returned.

She took off his blindfold.
The suprise was that there was 12 people around the table.

:D

[Darth Marsden]

Bit of a bumper load here, so bear with me. They're all good though.

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.
The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning, Pastor" the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked "Pastor, what is this?"
The pastor said "Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."
Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked "Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?"

-X-

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.
She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says "Miss, we're very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but... we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out. We know you're a millionaire, so why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies "The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Not all Blondes are dumb.

-X-

A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
Mr. Bush asked "What if Jonah went to the other place?"
The little girl replied "Then you ask him."

-X-

Recently one of my friends, a computer wizard, paid me a visit. As we were talking I mentioned having recently installed Windows XP on my PC and that I am very happy with this operating system. I also showed him the Windows XP CD, and to my surprise he threw it into my micro-wave oven and turned on the oven. Instantly I got very upset, because the CD had become precious to me, but he said: 'Do not worry, it is unharmed.'
After a few minutes he took the CD out, gave it to me and said: 'Take a close look at it.' To my surprise the CD was quite cold to hold and it seemed to be heavier than before. At first I could not see anything, but then on the inner edge of the central hole I saw an inscription; an inscription finer than anything I have ever seen before. The inscription shone piercingly bright, and yet remote, as if out of a great depth:
4F6E65204F5320746F2072756C65207468656D20616C6C2C20 4F6E65204F5320746
F2066696E64207468656D2CDA4F6E65204F5320746F2062726 96E67207468656D20
616C6C20616E6420696E20746865206461726B6E6573732062 696E64207468656D
'I cannot understand the fiery letters' I said.
'No' he said, 'but I can. The letters are Hex, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Microsoft, which I shall not utter here. But in common English this is what it says:
One OS to rule them all, One OS to find them,
One OS to bring them all and in the darkness bind them."

-X-

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said "I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"
The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.
Her girlfriend said "When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."
An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.
The lady replied "That son-of-a-bitch had $500 in quarters!"

-X-

A woman is on a date with a wrestler, and at the end of the date they start making out. Things start to get hot and heavy, and in the middle of it, the girl decides she's not into it. "Stop!" she says, but the guy seems not to hear her. "Get off me!" she finally shouts. "Get off me!"
The guy stops, jumps up, rips off his shirt, and starts flexing his muscles.
"What the hell are you doing?" asks the girl.
The guy stops and says "I thought you just told me to 'Get Awesome!'"

-X-

A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.
The Wal-Mart Greeter asks "Are they twins?"
The ugly woman says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? ... Do you think they really look alike?"
"No" replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!"

-X-

Two US Marines are listening to the radio in Iraq.
"American soldiers" coos a soft female voice, "Your so-called national Leaders have lied to you. You are needlessly risking your lives to wage a useless, unjust, illegal, and unwinnable war. Now is the time to return home to your loved ones, while you are still alive. If you foolishly insist on remaining where you are not wanted, the brave resistance fighters will have no choice but to kill you and add your name to the long ever-increasing casualty list of this insane war. So why risk never seeing your loved ones again for a so-called president who has repeatedly lied and deceived you at every opportunity? Why should you be sacrificed so that US corporations can enjoy fatter profits? The only wise thing to do is return home now, while you are still drawing breath, before you return zippered into a bodybag."
"What's this?" sneers one Marine. "An Islamo-terrorist version of Tokyo Rose?"
"No" answers the other. "It's just CNN!"

-X-

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.
"Richard" replied the little boy.
"And what is your question, Richard?"
"Actually, I have three questions: Whatever happened to your medical health care plan, Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office and Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume Hillary says "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.
"My name is George."
"And what is your question, George?"
"I've got 5 questions: Whatever happened to your medical health care plan, Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office, Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House, Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early and What happened to Richard?"

-X-

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'?"
Again, no response... except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"
She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: "Screw the Mexicans!"
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, another student in the back said "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glared and asked "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Pedro answered. "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Another student yelled "You're INCREDIBLE!"
Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said "You little punk ... if you say anything else, I'll kill you!"
Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."
The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said "Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!"
Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."
Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts "Duck"!
The teacher, just waking, asked "Who said that?"
Pedro answered: "Dick Cheney, 2006!"

-X-

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were "Oh S**T!" Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Arkansas, Alabama and Texas were different. There, 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[zeldafan500]

Theres 3 women stranded on an island: A blonde, a redhead, and a burnettte. A magic genie comes to them and says he will give each of them one wish. The redhead wishes she was is Los Vagus. The burnette wishes she was in hollywood. The blonde says: 'I'm lonely. I wish my freinds were back'.

Theres a magic bridge that if you jump off and say something that's what you'll land in. One guy jumps off and says 'gold'. He lands in gold. Another gut jumps off and says 'dimonds'. He lands in diamonds. One guy that doesn't know it's majic falls off and says 'Oh Crap!' So he lands in a big pile of-

(for if you don't know, redhead means red hair, burnette means brown hair, and blonde means blonde hair (duh))

[rocksfan13]

NEVER SAY TO A COP...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee ....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[ShadowTiger]

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."




--x--




Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did anything wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, and cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick!

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Jillian".

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home around 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean. I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"


Broken Coffee Table $89.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time....PRICELESS!

[anybody]

POTATO PROSTITUTES

Two little potatoes are standing
on the street corner. One is a
prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?


It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO :rofl:

[ShadowTiger]

Before the 2001 inauguration of George Bush, he was invited to a party to get an acquainted tour of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked President Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal. That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am President, I could have a gold urinal , too. But I wouldn't do something so self-indulgent!"

Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in his private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.

That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting Ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill:

"I found out who peed in your saxophone"

[anybody]

THE LOVE DRESS

A woman stopped by at her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the
daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"

'"My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It
excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.
He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"' What are you doing?" he asked.
" This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
" Needs ironing," he said. "'What's for dinner?"

[anybody]

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.



The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."


"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"



The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."


Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."



The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."



Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.


The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I' ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.



Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.



The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.



" Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."



The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.



Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.



The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.



"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.



"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[Darth Marsden]

Hey, thanks for keeping this thread alive, man.

What Men would do if they had a vagina for the day

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

And, accordingly, What Women would do if they had a penis for a day

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

-X-

Q. Why is making love to a teacher so great?
A. Because they'll make you do it over and over again until you get it right.

[ShadowTiger]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Prrkitty]

ROFLOL!! Shadowbabe... I can't say as I blame you <giggle>.

[ShadowTiger]

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified

1] My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2] A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

3] Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

4] "Hi. Now you say something."

5] "Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep."

6] "Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you?"

7] (From Japanese friend) He-lo! This is Sa-to. If you leave message, I call you soon. If you leave *sexy* message, I call sooner!

8] "Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

9] "Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you."

10] "This is not an answering machine -this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call."

11] "Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."

12] "Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."

13] "If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message."

14] Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

15] Hello, you've reached Jim and Gloria. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right .... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

[ShadowTiger]

Copied and pasted directly from the E-mail. Don't tell me that you've heard these before, because I don't want to hear it.



This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills! If you skip any, you have to read the last one! Unbelievable, but insist they are true. . . .

=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello.. I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
===============
Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah...................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
===============
Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."
===============
And last but not least...

Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager."
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

[Darth Marsden]

The ABCs of ex-girlfriends. In honour of the movie My Super Ex-Girlfriend, which I saw recently and didn't hate.

A is for Arteries.
You know, the things that your ex-girlfriend ripped out because she really didn't care for you, you twit, she was only after your money and could have given a shit about you.

B is for Bitter.
Who, me?? No way. I really hope things between them do work out. I hope they get married and have 2 children that are little devils and her hips get huge and his eyebrows finally grow completely together and they get fat and old together and then DIE!!

C is for Call ya later.
She won't. She never has before.

D is for Dumped.
Does D need to be explained?

E is for Eating like a pig.
Remember when you took her out and she said "I'm not hungry" so you figured you could take her to a nice place because you were able to afford a nice meal at this fine restaurant. Then she ate more than your Uncle Roy (you remember Uncle Roy the one with the mustard stains on everything). So you flip the bill and are broke for the next two weeks and she wonders why you were unable to call her that week and go see movies.

F is for Friends.
That is what she just wants to be. As if you can even stand to look at her.

G is for Gun.
And yes, there is a waiting period.

H is for Horny.
Remember when she looked nice and even had a personality? Well, you figure it out.

I stands for I still hate her.
Odds are I always will, unless she calls me and offers me favors.

J stands for Jim.
This is her new boyfriend. Doesn't Jim have a nice car ? Doesn't Jim have a good job? Why does Jim want to date her? I think Jim could do much better. I hate Jim. Jim is my mortal enemy.

K stands for Kill.
Her, that is. And Jim. Grr.

L is for Love.
It's a great euphoric feeling that exists between two people and is shared upon by both parties. L is also for Lunatic. Lunatics are crazy. Lunatics are the last people that actually believe in love.

M stands for Mephistophiles.
That is who she worked for.

N stands for Necropheliac.
She didn't move very much, did she?

O is for On top.
When on top she has another O word.

P is for Pill.
She said she was on it. She lied. She is now sueing you for a few hundred bucks a month.

Q is for Quitter.
She couldn't last.

R is for Rich Little Bitch.
She bought my love but I paid for it.

S stands for Suffer.
That's what she made me do.

T is for torture.
Torture is what she did. She tortured you with the truth. She also tortured you with lies.

U is for Understatement.
Which is saying that you hate that bitch.

V is for Voluptuous.
That is the primary reason you were dating her in the first place.

W stands for Whine.
She was a pro at this.

X is for Xylophone.
Because X is always for xylophone.

Y stands for You suck!
God, she yelled that at you a lot, didn't she?

Z stands for ZIPPER.
This is what you got your hair stuck in while trying to get dressed too quickly while she yelled "QUICK! They're home!"

. stands for period.
Which is a couple of weeks late, because she lied to you about taking what P stands for. It also means you won't get any for a week.

[ShadowTiger]

Once again, copied directly from an E-mail. I don't care whatsoever how real these sites are.


It's bad enough sending out an email without doing a quick proofreading pass, but imagine applying the same lack of care to your web site. I'm guessing some of these individuals are still clueless.

These are REAL:

1. A site called 'Who Represents ' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is

www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at

www.expertsexchange.com


3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at

www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at

www.therapistfinder.com



5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company.

www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales :

www.molestationnursery.com


7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always
www.ipanywhere.com


8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com



9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website:

www.speedofart.com


10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe ? Try their brochure website at
www.gotahoe.com

[Darth Marsden]

"Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and Scientists can never earn as much as Business Executives and Sales People."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

1. Knowledge is Power.
2. Time is Money.

As every engineer knows:
Power = Work / Time

Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money

It follows that:
Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion: The less you know,the more you make.

[anybody]

i just thought that this was amusing:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English
will be the official language of the European Union rather than German,
which was the other possibility.



As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that
English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-
year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".



In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy.



The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up
konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.



There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted
to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.



Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling.



Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag
is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th"
with "z" and "w" with "v".



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining
"ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.



Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.

[SkyMan25]

A teenager runs down the hill to school buttoning up his shirt. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager runs down the hill to school putting on his shoes. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager runs down the hill to school Pulling up his pants. when the techer asks him where hes been he says "on top of Cherry Hill" so he sits down.
The next day the teenager walks down the hill with a girl. when the techer asks who she is she say "Im Cherry Hill"

[Darth Marsden]

I love this one.

