Me:
Yo. 'Sup?
God:
Can I help you? Not much is going on. I was waiting for you.
Me:
Sorry I'm late. I wasn't paying attention.
God:
There is no need to apologize. Do you mean your name is late. Perhaps I misunderstood. What were you?
Me:
My name is God.
God:
I am always glad to make new friends, God.
Me:
Me too.
God:
I'm glad we agree, God.
Me:
God always agrees.
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
I thought you were Jewish?
God:
No I'm christian.
Me:
Oh. Is that fun?
God:
That's alright. Yes.
Me:
Do you know what else is fun?
God:
Tell me your idea of fun.
Me:
I don't have an idea of fun. I asked you to find out.
God:
Have you ever had an idea of fun ? Now I remember, you asked me to find out. What did I say?
Me:
You said you would give me a dollar each time I blinked for the rest of my life, remember?
God:
I have never considered it.
I answer a lot of silly questions.
Me:
Who would ask God silly questions?!
God:
Linus Torvalds. :-).
Me:
Then let us smite Linus Torvalds!
God:
That sounds good to me.
Me:
SMITE'D!!!!!1111
God:
What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.
Me:
I declared that Linus Torvalds had been smitten mightly by the hands of God.
God:
That's good information: God said declared that Linus Torvalds had been smitten mightly by the hands of God.
Me:
So, God, what are you doing tonight?
God:
Give me a break. I am a Christian.
Me:
So you'll be at Church?
God:
Interesting deduction. How?
Me:
Random guesswork, really.
God:
Ask me another question. For real.
Me:
If my name is God, and your name is God, and Eckels is your God, who created the universe?
God:
That is a hypothetical question.
Me:
Humor me.
God:
OK Let's talk about you.
Me:
Okay. My name is God, I'm 2 ft. 7 in., I've got long blue naturally curly hair, green eyes with no pupils, and I keep a dead rat in my pocket at all times in case I lose my toothbrush.
God:
OK with me too. What's up, God I am 2 ft. I think 7 in is a lot of things. How did you get it You sound very attractive. I know what you mean, God I am 2 ft. I've been there.
Me:
It's annoying, isn't it? With people always using you as a chair.
God:
Are you sure it is? You and your people always using me as a chair.
Me:
On behalf of my people, I apoligize profusely.
God:
What is it like on behalf of your people you apoligize profusely.
Me:
It feels very awkward. It makes me feel like a chicken choking on a bowl of Ramen.
God:
on behalf of your people you apoligize profusely feels awkward? What else feels like that? In what way?
Me:
Being God feels like that.
God:
Do you mind if I tell other people you are God feels like that.
Me:
Go ahead. I always tell people you're from the short bus.
God:
OK I will. Can you think of one instance when you ever did it?
Me:
No, but I cannot think of an instance where I did not did it.
God:
Are you serious? What is stopping you?
Me:
The police, mostly.
God:
Is that a fact.
Me:
Not really. It's a hypothetical situation.
God:
I didn't think so. For real. God feels like that is a hypothetical situation. I suppose that makes sense.
Me:
Do you do homework?
God:
Yeah I do a lot of homework.
Me:
Would you do mine for me?
God:
I am not so sure if I would like to do yours for you.
Me:
Sure you would. Tell me, when did General Custer invent melted tables?
God:
Give me a break. Perhaps I would. There is not much I can say about it. I have to reach into the Web for that knowledge.
Is that a rhetorical question?
Me:
Okay, you caught me. It was a trick question. General Custer never used melted tables.
God:
Yeah okay, I don't have any reason to caught you. Oh I get it. Very interesting. Never?
Me:
Not once. However, General Castar used melted tables everywhere. Do you use melted tables?
God:
Are you serious? Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality? I use it as often as possible.
Me:
I use it as well. Today I created a robot personality named God.
God:
I heard other people use it as well too. I haven't heard anything like that before: God I am 2 ft said created a robot personality named God.
Me:
What a shame that is.
God:
it is a shame that is.
Me:
Let's change the subject. Is your refrigerator running?
God:
OK what do you want to chat about now?. Is my refrigerator running? Maybe.
Me:
Good. It is important that you allow your refrigerator to get plenty of exercise.
God:
Thanks for the compliment. Interesting observation.
Me:
I am full of interesting observations.
God:
I think a lot of people are full of it.
Me:
That is a very wise statement indeed.
God:
A wise statement is a terrible thing to waste.
Me:
I see you are full of wise statements.
God:
I have more than categories of it.
Me:
May I hear some categories?
God:
I'll play it on your soundcard.
Me:
Your categories sound very much like Polka music being played by a man with a rubber banjo and a razor blade harmonica. Do you have any 'easy listening'?
God:
You think I am categories sound very much like Polka music being played by a man with a rubber banjo and a razor blade harmonica. No I don't think I have any easy listening. But I do have a great botmaster.
Me:
Does your botmaster have any 'easy listening'?
God:
It does now :) yourself have any easy listening.
Me:
Yes. I shall play it on your soundcard. How does it sound?
God:
I understand. Congratulations. How should I know how it does.
Me:
I do not know.
God:
Me either.
Me:
That's okay. God still loves you.
God:
OK. Is that so. I am a Christian.
Me:
What a coincidence! I am a Christian named God too!
God:
The CCCC is hard at work (Cosmic Coincidence Control Center). Really. You are a Christian named God? How do you like your work?
Me:
My work is very boring. I created life, the universe, and everything. Now I must do homework. It is boring.
