Joke: Example of southern grandmas' true knowledge

[Prrkitty]

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. At that point the judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt."

[ShadowTiger]

It's a Trap!

She's spying on everyone in town. Throw her in jail for malicious gossip and blackmail of court officials!



Heh, .. that was plenty creepy, Prr. ;-p Thanks for the joke.

[ZTC]

wow, lol

That's what you get for living in a small town, there's bound to be somebody that inconceivably knows everything about everybody.

[Darth Marsden]

Very nice. Kinda reminds me of one I heard the other day. How'd it go..?

EDIT: Oh yeah. The Lone Ranger gets captured by Indians and is placed under guard. The chief comes in and tells him that he'll get three last requests before they finally do all sorts of nasty things to him. So the Lone Ranger requests "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The chief grants this request, the Ranger talks to his horse and off it gallops. It's gone for two hours or so before returning with a beatuiful blonde babe on its back. The babe gets off the horse and promptly heads into the tent where the Lone Ranger is being held.

The next morning, the chief asks the Lone Ranger what his second request is. Again, the Ranger asks to speak to his horse, and again the chief grants it. Once he's talked to it, the blonde climbs onto the horse and away it gallops. Again, it's about two hours before it returns, this time with a stunning brunete, even more gorgeous then the blonde, and she promptly goes into the tent and spends the whole night with the Ranger.

The morning comes and the chief asks the Lone Ranger what his final request is. The Ranger asks to speak to his horse, in private. Somewhat curious, the chief agrees and the horse is brought into the tent where the Rnager is kept. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Now you listen carefully, you stupid good-for-nothing piece of crap. Bring POSSE!!!!"

[Prrkitty]

Thanks Darth Marsden... I about spit my swallow of drink onto my monitor!! That was a good one :)

[koopa]

Really funny, both of them. I do like jokes. There have been quite a lot of good jokes lately at AGN, keep them coming ...

[Darth Marsden]

Well, if you insist...

One day a woman is at her job in a sperm bank when a man in a ski mask bursts in with a shotgun. "Open the storage room!" he yells, pointing the shotgun at her. "But this is a sperm bank!" she tells him, but he just shoots the ceiling and repeats the demand, so she leads him to the main storage chamber. Hundreds of sperm samples are kept here in small containers.

The man points the shotgun at the woman again and yells "Drink one!" The woman, terrified, duly goes up, picks up a container of sperm and drinks it. "Another!" yells the man, and she does so. "Another!" he yells again, and so on until the woman has drunk about a pint of sperm. Then the man tears off his mask... it's the woman's boyfriend! Stunned, she watches him put the shotgun down and walk over to her.

"There," he says, "that wasn't so hard, was it?"

I got more if you want 'em...

[Monica]

I have 3:

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight.

Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

Very well, then, says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better." Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished. He stutters, "B-b-but how?! I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact?

How did he do it?" God chuckles, "Everybody knows...Jesus saves."

And:

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.
When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Also:

In a small Texas town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. But one small feature bothered me: the three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never read your Bibles!"

I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and riffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"

:)

[Darth Marsden]

And here's three more.

There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Chineseman all participating in a hot air balloon race. As they passed over Elgland, the Englishman sighed and said "Ah, my lovely England." As they passed over Ireland, the Irishman sighed and said "Ah, my lovely Ireland." The Chinese man, knowing that the race didn't go as far as his home country, threw a plate out of the balloon, pointed to it and sighed "Ah, my lovely China."

-X-

A man had been dating a girl for nearly two years when she accepted his proposal. Everything was perfect for the couple - except for the woman's very hot 22-year old sister. One day the sister asked the man to come over and check the wedding invitations. When he arrived, he found that the two were alone, and that she was wearing next to nothing. Confessing that she wanted to screw him just once before he got married, she went upstairs to her bedroom, whispering "I'll be waiting". The man was shocked when, at the top of the stairs, she took off her top and threw it at him. After she disappeared into her room, the man walked out of the door and headed straight for his car, but before he could get there, he was intercepted by his fiance's father, who hugged him and told him how proud he was. "We couldn't ask for a better son-in-law."

The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in your car.

-X-

A police officer pulls over a car for speeding and asks the driver to see his license. The driver tells him he doesn't have one, since he had it revoked after his fifth DWI. The officer, a little shaken, asks him for the vehicle's registration details. The driver tells him he doesn't have any since he stole the car, but he thinks he saw something in the glove compartment when he stashed his gun in there. The officer is afraid to ask, but does so anyway, and the fdriver explains that he put the gun there after he shot the car's original owner and shoved her body in the trunk.

The officer, shocked and appaled, goes back to his car and radios for backup and the Police Chief. 10 minutes later, a half-dozen cars turn up and surround the driver, and the Police Chief approaches the man to deal with the situation. He asks the driver for his license, and he prompty hands it over. It's perfectly valid. He asks if this is the drivers car, and he says it is - he even presents the registration details to prove it. The Chief asks the man to open the glove box, and he does so. it's empty. He asks the man to open the trunk, and sure enough it's empty as well.

The Chief goes back over to the officer and looks him in the eyes. " You said he had no license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk."

The driver leans out the window. "Yeah, and I'll bet the bastard told you I was speeding as well!"

[Nicholas Steel]

excellent jokes people.