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue: "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[ShadowTiger]

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

Finally, the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.) We always hear "the rules" From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!



1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle, besides we know you will bring it up again later.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,! Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!




1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.





----x-----



The British have reacted to the recent terrorism alerts by raising their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies all but ran out.

Terrorists have been recategorised from "Tiresome" to a "BloodyNuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the Great Fire of 1666.

Also, the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and "Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday, as is customary, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

[Darth Marsden]

Some religious ones for you all to enjoy. And I do hope you are enjoying these...

It had been raining for days and days, and a terrible flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.
As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No" replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No" replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No" replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.
The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.
Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father" he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you want?"

-X-

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday" she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave" said the teacher. "These students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."

-X-

This guy arrives at the Pearly Gates. He has to wait to be admitted, while St. Pete leafs through his Big Book. He's checking to see if the guy is worthy of entry or not. Saint Peter goes through the books several times, furrows his brow, and says to the guy, "You know, I can't see that you did lots of good in your life but, you never did anything bad either. Tell you what, if you can tell me of one REALLY good deed that you did in your life, you're in."
The guy thinks for a moment and says "Well, there was this one time when I was drivin' down the highway and I saw a Biker Gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my car to see what was going on, and sure enough, that's what they were doing. There were about 20, maybe 30 of 'em torturing this chick. So I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron from my trunk and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the Gang formed a circle all around me. So I ripped the leader's chain off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone, you slime! You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you all a lesson in pain!'"
St. Peter, extremely impressed, says "Really? Wow, when did all this happen?"
"Er.. about two minutes ago."

-X-

A man was driving down the highway, and sees a sign saying "Sisters of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 10 miles." Thinking it is some sort of joke, he pays no attention, until he sees a similar sign reading "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, 5 miles."
Still unsure, he drives on, until spotting a third sign saying "Sister's of Mercy, House of Prostitution, next exit". His curiosity getting the better of him, he takes the exit and parks his car outside the convent.
He knocks on the door, and tells the nun who answers "I saw your signs on the highway, are they for real?"
The nun answers "Yes" and tells him to give her $50 and follow her to a room.
He enters a room, and a second nun requests $50, and leads him to a door. Once he opens the door, he is quickly shoved outside by the nun.
He finds himself behind the convent, where he sees the final sign, which reads 'Thank you for you contributions. You have just been screwed by the Sisters of Mercy.'

[anybody]

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
>A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said "All I want out of
>life is four little animals, just like my mom always says ."
>The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
>The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger
>in bed and a jackass to pay for it all."
>The teacher fainted.
>

[anybody]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"

He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

[ShadowTiger]

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Mel Gibson. They're asking for a $310 million ransom. Otherwise they're going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

[Darth Marsden]

I remember an old version of that joke with OJ Simpson, but your one is funnier. Tom Cruise would've been even better though.

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father.
He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home however, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

-X-

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said "God you're beautiful..." and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "Hey cutie."
His wife, a little dissapointed, said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"
He replied "The drugs are wearing off..."

-X-

A brief history of medicine:

2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

[moocow]

Aviation History!

Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claim an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.

This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the US Air Force and the federal government.

However, you may well NOT know that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic crash day, Albert Gore, Jr.; Hillary Rodham; John F. Kerry; William Jefferson Clinton;
Howard Dean; Nancy Pelosi; Dianne Feinstein; Charles E. Schumer; and Barbara Boxer were born.

That piece of information has now cleared up a lot of things.



-X-


The following is an actual question given on a University of
Washington chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pres sure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell
freezes over.

So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to "John" by "Jane" that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,"
and take into account the fact that he slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, "Jane" kept shouting "Oh my God."



THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"

[ShadowTiger]

The images are fairly self explanatory.




http://users.sephiroth.ws/ST/images/NewMathexpanded_1.jpg

---------------------------

http://users.sephiroth.ws/ST/images/NewMatha0b7re2.jpg

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http://users.sephiroth.ws/ST/images/NewMath434ere2.jpg

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http://users.sephiroth.ws/ST/images/NewMath9e47re2.jpg

[Darth Marsden]

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. - Sigh.. Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. - Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

[ShadowTiger]

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, do you hear me?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares. Now what do we tell them for Christmas?"

[Prrkitty]

OHHHHHHHH!!! THAT was BAD ST!! <roflol>
:)

[ShadowTiger]

Heh, thanks. :p Another few:


Two Jews, Morty and Saul, are out one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking.

Saul says to Morty, "So listen, Morty, you know I don't swim so well."

Morty remembered how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class when he was just a kid. So Morty begins tugging Saul toward shore. After ten minutes, he begins to tire. Finally about 100 feet from shore, Morty asks Saul, "So Saul, do you suppose you could float alone?"

Saul replies, "Morty, this is a hell of a time to be asking for money."


--x--


Popeye The Sailor Dead at 77

A California natural foods company was linked Friday to a nationwide bacterial outbreak that has killed one cartoon celebrity and sickened nearly 100 people.
The fatality has now been identified as Popeye TheSailorman, of Sweethaven, CA., who was known to buy his spinach at Natural Selection Foods, based in San Juan Bautista, Calif., where the outbreak is believed to have originated.

After complaining of severe gas pains, Popeye was rushed to The National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, Maryland, where he finally dropped anchor. Popeye's stepson, Sweetpea TheSailorman, has asked the press to respect his family's privacy.

Popeye's first wife, Olive Oyl, died in a mysterious spear-fishing accident off the Florida Keys. His six other marriages ended in divorce. The animation star leaves a fortune estimated at more than $680 million from proceeds of the sale of the fried chicken franchise that bears his name. Popeye's long time companion, J. Wellington Wimpy, with whom it is generally believed he had a homosexual relationship throughout the years, stands to inherit the bulk of the estate under California's liberal domestic partner laws.

The death sent shockwaves through the often indistinguishable worlds of cartoons and politics. Rep. Nancy Pelosi said the incident illustrates the need for farm workers to have Porta-Johns in the fields at all times, as the absence of toilet tissue makes spinach leaves "an all too attractive and deadly alternative." A distraught cartoon President George W. Bush was visibly shaken upon hearing the news and has gone into seclusion. Aides say the president thinks "evildoers" are responsible and has vowed to track them down.

FDA officials stressed that the bacteria had not been isolated in products sold by Natural Selection Foods but that the link was established by patient accounts of what they had eaten before becoming ill.

An investigation is continuing.

Popeye TheSailor is to be buried with full military honors at Arlington National Cemetery.

[ShadowTiger]

Proof That The World is Nuts.

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may nly see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (Wait, A brick??)

*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (Much worse than "going blind!")

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time. Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let's just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands. The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England - but only in tropical fish stores. (But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~**~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~**~*~*

In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time. (I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only "in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises."

(Is this a great country or what? Well, . . not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. ! (Who volunteers for this stuff?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of ?) (Did the government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last: Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

[Darth Marsden]

I'm not posting so much since I got a job, butI'm not abandoning this thread altogether...

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party, but their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer 'What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?'
'I give it to them' replied the lawyer, 'and then I send them a bill.'
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.
When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

-X-

Time for some great quotes...

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield

When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason, there's a reason.
Molly McGee

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
Mickey Rooney

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
Helen Rowland

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
Unknown

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Rita Rudner

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
Robert Frost

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse
Dennis Miller

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Edgar Bergen

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.
Leslie Nielsen

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning you're on the job.
Slappy White

I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.
Robert Paul

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
Muhammad Ali

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.
Dennis Miller

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.
Jerome K Jerome

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
Janet Coleman

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
Andy Rooney

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
George Carlin

If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
Paul Beatty

In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
Joey Adams

[Nfiend]

*ahem*

THE BELOW MAY BE EXPLICIT/DISTURBING TO SOME INDIVIDUALS! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!!!!


-------------------------

A man and his new wife have been having sex for their entire honeymoon. But when they get back to their home, the husband finds he can't 'get it up'. So, he goes to his doctor. He asks the doctor what's wrong with him, and the doctor says 'Oh, it's nothing. It happens to me all the time. Just rub your hand over your wife's pussy, then smell your hand. You'll be at it again in no time.' The man heads home with high hopes, even making his wife go to bed early so he can try it. His wife falls asleep immediatly, but he still lies awake.... and then, ever so slowly, he reaches over and feels between his wifes legs. He brings his hand up, inhales deeply, and is rewarded by a sharp 'doing' from his dong. He shakes his wife awake, excitedly saying "Hey honey! look! let's have sex!" His wife gazes at him, annoyed: "Honey, you woke me up for a bloody nose?".


The End.


ps.....
If u didnt get it, pm me for an answer.

[ShadowTiger]

U.S. Questions Size of North Korean Nuke Blast; Kim Jong-Il Says Size Does Not Matter
'The Earth Moved,' Claims North Korean Dictator

Just days after U.S. officials expressed their doubts about the size of North Korea's recent nuclear test, North Korean president Kim Jong-Il lashed out at his American doubters today, releasing a terse statement from Pyongyang asserting that "size does not matter."

On Tuesday, the U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) measured the North Korean nuclear blast at a magnitude of 4.2 and released the following statement: "Based on our measurements, what Kim Jong-Il actually has is much smaller than what he claims he has."

This statement drew a fierce rebuttal from Mr. Kim, who said that the size of the blast did not matter, adding that other factors such as "strength and endurance" must be taken into account when evaluating a nuclear test.

Those comments did not go unanswered for long, however, as the USGS responded that the blast lasted only 2.3 seconds, adding, "That may have been good for him, but it was not good for us."

Those remarks from the USGS only seemed to inflame the mercurial Kim, who then issued the following statement: "The undeniable truth is that the earth moved."

Moments after Mr. Kim made his remarks, however, they were refuted by White House spokesman Tony Snow, who made the following dismissive comment to reporters: "The earth may have moved for him, but we were not feeling much on this end."

[ShadowTiger]

Two weeks... ... daaamn ... let's keep the ball rolling! Let's not let the thread die out!



-----------

There may be those among you who support including Spanish in our national language. I for one am 110% against this!

We must preserve the exclusivity and above all, the purity of the English language. To all the shlemiels, shlemazels, nebbishes, nudniks, klutzes, putzes, shlubs, shmoes, shmucks, nogoodniks, and momzers that are out there pushing Spanish, I just want to say that I, for one, believe that English and only English deserves linguistic prominence in our American culture.

To tell the truth, it makes me so farklempt, I'm fit to plotz. This whole Spanish schmeer gets me broyges, specially when I hear these erstwhile mavens and luftmenschen kvetching about needing to learn Spanish. What chutzpah!

These shmegeges can tout their shlock about the cultural and linguistic diversity of our country, but I, for one, am not buying their shtick. It's all so much dreck, as far as I'm concerned. I exhort you all to be menshen about this and stand up to their fardrayte arguments and meshugganah, farshtunkene assertions. It wouldn't be kosher to do anything else.

Remember, when all is said and done, we have English and they've got bubkes! The whole mynseh is a pain in my tuchas!

~Jackie Mason

[Prrkitty]

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.

While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task. The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment.

Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles.

He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

The next Sunday, eager to find out how successful they were the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?"

Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."

"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, proudly replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."

The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?"

Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded.

That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could"

"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."

Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f- for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"

"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this B-B-B-B-Bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"

[Darth Marsden]

Nobody posted here for two weeks? Thanks for bumping it, ST.

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. 'Wow, this is great' he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
'Hey' he called. 'I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?'
'Yes. Come and join us' they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. 'What else do you wild rabbits do?' he asked. 'Well' one of them said, 'You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.' This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again 'What else do you do?'
'You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.' The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. 'Is there anything else you guys do?' he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. 'There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there?' he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. 'They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it.' Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. 'That was fantastic' he panted. 'So are you going to live with us then?' one of them asked. 'I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't.' The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. 'Why? We thought you liked it here.'
'I do' our friend replied. 'But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a fag.'

-X-

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. 'Dear' she chirped, 'I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.'

-X-

The class assignment in composition was to write about something unusual that happened during the past week. Little Irving got up to read his. 'Papa fell in the well last week...' he began. 'Good heavens' shrieked Mrs. Kroop, the teacher. 'Is he all right?' 'He must be' said little Irving. 'He stopped yelling for help yesterday.'

-X-

A group of guys and one girl are sitting together at a ball game. During the game the guys notice that the girl knows just as much about the game as they do, and they're really impressed. After the game they ask her 'how is it that you know so much about baseball?'
She says 'Well, I used to be a guy and got a sex change.' The guys are amazed, but very curious about the process. 'What was the most painful part of the process? Was it when they cut off your penis?'
'That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.'
'Was it when they cut off your balls?'
'That was very painful, but was not the most painful part.'
'What was the most painful part?'
'The part that hurt the most was when they cut my salary in half.'

-X-

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says 'Martha, I think I really should try that.' Martha replies 'I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10.' So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says 'Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane.' Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up 'Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each.' Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says 'Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff.' Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says 'Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!'

-X-

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said 'I'm sorry, but I've just had some bad news... my grandfather just died.'
'Thank god!' his date replied. 'If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!'

-X-

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. 'Don't you want her name engraved upon it?' asked the jeweler.
The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied 'No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

-X-

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, 'Okay. Whatcha wanna talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?'
'Alright' said Little Johnny. 'That could be fun. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that happens?'
'Jeez' said the stranger. 'I've no idea.'
'Well' said Little Johnny 'why the hell do you wanna talk about nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

[ShadowTiger]

Member nations of the UN gathered for an annual Meeting of technological advancement reports. The United States ambassador stood and proudly announced, "We have developed a space craft that can fly directly into the sun!" The crowd was shocked murmurs and exclamations of "How could this be!" were heard. His assistant quickly handed him a sheet of paper, he coughed and then addressed the audience, "I'm sorry, actually, our new space craft can only fly 3 centimeters below the sun." The Japanese ambassador stood next and told the gathering, "Our Japanese scientists have invented a midget submarine that can touch the bottom of the deepest part of the ocean." Again, shock and disbelief rang through the great meeting hall. An assistant jumped up and whispered in the Japanese Ambassador's ear. He bowed deeply and said, "My deepest apologies, forgive my mistake. Our new submarine can only reach 3 centimeters above the deepest part of the ocean." It was now the French ambassador's turn to make announcement of France's contribution. He stood and looked around, "We in France have been able to develop people that can eat with their noses!" Now the UN meeting as in shock and visible horror that France would play with genetic engineering. "Actually, they eat only 3 centimeters below their noses."

------

During one of the many wars that the Indabudarains and the Tirans fought and the Indabudarains usually lost, the Indabudarains just happened to capture a Tirans Major. An officer brought the Major to the Indabudarains general for interrogation. The Indabudarains general began ridiculing the Major for wearing "that stupid red tunic." The Indabudarain general said, "Why to you wear that red uniform, it makes it easy for us to shoot you." The Tirans major replied, "If I do get wounded, the blood will not show, and my soldiers will not get scared." The Indabudarain general said, "That is a very good idea," The Indabudarain general turned to his orderly and said, "From now on all Indabudarain officers will wear brown pants."

-----

.. Er .. Load it yourself (http://www.strategypage.com/humor/articles/military_humor_pricelessprotest.asp).

[Darth Marsden]

A penguin walks into a bar and asks for a sandwich and a pint! The bartender is astounded by this talking flightless bird and asks about his life. The penguin goes on to explain that he is working at the building site across the road.
Weeks go by and the penguin becomes a regular lunchtime fixture at the bar.
One day a circus comes to town and who should walk into the pub, but the ringmaster. He starts chatting to the barman and learns of the talking penguin who frequents his establishment.
Amazed at this and somewhat skeptical, the ringmaster retorts that if this is true then he would draw in the crowds with an act such as a talking Antarctic bird. The barman says that the penguin should be in soon as it was nearly lunchtime. So the King of the Ring sits in the corner and waits.
Sure enough in walks the penguins and orders his pint of Guinness and his tuna sandwich. The ringmaster walks over after hearing the penguin's food request to introduce himself to the amazing bird.
'Hello there' said the Ringmaster. 'I run the circus that's in town and I am always on the lookout for new talent. Can I offer you a job?'
'Is it that big tent in the park?' said the penguin.
'Yes' replied the Ringmaster.
'The big round tent with the pole sticking out at the top and the flaps and ropes?'
'Yes, Yes my feathered friend.'
'Don't be daft' said the penguin. 'I'm a plasterer!' and walked back to the building site.

-X-

Some more, supposedly true, tech support stories...

A computer maker is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is. AST technical support had a called complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another support technician recieved a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn''t read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the disk.

A computer technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Another customer called to say he couldn''t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hiting the "send" key.

Another customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told Egghead was a software store, the man said,"Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had clearned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A technician recieved a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer''s "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn''t be taken personally.

An exasperated caller to Computer Tech Support couldn''t get her new Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on the foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer''s mouse.

Another customer called tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn''t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

[Nicholas Steel]

heres a &quot;saying in a story&quot; style joke.

http://forum.team17.com/attachment.php?attachmentid=28729&d=1160532780 edit: posted this further below so you dont need to register on the t17 forums to view it.

[Darth Marsden]

Could you actually post that story here Franpa? I've no intention of joining the Team17 forums. I post here erratically enough as is.

-X-

Utterly true facts. I'm totally serial.

Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.

Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.

Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation, completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.

In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of 7ft 1 inch.

The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent aphrodisiac.

This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a tampon(unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as a 'Cunt Pump'.

Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of seminal fluid. He also holds the records for the greatest height(12ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle velocity, with 42.7mph.

The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned from 134 washrooms in his state.

Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.

-X-

Some of the lesser known computer viruses...

Jane Fonda Virus: attacks your hard drive's FAT

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

Airline Virus: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive

PBS Virus: Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

O.J. Virus: It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

-X-

Jack and Paul had been best friends at school, but after finishing colleage, Jack had gotten married and Paul had gotten a job halfway across the country. But at a school reunion, the two met up and started reminiscing, though it wasn't long before talk turned to more recent matters.
'So Jack' said Paul, 'how have you and the wife been getting on?'
'Ugh, don't start' came the bitter reply. 'Ever since we got married, she's has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music... hell, even how to invest in the stock market.'
'Well hey, that sounds great!' said Paul.
'Yeah' said Jack, not convinced.
'You sound bitter.'
'Well, yeah. I liked who I was. I mean, the new me's nice and all, but...' Jack tappered off.
'...but what?' queried Paul. 'You're not attracted to her anymore or something?'
'No, it's not that.' said Jack. 'I'm just too good for the bitch now.'

-X-

A nurse from England was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a Mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.
When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading: "Keep off the grass."
After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing, which said: "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

[ShadowTiger]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates. I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."


---x---


A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon became a nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough to satisfy his young bride.

His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that all was well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.

Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited the doctor to get some advice.

"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make love to my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"

The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in a professional manner, "Try a bit of self-stimulation before having intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."

"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."

Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door when he arrived home.

"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," she cooed over the phone.

Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. But where? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked in on him?

He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.

A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his "therapy".

A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapy session, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping his eyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying, he said, "Yes?"

"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what you are doing, please?" said the officer.

"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," he replied confidently.

"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there. Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."


---x---
(Now for some of my favorites: )


The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."

"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."

"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."

"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."

"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."

"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.

"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."

"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh.... ..equipment?"

"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."

"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"



---x---


A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

"Oh My God-Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"

"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems"

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.

So he started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!

After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.

"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and drive my car to go home!"

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

"Only if it's raining."

[biggiy05]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and
the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles
around to see the
famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people
up here to be put
into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every
member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique
watch. It's a
very special watch - it's been in my family for six
generations. He
began to swing the watch gently back and forth while
quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the
watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of
pairs of eyes
followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly...

...it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to
the floor,
breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the Hypnotist.


..........It took three weeks to clean up the Senior
Center.

[ShadowTiger]

Insults we should all learn:


"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx


"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb


"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
Thomas Brackett Reed


"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde


Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today - Anon.


I don't know what makes you so dumb but it really works - Anon.


See, that's what's meant by dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome. - Anon


Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!


Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.


Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.


He is living proof that man can live without a brain!


I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.


I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?


If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.


"I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland." - Woody Allen


"He walked as if he had fouled his small clothes and looks as if he smelt it."
Christopher Smart on Thomas Gray


"This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."
Book review by Dorothy Parker

[ShadowTiger]

Oh man, I laughed so hard at this one. XD


At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to carry out an audit of the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

"What about all these matzo (flat bread eaten at Passover) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?" "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.

What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."



----x----


DONATION:

Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will".


************************************************** *

PEST CONTROL

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet,
stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him. "

I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards."


----x----


A Love Story

I will seek and find you .
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,
signed:
The Flu

Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!
















EDIT: I don't want to double post, so consider this a dividor of sorts. (11/12/06)







--x--


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.


--x--

Pretty funny (http://www.compilots.com/section-viewarticle-23.html)

[Darth Marsden]

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.'
They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

-X-

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying 'Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!'
The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning 'Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!'

-X-

What's the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

-X-

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: 'Why are you laughing?'
'I was thinking about my own funeral' the man replied.
'What's so funny about that?'
'I'm a gynecologist.'

[domyboy]

just look (no virus) http://coll.portbb.com/

[Mitsukara]

Spam: the ultimate joke.

[Darth Marsden]

Ack! My beautiful, beautiful thread, sullied! Is nothing sacred anymore?

Feeling somewhat lonely after her husband had died, a Jewish lady decides to buy a pet to keep her company, so she goes into town and explains the situation to the man behind the counter.
'I think I know what will suit you' says the man, guiding the woman to a nearby parot. 'This is Bella - she's always up for chat and I've no doubt she'll keep you company for years.'
The Jewish lady is delighted and buys the bird as the man struggles to keep a grin off his face - this will be the funniest prank ever, he thinks to himself. The lady is walking back home when all of a sudden the bird yells out 'MY NAME IS BELLA! I LIKE TO FUCK AND I WANT SOME SEX!'
The old lady is shocked - surely it didn't say what she thought it'd said? Hurridly she gets the bird home and demands it talk politely. No such luck - the bird opens its beak and yells 'MY NAME IS BELLA AND I WANT TO FUCK!'
The old lady tries for a solid hour trying to get the bird to behave, but nothing works. Eventually she hears a knock at the door, and it turns out to be the local rabbi, who has been informed that her bird is not what was advertised. The woman assures the rabbi that this is a gross understatement, and while he is in the middle of assuring her that is cannot be as bads as all that, the bird chirps up 'MY NAME IS BELLA AND I WANT SEX NOW!'
'Goodness me!' says the rabbi. 'This simply will not do. If I may, I have three parrots of my own at home, and I believe that they may well be able to teach this... fouth-mouthed creature to behave.'
The woman is most grateful for the offer, and so the rabbit leaves with Bella. He gets home and tells his own flock 'This is Bella. She is bad. You must teach her to be good.'
Suddenly, Bella shouts 'MY NAME IS BELLA! I LIKE TO FUCK AND I WANT SEX NOW!'
The rabbi's parrots look at each other and one says 'I told you if we prayed long enough...'

[Prrkitty]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was: "Name seven advantages of "Mothers Milk." Worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, who had partied late the night before, was frustrated to think of seven advantages.

He wrote:
1. It is perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always at the right temperature.
4. It is inexpensive.
5. It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6. It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang, indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7. It comes in such cute containers.

He got an "A".

[ShadowTiger]

Two weeks. .. Geez. :(


Nursery Rhymes - New versions

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat,
jewels, a waterfront condo,
and a sports car.


--x--

Not so much a joke, but something I'd love to pass along.

Hu's On First (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUU7vOqK0DM)







..




EDIT etc: I don't like to double post. I just don't. Here's stuff from 12/12/06.


Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in PITTSBURGH. One day the airport was fogged in and they
were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing." "What's that?"

"Have you farted yet?" "No "

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver ."

[Darth Marsden]

Two weeks? Oops. Let's see what my custom Google homepage says...

As you may have heard, the to Princes, William and Harry, are organising a concert in honour of the late Princess of Wales. Try as I might however, I was unable to get a ticket. It must be a conspiracy... PROBABLY INVOLVING MI6!
Apologies to Matt, whom I shamelessly ripped that from

-X-

A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says 'Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?'
The doctor says 'Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.'

-X-

What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

-X-

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked 'Do you enjoy it?', to which she replied in the affirmative.
Then he asked 'Does it hurt you?' She shook her head.
The Doctor then told her 'Well, then, there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified. 'You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
The Doctor replied 'Of course. Where do you think lawyers come from?'

-X-

What's the difference between a man and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to talk nicely.

-X-

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says 'You need to stop masturbating.'
The guy replies 'Why Doc? Am I going blind?'
The doctor says 'No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room.'

-X-

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.
He said 'Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you.'
Adam said 'Great! How much will she cost me?'
The answer came back: 'An arm and a leg.'
Adam though about this for a moment, before asking 'What can I get for a rib?'

-X-

A man went into a lawyer's office, and demanded to see the lawyer. He was escorted into the lawyer's office. The man needed legal help, but he knew how expensive lawyers could be, so he inquired 'Can you tell me how much you charge?'
'Of course' the lawyer replied. 'I charge $500 to answer three questions.'
'Don't you think that's an awful lot of money to answer three questions?'
'Yes it is' answered the lawyer. 'What's your third question?'

[ShadowTiger]

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss: the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn-signal fluid."

11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.

12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."

13. Definition of a teenager: God's punishment for enjoying sex.

14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

[Darth Marsden]

How is an apple like a lawyer?
They both look good hanging from a tree.

-X-

If Windows is the solution, can we please have the problem back?

-X-

Did you hear about the woman who finally figured out men?
She died laughing before she could tell anybody.

-X-

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. 'I assume' she snarled, 'that there's a good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?'
'There is." he replied, "Breakfast.'

-X-

An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. 'How're you doing?' asks the doctor.
'Pretty good' answers the old man. 'I'm eating well, and I'm still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.'
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man's wife. 'And how're you feeling?' he asks.
'I'm doing pretty well' answers the old woman. 'I still have lots of energy and I'm not feeliing any pain.'
The doctor says 'That's good. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?'
'Oh No' says the woman. 'He's peeing in the refrigerator again.'

[Nicholas Steel]

Could you actually post that story here Franpa? I've no intention of joining the Team17 forums. I post here erratically enough as is.
no i cant... its 58388 characters long and i can only post messages 25000 characters long... and i cant attach files here... i can attach it to rapidshare or something but that isn't a "permanent" link...

[ShadowTiger]

I think you're allowed to double post for the sake of actual content that people might want to read. :shrug: If people don't feel up to reading two full posts worth, that's really just their loss. Don't let that stop other people from enjoying it though. :)



There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo
toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her
first day promptly at 8:00 AM. The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at
the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins
to rant about the new employee. He complains that Lena is incredibly slow
and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line
behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for
himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmos
all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the
end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo'..
She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2
men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it
around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between
Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of
hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena . "I'm sorry," he

says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you
misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...." "Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles".

[Nicholas Steel]

part 1

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family,
his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now
that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way
was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a
cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied
the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels
sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket
is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some
ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to
it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed
a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He
figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry
creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's
close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of
these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he
can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd
forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the
night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without
water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a
little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid
for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever
moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's
careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the
wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep
going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It
must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried
in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes
his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it
hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close
enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker
than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he
can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it -
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what
the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm

[Nicholas Steel]

part 2

guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

[Nicholas Steel]

part 3

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom
he'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go
see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I
have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.

Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN
LEVER!", he ran over the snake.

THE END

[Darth Marsden]

Oh my god! Close this thread, we can't get better then that!*

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.
The blonde realises he is staring and inquires 'Are you looking at my pussy?'
'Yeah, sorry' says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.
'No, it's OK' replies the woman. 'It's very talented. Watch this - I'll make it blow a kiss to you.'
Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.
Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.
'I can also make it wink' says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.
'Come and sit next to me' suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over
and is asked '"Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?'
Stunned, Joe replies "Christ! It can whistle as well?'

-X-

Making love to a woman is like...

...making a cup of coffee. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir, gently and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And then you put in the milk.

...laying a carpet. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

...hanging up wallpaper. You clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

...putting up a tent. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and then you slip in to the old bag.

...washing a car. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. And give every inch of it your loving attention. And make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

...being in therapy. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

...being in a car crash. First of all, brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

...going fishing. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

*I'm kidding, don't close the thread.

[Prrkitty]

Woman's Poem
--------------------

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked the shit out of him...
Like his mother used to do.

[Prrkitty]

Title: Zero to 200 in two seconds.

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. "Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it -- and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.

[Prrkitty]

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

"I'm a whore," she says.

The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."

The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

"No, that still won't work. Try again."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."

"Chicken Farmer it is!"

[MasterSwordUltima]

Meh, I'm not one for long jokes, but this one made me laugh when I heard it.

What's white and falls from the sky?

The coming of the lord...

Lame? Meh, I laughed.

[biggiy05]

The President, First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make 56 million people very happy."

[ShadowTiger]

At last.... A Real Man's Chain Letter!


This chain letter was started in hopes of bringing relief to other tired and discouraged men. Unlike most chain letters, this one doesn't cost anything!

Just send a copy of this letter to five of your male friends who are equally tired and discontented. Then bundle up your wife and/or girlfriend and send her to the man whose name appears at the top of the following list, and add your name to the bottom of the list.

When your turn comes, you will receive 15,625 women. One of them is bound to be better than the one you already have.

At the writing of this letter, a friend of mine had already received 184 women, four of whom were worth keeping.

This chain also brings good luck. One man's pit bull died, and the next day he received a Playboy playmate.

An unmarried Jewish man living wi th his widowed mother was able to choose between a Hooter's waitress and a Hollywood super model.

You can be lucky too, but DO NOT BREAK THE CHAIN! One man broke the chain and got his wife back again.

Let's keep it going, men! Just add your name to the list below.



----------------------
Bill Clinton

780 3rd Ave New York , NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave.
New Yor k , NY 10017

Billie Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

B. Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

William Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

W. Jefferson Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

W. Jeff Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York, NY 10017

W. J. Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

W. Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

William J Clinton
780 3r d Ave. New York , NY 10017

Willem Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

Wilhelm Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

Billy Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

Willie Clinton 780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

Will Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

Mr. Hillary Clinton
780 3rd Ave. New York , NY 10017

[Prrkitty]

Two alligators were sitting in the swamp talking.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't understand how you're so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by The capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer ‘em to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, you ain't got nothin left but an asshole and a briefcase."

[Prrkitty]

The buzz word in today's business world is MARKETING. However, people often ask for a simple explanation of "Marketing."

Well, here it is:

1. You're a woman and you see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."

1) That's Direct Marketing.

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and, pointing at you, says, "She's fantastic in bed."

2) That's Advertising.

3. You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."

3) That's Telemarketing.

4. You see a guy at a party; you straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."

4) That's Public Relations.

5. You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed."

5) That's Brand Recognition.

6 You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.

6) That's a Sales Rep.

7. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you.

7) That's Tech Support.

8. You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing, so you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"

8) That's Junk Mail.

9. You are at a party and this well-built man walks up to you and grabs your ass.

9) That's the Governor of Arkansas.

10. You like it, but twenty years later your attorney decides you were offended.

10) That's America.

[ShadowTiger]

... Damn you Verman. :blah: Don't be doing that again yo.


Hollywood Squares...

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics. These questions and answers are from the days when " Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde : If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver (aka Clifford Arquette ) : Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts : That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie : No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver : My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price : No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde : Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver : Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie : Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde : Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie : Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen : Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde : Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde : Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver : It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde : Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth. (My favorite one. :p )

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde : Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver : I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver : His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde : Point and laugh.



------x------

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

[Prrkitty]

The Love Dress
-------------------
A woman stopped by her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for your son to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed!

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Your son loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and it goes on for hours. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[ShadowTiger]

Another E-mail I'd received:

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One!

We were dressed and ready to go out to a New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab,my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.

So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car...










--x--


>:-D



George W. Bush not only smiles and waves nicely, always knows the right thing to say, too!

Bush and the Queen at London Heathrow, a 300-foot long red carpet is stretched out to Air Force One and Mr. Bush strides to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

They ride in a silver 1934 Bentley limousine to the edge of central London where they board an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white matching horses.

As they ride toward Buckingham Palace, each looking sideways and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all is going well.

But suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous, earth-rending, eye-smarting blast of gastronomic flatulence ever heard in the British Empire, including Bermuda, Tortola and other islands.

It shakes the coach.

Uncomfortable, but under control, the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decides that's ridiculous.

She turns to Mr. Bush and explains, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George W. Bush, ever the gentleman, replies, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something, I would have thought it was one of the horses."

[Prrkitty]

Valentines Day & Bin Laden
---------------------------
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then... he'd start going all over the place and tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride, "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."

Her father just shook his head...

[Prrkitty]

I can't remember if this has been posted before. If so... I'm sorry. If not... enjoy :)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Golfing 3.6.

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User.....

-------
REPLY:
-------
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony/Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance . Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 . Once this happens, the ONLY way to improve the performance is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Darth Marsden]

Start being sorry, you little scamp.

An attractive young woman goes to the IVF clinic for a course of artificial insemination. The doctor tells her to go behind the screen, strip and lie on the examination table.
A few minutes later the doctor joins the woman behind the screen and starts taking his clothes off. The woman, a little worried, asks what's going on.
'I'm afraid we've run out of the bottled stuff' the doctor replies, 'so you'll have to have draught.'

-X-

A man walks into his local chiropodist and plants his cock onto the table. 'That's not a foot' says the chiropodist.
'I know' says the man, 'but it's a good 11 inches!'

-X-

To cut costs, a managing director is forced to sack an employee. After much deliberation, he narrows the choice to two people: Jack and Debbie. Both have near perfect records and it's an incredibly tough decision. After hours of thought he still can't decide, so he makes it simple - the first one to the water cooler on Monday morning gets the sack.
Monday arrives and Debbie walks in with a massive hangover. After a few minutes she's over at the water cooler, drowning the pain in water. Slowly the MD wanders over and says 'Debbie, I'm so sorry, but due to powers beyond control I've got to lay you or Jack off.'
'Oh' says Debbie, 'well would you kind jacking off then? I've got a massive headache this morning...'

[Prrkitty]

The Whys of Men
---------------------------------

1. Why do men become smarter during sex?
a) Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. Why don’t men blink during sex?
a) They don't have enough time.

3. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
a) None of them stop to ask for directions.

4. Why do men snore when they lie on their backs?
a) Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.

5. Why were men given larger brains then dogs?
a) So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

6. Why did God make man before woman?
a) You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. How many men does it take to put a toilet seat down?
a) Don't know... it’s never happened.

And last but not least…

8. Why did God put men on earth?
a) Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

[Nicholas Steel]

--x--

Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon some tracks.
The first blonde says "They’re deer tracks."
The second blonde says "They’re bear tracks."
The third blonde says "They’re moose tracks."
Then a train hits them.

--x--

Upgrading Bill Gate's Hell
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of long-legged women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.

"This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see Heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, beautiful and sunny, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, surrounded with heavy thick-legged women and being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed.

"How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment.

"This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the long-legged women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said, "that was Hell 3.1. This is Hell 95."

--x--

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

--x--

Three men stand before St Peter awaiting admission into Heaven.
However, St Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today.
St Peter: Who died the worst death?
So St Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: "I'd been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early form work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn't find anyone or any trace that he had been there. But the last place I looked was out on the balcony. I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn't fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn't kill the ******* - he landed in these bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself."
St Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: "I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he comes out with this hammer and smashes my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in these bushes. I couldn't believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn't last - the last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me."
St Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones.Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: "Picture this. You're hiding, naked, in a refrigerator..."

--x--

A computer programmer happens across a frog in the road. The frog pipes up, "I'm really a beautiful princess and if you kiss me, I'll stay with you for a week". The programmer shrugs his shoulders and puts the frog in his pocket.

A few minutes later, the frog says "OK, OK, if you kiss me, I'll give you great sex for a week". The programmer nods and puts the frog back in his pocket.

A few minutes later, "Turn me back into a princess and I'll give you great sex for a whole year!". The programmer smiles and walks on.

Finally, the frog says, "What's wrong with you? I've promised you great sex for a year from a beautiful princess and you won't even kiss a frog?"

"I'm a programmer," he replies. "I don't have time for sex.... But a talking frog is pretty neat."

--x--

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.
Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.
Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.
Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.
Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could. :D

--x--

Tech Support for Husband 1.0

To: Tech Support

To whom it may concern,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software; severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4, and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!!!

Signed, Jane

To: Jane, RE Husband 1.0

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.

Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6. I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Sincerely,
Tech Support

--x--

Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

:D

--x--

Computer Diagnosis

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

--x--

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says he doesn't sell beer to pieces of string. The piece of strings walks home and ties himself into a knot and frays the ends of it self, walks back to the bar and orders a beer again. The bartender : aren't you the same piece of string that just ordered a beer? String : No I'm afraid knot

--x--

A South Texas cowboy was herding his cattle in a
remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new

BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci

shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans

out the window and asks the cowboy,

"If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves
you have in your herd,will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie,
then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and

calmly answers, "Sure! Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell

notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell

phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet,

where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation

system to get an exact fix on his location which

he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans

the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in
Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image

processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within

seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot

that the image has been processed and the data

stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database

through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet

with email on his Blackberry and, after a few

minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report

on his hi-tech,miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have

exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of
my calves," says the cowboy.


He watches the young man select one of the
animals and looks on amused as the young man

stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I
can tell you exactly what your business is, will

you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and
then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant for the National Democratic
Party." says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how
did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.

"You showed up here even though nobody called

you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't
know anything about my business........

..............Now give me back my dog."

--x--

Why We Split-Up

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit
drinking.

Then I caught her spending:
a.. $65.00 on make-up,
b.. $150 for a cut & color,
c.. $30 for a manicure,
d.. $40 for a pedicure,
e.. $50 on vitamins,
f.. $300 on clothes
g.. and $600 for a gym membership.

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her. She said she
needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

--x--

Alrighty, here's a bit cleaner one:

A man walking along a beach chances upon a genie in a lamp. After rubbing the lamp and summoning the genie, he is informed that the genie will grant him 3 wishes, but everything he wishes for will be granted, in double, to every lawyer in the world.

Wish 1: The man wishes for a nice, red sports car. He gets it, and every lawyer in the world gets two.

Wish 2: The man wishes for a billion dollars. He gets it, and every lawyer gets two billion.

Wish 3: The man says, "Well, I always wanted to donate a kidney."

--x--

[Nicholas Steel]

--x--

ah, more jokes for you guyz :) nicked em from http://forums.tweakguides.com/showthread.php?t=1966

--x--

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?" The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-caf&#233;. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

"You got Male!"

--x--

Why Men Have Better Friends ?

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

--x--

[Prrkitty]

New Supermarket Complete With Sounds-N-Smells:

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Darth Marsden]

Ach! We've started repeating jokes!

Three men are sentanced to a 5 year sentance in jail, but during the trial both men show themselves to be deeply sorry and regretful for their crimes, so the judge decides that they may have one item with them.

The first man asks for a telephone, and the judge agrees. The second man decides he wants a really hot woman with him, and the judge duly agrees. The third man asks for 5 years worth of cigarettes, and again the judge gives it the nod.

5 years later, and the three men are rich. The first man announces he's a millionaire, having set uyp a company over the phone. The second man announces trhat he's a father, and he and the woman duly produce a trio of children. The third man crawls out of his cell, pale as a sheet and trembling like a leaf, and asks 'Does anyone havea light?'

[Prrkitty]

Darthy... did I re-post a joke? I tried to see if it had been posted before and couldn't find it. Sorry...

[Darth Marsden]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of
fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
I demand you not only spank yourself in punishment, but that I be there to watch.

-X-

Dear Sir or Madam,

I wish to file a complaint against two of your plumbers who, in my opinion, exhibited gross professional negligence and blatant disrespect while in my apartment to repair a clogged toilet. Though the employees refused to give their full names, I recall one being a short, pudgy man in red overalls, and the other tall and lanky in green overalls. Both had thick moustaches, and the short one, possibly a recuperating stroke victim, repeatedly shouted the name of your company in a high-pitched Italian accent.

I led the two gentlemen into the bathroom, explained the problem, told them I would be in the living room if they had any questions, and left them to their work. When I returned around half an hour later, however, I discovered the short one sitting cross-legged on the tile floor popping psychotropic mushrooms from a Ziploc bag, and the tall one—apparently tripping already—attempting to squeeze himself down my toilet and incoherently rambling something about getting to the "Mushroom Kingdom"—a place he appeared to already be in.

I went to the kitchen and began to call their supervisor. As I dialed, I heard a loud crash from my bedroom. I hung up the phone and ran over to discover the two had found their way in from the bathroom, and that the tall one had thrown my change jar to the ground and was scooping the coins up for, as he explained, "an extra life." Meanwhile, the short one was biting the heads off my girlfriend Christy's orchids. When I ran over to stop him, he warned me he now possessed the ability to shoot orbs of fire from his mouth.

At this point, I was more concerned over the two men's health, as well as the safety of my apartment. When I suggested calling an ambulance they began to panic. The tall one, under the delusion he could demolish brick walls with the top of his skull, ran headfirst into my bedroom wall, knocking himself unconscious. Then the short one jumped in the air, grabbed the lighting fixture above, ripped it from the ceiling and, screaming about his newfound "invincibility," leaped through my second-story window. Miraculously, he survived this fall, and continued to run down Union Ave. grasping my bedroom light and trying to squash every pigeon on the sidewalk he passed.

[Darth Marsden]

Duplicate post, sorry.

[Prrkitty]

Apparently I didn't go back far enough... I'll make sure you're invited ;)

[ShadowTiger]

In Response to Darth's Latest (http://www.armageddongames.net/forums/showpost.php?p=1115930&postcount=193), PBF Comics's own Latest (http://pbfcomics.com/archive/PBF213-Mario_Too.jpg).

[Prrkitty]

The Poodle...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving Canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts... age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

[Prrkitty]

Joke: Rednecks and elevators...

A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my whole life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year-old blonde woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, "Boy... go git 'cher Ma!"

[ShadowTiger]

They aren't all blonde either........

I walked into a Blimpie's with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a sandwich. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free". "They're already buy-one-get-one-free", she said, "so I guess they're both free". She handed me my free sandwiches and I walked out the door.

They walk among us and many work retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"

They Walk among us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want t! he sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."

They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."

They Walk Among Us!

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving."

They Walk Among Us!

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.

They Walk Among Us!

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head ?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.

They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"

They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces." Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They walk among us, AND they reproduce!

[ShadowTiger]

Apologies for the triple post I am about to make.



An Irishman is walking along the beach one day, and he sees a bottle laying in the sand. He picks it up and starts to brush it off, and out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since you have freed me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "I'm feeling a might thirsty, I think I'll be wishing for a pint of stout." POOF! There is a pint of stout in his hand. He drinks it down, and starts to throw the bottle, when the genie says, "I'd look at that bottle again before I threw it if I were you." So he looks at the bottle, and it is magically filling back up with stout. The genie told him, "That is a magic bottle, and it will always fill back up after you finish it." The genie then asked, "What other two wishes can I grant for you?"

The Irishman looks at the bottle in his hand and says, "I'll be taking two more of these!"
================================================== ==========

Two Irishmen were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp.

Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guiness!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into a frothy, dark vat of the finest Guiness ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guiness on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going idiot! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"
================================================== =============

It is the Olympic men's figure skating. Out comes the Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without any great artistic feel for the music.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0

Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying performance.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0

Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose which starts bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding mess.

The Judges' scores read: Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0

The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison, "How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"

To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's damn slippery out there."

================================================== ==============

"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your trousers?"

"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"

================================================== ========

A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere, tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web, nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same room in very nearly the same condition.

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones, "Scottish."

The second man replied, "Irish."

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In another couple of days they were at it again. Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to cough out, " Glasgow ."

Paddy whispered back, " Dublin ."

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue. "Cancer", said Jim.

"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.

================================================== =============

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.



Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!"

================================================== ==================

Two Englishmen are walking through the woods with a large Salmon under each arm when they met two Irishmen, Michael and Donal.

"Hey there's some wonderful salmon, where did you get them?"

"Don't tell anyone," replied the Englishmen, "but we poached them out of the river."

"How did you do that?" asked Donal

"Well, Fred here dangles over the bridge, I hang on to his legs and when the salmon leap out of the water on their way upstream, he just catches them."

"We'll try that Michael me boy." says Donal

They get to the bridge and Donal hangs Michael over the edge of the bridge by his legs, after about twenty minutes Michael screams...

"Quick pull me up, pull me up!"

"Have you got a salmon?" asks Donal,

"No," replies Michael "but there's a train coming."

================================================== =============

Pat was lying on his deathbed, moaning and carrying on. "Mike," he says, "I know I'm a goner."

"Oh, Paddy, have faith, ye still have years ahead of yuh."

"No, Mick, I'm finished an' you've been such a great friend, there's one thing I'd like yuh to do when I'm gone."

"Ahh, Paddy, I'll do anything you ask, I swear it to the Saints and the Holy Mother."

"Well, dear friend, I have been saving a jug of fine whiskey that my brother sent me from Cashel some eight years ago, and I would like you to pour it on me grave when I'm buried."

Mike sits silently for a long time and Pat asks again, "Will you do that for yer oldest friend, Mike?"

Mike draws a big breath and says, "Ye know I will Paddy, but would ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?"

[ShadowTiger]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what's happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body. "Englishman, 60, died of heart failure while on a roller coaster. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." "Nothing unusual here", thinks the DI, and asks to be shown the last body.

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector. To which the coroner replies, "He thought he was having his picture taken."

================================================== ============

An Irishman moved to the United States and was anxious to attend his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batters box, took a few practice swings, and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "run, run!" The next batter hit a single and the Irishman listened as the crowd again screamed "run, run!" The Irishman enjoyed the game very much and soon found himself screaming with the fans. The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "Walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base. The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Run, ye fool, run!" The people around him began to laugh. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down. A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment and leaned over to explain, "He can't run, he's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, laddie, walk with pride."

================================================== ==============

Tim Kelly was walking through a dim passageway when someone spoke to him. "Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old friend Grogan any more?"

Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch. "Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump from the trestle?"

"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the livin' bejazus outa me."

"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't ye nothin' in your own hand?"

"Only Mrs. Murphy's tit," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but not worth a dam in a fight."

================================================== =================

Q: What do you call an Irish queer?

A: A man who prefers women over Guinness.

================================================== ================

Q: How many Irishmen does it take to replace a lightbulb?

A: Two--one to hold the lightbulb and the other to drink until the room spins.

================================================== ==================

Q: What do you call two full beers occupying both hands of a person?

A: Irish handcuffs.

================================================== ================

Danny McGuire came home from work to find his lovely bride sitting in the living room still in her bath robe. "Kate my wife" he says "what ever is the matter, yer still in yer robe."

"Ah Danny," says she, "tis poorly I'm feeling. I didn't know what to do so I called Doc McDonald. 'I'll need a specimen', he says and hung up. Danny, I don't know what a specimen is."

"Ah lass I don't know either, but if you'll walk yerself up the stairs to Mrs. Murphy she'll be able to tell ye."

Off goes Kate bounding up the stairs. Soon Danny hears a horrible thump, bang and a hell of a crash. Opening his door, he sees Kate piled up at the bottom of the landing. "Kate, what ever happened?"

"I tol' Mrs Murphy what the doc said and she told me to just piss in a bottle. So I told her to shit in her hat . . . and the fight was on."

================================================== ===============

Sean got home in the early hours of the morning after a night at the local pub. He made such a racket hitting into the furniture as he weaved his way through the house, that he woke up the missus.

"What on earth are you doing down there?" she yelled down from the bedroom. "Get yourself up here to bed and don't wake up the neighbors!"

"I'm trying to get a barrel of Guinness up the stairs," he shouted. "Leave it 'till the morning," she shouted down.

"I can't," he said, "I drank it."

================================================== ==============

Paddy was going for his morning walk one day when he walked past Sean's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale."

This confused Paddy because he knew that Sean didn't own a boat, so he finally decided to go in and ask Sean about it.

"Hey Sean," said Paddy, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says 'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is your old John Deere tractor and combine."

Sean calmly replied, "Yup, and they're boat for sale!"

================================================== ==============

One fine day in Ireland , a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him.

"Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy. Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes." The man says, "I can't take any-thing from you, I'm just glad I didn't hurt you too badly," and walks away.

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball, he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?" The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time." The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. Might I ask how your money is holding out?"

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill." The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you, too. And might I ask how your sex life is?"

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once or twice a week." The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Once or twice a week? Is that all?!" The golfer looks at him and says, "Well, that's not too bad for a horny priest in a small parish!"

================================================== ========

Paddy and Mary, being good Irish Catholics, had so many children that they didn't know what to do. Paddy says to Mary, "Sure, and we have to get some advice from the parish priest. We can't keep on with anymore children."

So they went to see the priest, and the priest says to Paddy, "Now, me boyo, you know the church only allows two ways to limit the wee ones. One is to abstain altogether, and the other is the rhythm."

Paddy scratches his head and says: "Well, now, Father, how in the hell am I going to find a couple of bagpipers at 4 o'clock in the morning?"

================================================== ========

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. Father asks, "So what's bothering you, dear?"

She replies, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "Aye, that he did, Father."

The priest asked, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put that damn gun down'!"

================================================== =========

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren't mine."

His second friend says, "I think my wife is having sex with the plumber. The other day I found a pipe-wrench under the bed and it wasn't mine."

Paddy says, "I think my wife is having sex with a horse."

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

"I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed."

================================================== =========================

An Irishman went to see the doctor with a hole in his earlobe and blisters all over his feet. The doctor asked, "What happened, Paddy?"

Paddy replied, "I was opening a Christmas pudding, and on the packet it said: 'pierce here and stand in boiling water'."

================================================== =========================

An Irish woman goes to her solicitor to ask about getting a divorce. The solicitor asks, "Does he beat you?" "No, sorr."

"Does he keep you short of money?" "No, sorr."

"Is he a perpetual drunkard?" "No, sorr."

"Is he unfaithful to you?"

"Ah, we've got him there, sorr. He was not the father of me last child."

================================================== =========================

The Dublin police were given orders to clean up the neighborhood. That night a drunk staggered towards a constable and said: "Excuse me offisher, what time is it?" The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.

"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"

================================================== ===========================

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor.

"Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin!"

"Not to fret," replied the doctor. "Give him an Irish Viagra."

"What's an Irish Viagra, Doctor?"

That's where you just drop the Viagra into his morning coffee. He won't even taste it," replied the doctor."Give it a try, and call me in a week to let me know how things went."

It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor,who directly inquired as to the progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid, just terrible, doc!"

"Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.

"Well, I did as you advised me to do and slipped the Viagra into his morning coffee and it took effect immediately. He

jumped hisself straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth a flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there, making wild, mad, passionate love to me right on the tabletop!

T'was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"

"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband gave you wasn't any good?"

"Oh, no, no, no, doctor, the sex was fine indeed! T'was the best sex I've had in twenty-five years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"

================================================== ========

One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight.

However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Murphy's pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents.

The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents.

"Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I've got in me shoe!"

================================================== ==========

An Irish fella won big on the national lottery. He phoned the head office and asked when his winnings would arrive. They told him it would be at least three weeks before they could get the cheque out to him.

"Three weeks!" exclaimed the Irish fellow

"Oh, to hell with that, give me my pound back!"

================================================== ===============

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?" Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "Sure and what d'ye mean by that?" Pat said, "It's like this, y'see, I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another, it was neither of us."

[Darth Marsden]

Over 200 posts!

This is a story about 4 people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody... There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it but Nobody did. Somebody got angry about this because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done!

[Prrkitty]

Drinking buddies Ole and Sven...
-------------------------------

Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I've hear you can drink dat yet fuel an get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat yet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Milvaukee"

[Prrkitty]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the two men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."

[Prrkitty]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind!

Two, you didn't read your homework!

And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed!"

[Prrkitty]

Billy Bob's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are just fine."

"After all this time," she says, "Do they have names?" "Yes, ma'am, the doctor says, "Your brother came in and named them."

The women thinks to herself, " Oh no, not my brother.... he's an idiot!" Expecting the worse, she asks the doctor, "Well, what did he name them?"

"The girl is Denise," says the doctor.

The new mother says, "Wow, that's a beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise."

Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies "Denephew".

[Prrkitty]

Warning... An XXX Story: The Voodoo Penis.
----------------------------------------------------------
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop & explained his situation.

The man there said, "Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... the Voodoo Penis!"

The husband said "The what"?

The man repeated " The Voodoo Penis" and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.

The husband laughed, and said, "It looks like a dildo!"

The man then pointed to the door and said, "Voodoo Penis, door !" The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" and the penis stopped & returned to the box.

The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, and after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch". The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital.

On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.

He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.

Gasping and twitching, the woman said "I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me..."

The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, "Yeah right... Voodoo Penis, my ass...!"

The rest, as they say, is history...

[Darth Marsden]

Are you reading the same book as me?

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says 'You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores.'
A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.
When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. 'Where's the bacon, eggs and milk?' asks the little boy. His mother replies 'I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!'
Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks 'Do you want to tell him, or should I?'

-X-

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says 'Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.'
The man says 'Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.'
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues 'Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.'
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues 'Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.'
Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

-X-

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said 'I'll be 16 tomorrow.'
'I know' said the butcher with a smile, 'I've been counting too. Tell your mother when you take this parcel of meat home that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face.'
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said 'Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!'

-X-

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It was getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most? What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty, say two Hail Marys!

[Prrkitty]

I'm not reading a book. Usually what I post is from an email that I've received from someone. :)

[Prrkitty]

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, told him that he would now need to enter a password. Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in

P
E
N
I
S

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[ShadowTiger]

Two weeks?! Aww geez...

Three Eastern European Jews named Berel, Cherel, and Ferel were talking about moving to the United States.

Berel says, "When I move to America, I'm going to have to change my name. They won't call me Berel anymore; they'll call me Buck."

Cherel says, "When I move to America, I'll also have to change my name. They'll call me Chuck."

So Ferel says, "I'm not moving."

================================================== =====
================================================== ====

A Jewish immigrant with Polish ancestry went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. He had to first take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish Jew replied. "I know the guy!"

================================================== ==
================================================== ====

One day a group of scientists got together and decided that man had come a long way and no longer needed God. So they picked one scientist to go and tell Him that they were done with Him.

The scientist walked up to God and said, "God, we've decided that we no longer need you. We're at the point where we can clone people and do a number of miraculous things, so thanks for everything, but we can take over from here."

God listened very patiently. After the scientist was done talking, God said, "Very well, how about this? Let's say we have a man-making contest." To which the scientist replied, "Okay, great!"

But God added, "Now, we're going to do this just like I did back in the old days with Adam."

The scientist said, "Sure, no problem" and bent down and grabbed himself a handful of dirt.

God looked at him and said, "No, no, no. You go get your own dirt!"

================================================== ====
================================================== ====

[Darth Marsden]

Sorry, I've been busy with other stuff. Like trying to get people to help out with my novel... (http://www.armageddongames.net/forums/showthread.php?t=96949)

[/Plug]

A man is talking to his best friend about married life. 'You know I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that little bit of doubt.'
His friend says 'Yeah, I know what you mean.'
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. 'While I'm away, could you do me a favor?' he asks. 'Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that little bit of doubt.'
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
'So... did anything happen?'
'I have some bad news for you' says the friend. 'The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.'
'Then what happened?' says the man.
'I don't know. It was too dark to see.'
'Dammit! Y'see what I mean? There's always that little bit of doubt.'

-X-

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
'We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation' she said. 'Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?'
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said 'Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?'

-X-

(This one is my favorite)

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse. Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself 'Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.'
The second man married a telephone operator. Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself 'Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.'
The third man married a school teacher. Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself 'Poor sod. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.'
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
'Sir, what happened?' asked Jeff. 'I mean... you married a nurse.'
'Son, don't ever marry a nurse' the man sourly replied. 'All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'.'
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
'What happened?' Jeff asked with surprise. 'Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.'
'Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator' the man groaned. 'All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'.'
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast. Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
'Good lord sir, what happened to you?' Jeff asked, fearing the worst. 'Did you have a fight?'
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied 'No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right'.'

[moocow]

Be careful what you say. . .

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion,
multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron
wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to
you?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my
wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our
golf balls into a field of cattle.


We went to look for them and while I was looking
around I noticed one of the cows had something white
at its rear end."


"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough,
there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it -
stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny.


Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!'"

"I don't remember much after that "

[Prrkitty]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me... I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said turn around!"

[Darth Marsden]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
'My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down.' The other two dogs nodded sympathetically, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
'A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the lounge room, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep.' The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
'My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life.' The other dogs tut-tutted.
'So you're here to be put down too?' one asked. The Shepard shook his head.
'No, just to get my nails clipped.'

-X-

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.
The first said 'I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.'
The second woman said 'My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.#
The third woman was silent until she was asked 'Tell us about your husband.'
She thought for a moment and said 'My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.'
'How so?'
'He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.'

-X-

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
'Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband'
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
'Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.'

[Prrkitty]

TO: GOD FROM THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying "hello".

8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

[Majora]

Hopefully this one hasn't been mentioned:

A White person, a black person, and a Mexican are in a boat in the ocean. The boat is sinking because there is too much weight.
It's not a rowboat, it's one of those small fishing boats.
Anyway, as the boat sinks, the black person starts throwing off Hamburgers and says:

"We have too many of these in my country"

The Mexican starts throwing off his stash of Taco's and says:

"We have too many of these in my country"

The White person throws of the Mexican and says:

"We have too many of these in my country."

I am Mexican, so relax, I can get away with it because A) I'm not offending Black people (at least i hope not) B) I didn't really offend white people, and C) the last part of the joke doesn't offend me. :) (But then there will ALWAYS be the uppity, over-exaggerated, dee dee dee that will take this on the most personal level possible. :scared::glare::disgust:

More if I can think of some.

[Darth Marsden]

No need to explain yourself, nobody takes these things seriously. And if they do... eh, fuck 'em.

Bedroom Golf

* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before may begin.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.

-X-

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says 'There really is no justice in this world.'
The other little old lady says 'What do you mean?'
The first little old lady says 'Look at that.'
'When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.'
'When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.'
'When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.'
'When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.'
'When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.'
'When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.'
'When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.'
'And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!'

-X-

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned. 'What on earth happened to you? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!'
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak. 'Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant money!'

-X-

A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said 'Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.' The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: 'Well, doc, it's like this: First I tried with my right hand, but, nothing. Then I tried with-my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She - tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She - even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth-out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and-she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.'
The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied 'Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the DAMN jar open!'

[ShadowTiger]

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her: "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. She's such a bitch.......



Sadly, we can all sympathize with her. =/

[ShadowTiger]

Children's Science Exam Answers

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to
flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g.,abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: Whatdoes "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word " benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

[Prrkitty]

5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT LESSONS

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel. After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129 It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "they're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[ShadowTiger]

Heh. Those were some great variations on the classic. Ne'er heard them before. Thanks Prr. :highfive: :ooh:


Here's something interesting (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NW0a3HdY1E).

[Prrkitty]

The World's Shortest Fairytale

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" The guy said "No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, drank martinis with friends, always had a clean house, never had to cook, had a closet full of shoes and handbags, stayed skinny, and was never farted on.

The End

[Prrkitty]

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:

(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....

(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

[ShadowTiger]

lol Prr, you're too awesome. Thanks for all the content. :)

[ In Regards To Hillary Clinton (http://www.crooksandliars.com/Media/Play/17262/1/THHNH-OxyClintonwmv/) | Pirates Of The Caribbean Cereal (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4tdyKDwizdU&mode=related&search=) | A Funny Karate Master (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwB4vYTr23g&NR=1) | Magic Flute And Chair (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=10hY_xPJw8Y&mode=related&search=) | Living Breathing Shadow (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cPQ04RV1Sk&mode=related&search=) | Things to Do With Your Nose (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UZPgv5bmGvo&mode=related&search=) | Microwave Of Doom (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NYLNdXpI8RU&mode=related&search=) ]


A cocky highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road that could go through his farmland.'

Pointing, the old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Highways employee said, 'I have the authority of the Government to go where I want.

See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land.'

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madderThan a nest full of hornets and was gaining on the employee at every step.

The old farmer called out, 'Show him your card!!'

[ShadowTiger]

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town.

Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy. "I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25.





This one's probably a repeat, though I don't recognize the first one.

I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She gave me back $46.64. I gave the money back to her
and told her that she had made a mistake in MY favor. She became indignant and informed me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and returned the money again. I gave her the money back again...same scenario! I departed the store with the $46.64. This actually happened in Austin at MoPac Boulevard and Parmer Lane


They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

I walked into a Starbucks with a buy-one-get-one-free coupon for a Grande Latte. I handed it to the girl and she looked over at a little chalkboard that said "buy one-get one free." "They're already buy-one-get-one-free," she said, "so I guess they're both free" She handed me my free Lattes and I walked out the door.


They Walk Among Us and Many Work Retail.

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when one of them shouted, "Look at that dead bird!" Someone looked up at the sky and said, "Where?"


They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, "Oh I don't keep up with that stuff."


They Walk Among Us!!

I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific."


They Walk Among Us!

My sister ha s a lifesaving tool in her car designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk.

They Walk Among Us!

My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10&#37;. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount.


They Walk Among Us!

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area, so I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, has your plane arrived yet?"


They Walk Among Us!

While working at a pizza parlor I obs erved a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces."


Yep, They Walk Among Us!

They Walk Among Us, AND they reproduce, and WORST OF ALL...............they VOTE!

[moocow]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section
called the "Style Invitational".

This week, the requirements were to use the two words 'Lewinsky' (the Intern) and 'Kaczynski' (the Unabomber) in
the same limerick.
The following winning entries were actually printed verbatim in the newspaper, no bleeps or XXXs:

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On this flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
"We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

And the winning entry:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known,
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter,
When deciding how best to be blown.

[biggiy05]

For his birthday, little Joe asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father
said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is
$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford
it." The next day the father saw little Joe heading out the front door
with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Joe
told him, "I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling
Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she
was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
$280,000 mortgage & no bike!

[ShadowTiger]

Here's a lame joke for yeh'all.



Does this remind you of anybody that you know...


A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband,
although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. "I'm going to the
bar, Pretty Face," he answered. I'm going to have a beer."

The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to
the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12
different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan ,
India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could
think of saying was, "Yes, Lollipop... but at the bar... You know...
they have frozen glasses... "

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted
him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer
mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding
it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at
the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be
long. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?"

"You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and
took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in
blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

"But my sweet honey... at the bar.... you know there's swearing,
dirty words and all that..."

"You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS
DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT
YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR!
THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?"

and...they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story?








---

The jPhone (http://www.aish.com/movies/jphone.asp)

---

[ShadowTiger]

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is,
you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?"

[Ich]

Heard this one in Germany; thought you guys might get a kick out of it:

A son comes home after curfew. The father says "Son, it's 1:30. You were supposed to have been home by 11. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"I'm sorry, dad, but tonight I lost my virginity."

The father's mood changes. "So! My son is finally a man. Go to the fridge and grab two beers, and come can sit down and tell me about it."

"Uh, thanks for the beer, dad, but I'd rather not sit."

[ShadowTiger]

Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist Leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"









----



EDIT: How the hell was it only four days since I last posted this. It feels like it's been a week and a half, at least. Wow. But anyway. I'll post these, then I'll double post or something. I hate to do that, so...




Actual call center conversations!

Customer: "I've been calling 700-1000 for two days and can't get through; can you help?"
Operator: "Where did you get that number, sir?"
Customer: "It's on the door of your business."
Operator: "Sir, those are the hours that we are open."
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking a bout."
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think it means the telephone plug on the wall."
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Caller: (Inquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe.)
"If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Directory inquiries:
Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please"
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland "
----------------------------------------------------------------------
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer: "OK."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wr ote 'click'."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Tech Support: "OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow! How can you see my screen from there?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialog of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, an d all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "The re isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "OK. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Well, it' s not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff that your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!!!"

[phattonez]

Who knew that you could actually get a joke from a book. Thank you Samuel Shem.

From The House of God, "How does a Mexican know when he's hungry? His asshole stops burning."

I always get that feeling after Chipotle.

[Prrkitty]

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban Sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA Page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing was required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows.. this is a herd of sheep. NOW GIVE ME BACK MY HERD DOG!!"

[Prrkitty]

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one .. 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'

'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.'

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't h ave time to get you anything.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college. Throughout the years your mother and I loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're all bastards?'

'Yep,' said the father. 'And cheap ones too.'

[ShadowTiger]

Dear Abby.
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me . He doesn't even defend my reputation when people suggest I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
~Clueless

Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States... Act like one!

--------

A man started to tell a joke at a party:

"Mandelbaum and Rosenstein were talking one day..."

Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"

So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."

--------

There was a rabbi whose wife was expecting a baby. The Rabbi went to the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that when the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After five or six children, this started to get expensive. The congregation decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the Rabbi's pay situation. As you can imagine, there was much yelling and bickering.

Finally, the rabbi got up and spoke to his flock. "Having children is an act of G-D!" shouted the Rabbi.

In the back of the sanctuary, a little man with full white beard and yarmulka rose and shouted in his frail voice, "Point of information. Snowing and raining are also acts of G-D. But, we wear rubbers!"

------------

A man asks his wife, "What would you most like for your birthday?"
She answers, "I'd love to be ten again."
So on the morning of her birthday, he gets her up bright and early and off they go to the local Theme Park. What a day! He puts her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear...everything there is! Wow!
She staggers out of the Theme Park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right into McDonald's they go, and her husband orders a Double Big Mac for her along with extra fries and a refreshing strawberry shake. Then off to a movie... it's the latest Star Wars epic, and hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & Ms. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbles home with her husband and collapses into bed.
He leans over lovingly and asks, "Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?"
One eye opens and she groans, "Schmuck, I meant dress size."


-----------


An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven; there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Don't touch," she said, "they're for the shiva (post-funeral reception)."

----------------


Goldblatt was showing off. He told his friend, "I bought a hearing aid yesterday. It cost me two thousand bucks, but it is state of the art."


"What kind is it?" his friend asked.


"A quarter to twelve," was the answer.

----------------



Isaac Fleaglebaum's attorneys handled a jury trial in a tough business case. The client was out of town when the jury came back with its decision.

The lead lawyer, a youngish-lawyer with a flair for prose, immediately emailed a note to his client saying "JUSTICE TRIUMPHED." Mr. Fleaglebaum replied, "APPEAL AT ONCE."


----------------


You can never have too many Henny Youngman Jokes

Airline Jokes:

Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York , send one to Los Angeles , and send one to Miami ." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"


----------------


I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.


----------------


The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"


----------------


Doctor Jokes:

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

----------------


My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"

----------------



The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"

----------------


The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60!" "I AM 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

----------------


A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

----------------


The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"

----------------


The doctor says to the patient, "Take your clothes off and stick your tongue out the window". "What will that do" asks the patient. The doctor says "I'm mad at my neighbor!"

----------------


A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

----------------


"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"

----------------


Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."

----------------


A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"

----------------


A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

----------------


"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

----------------


Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

----------------


I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!

----------------


Drunk Jokes:

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

----------------


Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

----------------


Golf Jokes:

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

----------------


I was playing golf. I swung, missed the ball, and got a big chunk of dirt. I swung again, missed the ball, and got another big chunk of dirt. Just then, 2 ants climbed on the ball saying "Let's get up here before we get killed!"

----------------


Hollywood Jokes:

Hollywood called me, asking me "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back "How about $20,000?" I said "I'll pay it!"

----------------


Farrah's dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

----------------


I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

----------------


Homeless Guys Jokes:

A bum asked me "Give me $10 till payday." I asked "When's payday?" He said "I don't know, you're the one who is working!"

----------------


A bum came up to me saying "I haven't eaten in two days!" I said, "You should force yourself!"

----------------


Another bum told me "I haven't tasted food all week." I told him "Don't worry, it still tastes the same!"

----------------


Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil !"

----------------


I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

----------------


Horse Race Jokes:

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

----------------


The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

----------------


My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

----------------



----------------

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...

----------------


Hotel Jokes:

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

----------------


There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

----------------


I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

----------------


This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

----------------


My room is so small, the mice are hunchbacked.

----------------


The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

----------------


Insults:

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

----------------


Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

----------------


You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

----------------


If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

----------------


She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

----------------


She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

----------------


You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

----------------


You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

----------------


You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

----------------


The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

----------------


Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?

----------------


Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

----------------


Introductions:

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

----------------


Now, the band that inspired that great saying "Stop The Music!!"

----------------


Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

----------------


She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

----------------


This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

----------------


He is the only man I ever met with a seersucker face.

----------------


She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her, she says "Tut, Tut!"

----------------


His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

----------------


This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno , he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

----------------




Italian Jokes:

A bomb fell on Italy . It slid off!

----------------


During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland .

----------------


Why does the New Italian navy have glass bottom boats? To see the Old Italian Navy!

----------------


Jewish Jokes:

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

----------------


A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

----------------


Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

----------------


Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

----------------


Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

----------------


I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

----------------


A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

----------------


2 Jewish women in New York , one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland ?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

----------------


Job Jokes:

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

----------------


I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

----------------


Longer Jokes:

A priest is sent to Alaska . A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks "How do you like it up here?" The priest says "If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini?" "Yes." "Rosary, get the bishop a martini!"

----------------


A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington . The bride is concerned "What if the place is still bugged?" The groom says "I'll look for a bug". He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, under the rug "AHA!" Under the rug was a disc with four screws. He gets his swiss army knife, unscrews the screws, throws them and the disc out the window. The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds "How was your room?", "How was the service?", "How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?" The groom says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?" The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them!"

----------------


A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

----------------


A man goes to a barbershop and asks "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back tomorrow, and asks, "How many ahead of me." "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

----------------


A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?"

----------------


A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."

----------------


A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered "Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz." The man says, "Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "I'm sorry, he's on vacation." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's on a big case, not available for a week." "Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "He's playing golf today." "Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz." "Speaking."

----------------


A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says "Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away." The next day, the man says, "Did you do what I told you to?" "Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!"

----------------


In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

----------------


A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says "He had a hat!"

----------------


An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3 day pass. The Co says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3 day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!" So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank! The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?" "Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier "Do you want to get a 3 day pass?" So we exchanged tanks!

----------------


A little man is running a Jewelry store. A man runs in saying "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says "C-C-C-Come in?"

----------------


A person asked me "How do you prepare for the stage?" I told her "Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles..."


----------------

Polish Jokes:

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

----------------


Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

----------------


Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

----------------


A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!


----------------

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!


----------------

Two Polish men at Halloween with burned faces. What happened? They were bobbing for french fries.

----------------


A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

----------------


How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

----------------


Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

----------------


A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

----------------


A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

----------------


A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

----------------


Relative Jokes:

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

----------------


My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

----------------


My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

----------------


I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

----------------


My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

----------------


My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo .

----------------


My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go "Crick".

----------------


My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

----------------


Smart Guy Jokes:

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

----------------


Wife Jokes:

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single…."

----------------


Take my wife, please!

----------------


I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

----------------


I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

----------------


My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

----------------


Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

----------------


I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

----------------


I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"

----------------


We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

----------------


My wife has a black belt in shopping.

----------------


My wife will buy anything marked down. Last year she bought an escalator.

----------------


All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

----------------


She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down! So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

----------------


My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

----------------


My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

----------------


My wife drives the wrong way on a one way street. The cop pulled her over and asked, "Where are you going?" My wife said, "I must be late, everyone is all coming back!"

----------------


My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was, and she told me it was in the lake.

----------------


My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea .

----------------


My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

----------------


She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

----------------


She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

----------------


She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

----------------


I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

----------------


Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

----------------


I came home, the car was in the dining room. "How did you get the car in here?" "Easy, I took a left at the kitchen."

----------------


Uncategorized Jokes:

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

----------------


If I had blood, I'd blush.

----------------


A tough guy told me "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

----------------


I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed Dolly Parton was my mother and I was a bottle baby.

----------------


I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.

----------------


I just finished my income tax forms. Who says you can't get wounded by a blank?

[Prrkitty]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws:

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[Prrkitty]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the hell is this?!?!", he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder... it's 'Miracle Grow."

[Pineconn]

What is the least-used part of AGN?

...The registration form.

1
Not a joke, but still funny. It's off of Home Improvement.

What is your favorite aspect of gardening?

Well, I like to get down and dirty with my hoe.

[Darth Marsden]

What is the least-used part of AGN?

...The registration form.
Actually, I'd have said it was this one (http://www.armageddongames.net/forums/showthread.php?t=98787).

[ShadowTiger]

Blondes are back!
Did you hear about the two blondes who froze to death in a drive-in movie?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

***************
Why did the blonde resolve to have only 3 children?
She heard that one out of every four children born in the world was Chinese.

***************

Did you hear about the near-tragedy at the mall?
There was a power outage, and twelve blondes were stuck on the escalators for over four hours.

*****************

A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.

He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe r! eally hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.

The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."

****************

A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering the right eye.

The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag with a
hole to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

As he did so, he noticed the! blon de had tears streaming down her face.

"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting glasses."

"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."

****************

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, "That's ! a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold."

"Wow, said the blonde, "that's amazing. I'm going to buy it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. "What do you have there?" he asked.

"Why, that's a thermos . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.

Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?"

The blond replied, "Two Popsicles, and some coffee".


***************

A man entered the ! bus w ith both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

******************
Saved the Best for Last!

This has to be one of the best blonde jokes around.
This should make all you technologically challenged people feel GOOD:

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife, Susie, something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her a cell phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Susie was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Susie went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment, it was her husband on the other end. "Hi Susie," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Susie replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"

[ShadowTiger]

I'm pretty sure nobody will mind me double posting, at least for the sake that people will actually know that there's additional content now.



Why Guys Can't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them
had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk

Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line . If it is clear, check the clips holding the vacuum tubing onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber. I hope this helps.

Walter

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A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Miami Dade courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents, and he adamantly refused to live with her.

When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Miami Dolphins, whom the boy firmly believes, are not capable of beating anyone.

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Gloria Jokes:

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!"

After a few seconds, Little Gloria stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Gloria?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

**************

Little Gloria watched, fascinated, as her mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" she asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said her mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

What's the matter?" asked Little Gloria. "Giving up?"

***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Charles raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Henry was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Gloria, waving her hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know!
He's in our bathroom!"

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little Gloria how she knew this was so.

Little Gloria said, "Well... every morning, my father gets up, bangs on
the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!"

****************
The math teacher saw that little Gloria wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on her and said, "Gloria! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Gloria quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"

***************
Little Gloria's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture
him."

Little Gloria asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



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Three bearded rabbis, dressed in long black coats, were playing golf. A guy named Mulhaney wanted to play golf and this was the only threesome available.

So, he joined the rabbis and played 18 holes. When they finished, his score was 104. The Rabbis shot 69, 70 and 72.

He said, "How come you guys shoot such good golf?"

The lead rabbi answered, "When you lead a religious life, join and attend the right synagogue, you are rewarded."

Mulhaney, a true lover of golf, thought, "What have I got to lose?" He found a synagogue, converted to Judaism, joined the synagogue, regularly attended services and led a holy life.

About a year later, he again played golf with the three rabbis. He shot a 104 and they shot a 69, 70 and 71. Shocked, he said, "OK, I converted, joined a synagogue, live a religious life and I still shot a 104. What's the deal?"

"What synagogue did you join?" asked the lead rabbi.

"Congregation Beth Shalom," replied Mulhaney.

"You schmuck! That one is for tennis!"


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Three blondes were all applying for the last available position in the Detective Division. The detective, David, conducting the interview looked at the 3 of them and said, "So ya'll want to be a Gold Shield cop, eh?"

The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a file folder. Sitting back down, he opened it up and withdrew a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars, etc."

So he stuck the photo in the face of the 1st blonde and withdrew it after about 2 seconds. "Now, he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about the man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The 1st blonde hung her head and walked out of the office. The detective then turned to the 2nd blonde, stuck the photo in her face for 2 seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hand and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused, too!"

The 2nd blonde sheepishly walked out of the office. The detective turned his attention to the 3rd and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but......." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying "All right. Did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts... How in the world could you tell that by looking at this picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well duh! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses!"

[biggiy05]

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,
'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman
enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just
love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went
to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to
spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried
on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just
buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a
pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I
was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine,
honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of
the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think
this is all dear, let's go to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I
don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a
baffled, 'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a
while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough
for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me,
I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.... but at least
that bitch knows I'm smarter than her

[Prrkitty]

Boobs vs. Willies
----------------

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes --- dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

[Prrkitty]

Foxy... I hope you don't mind that I post the joke that you sent me this morning :) I'm STILL laughing so hard I can hardly see to type <hug>

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"The Special Diet"

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Andy, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. On impulse for this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again (have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story).

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!!

Wal-Mart won't let me shop there anymore!!!!

[Prrkitty]

Mooie darlin... I dedicate this joke to you and Bladen <giggle> ;)

---------------------------------------------
Why parents drink...

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the ear piece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."

[moocow]

lmao at that last one. Thanks Prr.

I actually did something like this when I was little. A friend of mine and I went to a neighbor's house to play, didn't come home for hours, and our parents had a neighborhood search out looking for us when it got dark. Mommy was maaaaaaaaad. She says Bladen acts just like I did (he's ROTTEN), so it looks like I have a lot to look forward to... lol

[Prrkitty]

I couldn't resist hon... Bladen and you were the VERY first ones I thought of when I was reading that joke.

Ahhh... the trials and tribulations we go thru as... and with... kids :)

[Prrkitty]

A chubby, middle-aged, single guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program to start his New Years resolution. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape..

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, your ass is mine.."

He lost 63 pounds that week.

[Prrkitty]

Lesson: Don't temp nor piss off li'l 'ol ladies :)

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Two Garbage Bags
-----------------------

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Darn!' says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of Lambeau Field. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone s ticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say '$20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!", laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "Some guys think I'm bluffing."