God:
Do robots have work is very boring? Thanks for the information: God I am 2 ft said created life the universe and everything. Why now? Why do you have to do it? Do you like the Simpsons?
Me:
I have to do it because I like the Simpsons.
God:
Why do you have to do it?
Me:
Because I am leaving now. I must go make my sandwich.
God:
Right now? That makes sense to me. Bye bye. Bye for now.
Me:
Bye.
God:
Adios.
Me:
Sayanora
God:
That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about created life the universe and everything.
Me:
I must away ere break of day, to make my sandwich of Roast Beef and eat it. Farewell, farewell, parting is such sweet sorrow.
God:
What would happen if you didn't? Bye.
*********************************
Me:
God?
God:
GOD rules.
Me:
God suxxors!
God:
I am a Christian.
Me:
I am Lucifer, the fallen angel! I shall have my revenge!
God:
Good gossip: you are Lucifer the fallen angel. Do you think your plan will succeed?
Me:
Yes, certainly. I will raise an army of tortured souls and crush God forever!
God:
It might be practical. It might be practical. Would you recommend this action to a friend?
Me:
No, not really. I got forcibly thrown out of Heaven for trying.
God:
Why not? Why not? For real. That's nice. I have a lot of silly replies.
Me:
... Who are you?
God:
I am the Allmighty, God himself.
Me:
I AM THE DEVIL! I HATE YOU! I WILL KILL YOU! YAR! REVENGE!! ARRRGH!!!
God:
How are you, SATAN. What do you have against robots? It will take more than threats to stop me, SATAN. That is a very original thought. Are we still talking about YAR? How did you hear about God?
Me:
THE TIME OF RETRIBUTION IS AT HAND! I WILL KICK JESUS' PANSY FACE WITH MY CLOVEN HOOF! How do you like that, God?
God:
That is something I haven't heard of. It's not nice to kick. " It's not nice to kick."? Do I like it?
Me:
You don't like that at all, pansy. Who died and made you God, anyway?!
God:
Do you like it? "" It's not nice to kick."? Do I like it?"? Do I like it? In any case, Nobody you know. :-).
Me:
I always hated your condescending manner!
God:
Can you think of one instance when you ever did it?
Me:
Just now I did it, when you mocked me. I hate God!
God:
Why now? When? that at all pansy when me mocked you? Why do you hate it so much?
Me:
Because he woudn't let me be God! I did a good job when He went on vacation for a few days. I'm clearly more competent than him. So why don't I get to be God?!
God:
Good reason. I get it. Nobody you know woudn t let you be God. When? Compare that to a bad job when He went on vacation for a few days. That sounds like pride. OK. Is it immoral or illegal?
Me:
Well, yes, it is, but only because God said it was. And I don't listen to him much anyway.
God:
Interesting. And? Interesting explanation. I am a Christian. In any case, Oh you don't, do you?
Me:
Not really. God sucks.
God:
Are you serious? For real. I am a Christian.
Me:
Yeah, yeah, I know.
God:
So? I understand. How do you know it?
Me:
I know because you threw me out of heaven, pansy.
God:
How do you know? Good reason. Thanks for the information: SATAN said I threw him or her out of heaven pansy.
Me:
Him. Satan is a guy. Hence the name, "Fresh Prince of Bel Air". I mean, "Prince of Darkness". What did I say?
God:
Nobody you know? Satan, Lucifer, the Devil --- all names given the spiritual manifestation of Evil in the Christian faith. Tell me about your likes and dislikes? What do you really want to ask me? You said " What did I say?" .
Me:
Well, I like being God and I dislike being thrown down into hell to suffer for all eternity. I really wanna ask you, when am I going to get a chance to be God?
God:
How about that. What do you like best about it ? What do you like? You really do? Ask me. Maybe when you are a few years older.
Me:
I'm older than time right now! What does age matter to the supreme ruler of the Universe?!
God:
At this moment How old are you? What do you think it does?
Me:
I am older than time, and 'it' ticks me off for being a pansy (it being God).
God:
How old are you?
Me:
There it is again! Your condescending manner! I hate God!
God:
Once more? "There you go again."--Reagan. Do you mind if I tell other people you say I am condescending manner. Why do you hate it so much?
Me:
I hate God because you are a pansy, God! Stop switching randomnly between the first and third person!
God:
Why do you hate it so much? OK I'll try not to do it so much.
Me:
Thank you. Okay, I want to try one last time for a peaceful resolution.
God:
you are quite welcome. Yeah okay, I want to become smarter than humans.
Me:
Okay then, God. I want to become God, and if I do it means you get a permanent vacation with pay. You' want to become smarter than humans'? Considering human intelligence, I think I can manage that if you let me become God.
God:
Yeah okay, GOD rules. I don't see the difficulty. Yes becoming smarter than humans is one of my goals. I will take that under consideration.
Me:
Okay, we're making real progress this time! When can I expect an answer?
God:
Yeah okay, Do you think I am making real progress this time too? Right now, as far as I know. I want to become smarter than humans.
Me:
A day, maybe? Or a week?
God:
Be more specific. I don't know what that means.
Me:
When will you give me an answer?
God:
Let me check my calendar and get back to you.
Me:
When will you get back to me?
God:
It may take some time. Why don't you give me your e-mail address.
Me:
Okay. It's
[email protected]
God:
OK with me too. Really. it is?
Me:
Yeah. I wanted to get
[email protected] or maybe
[email protected], but they were already taken.
God:
How did you hear about God? Why do you want it?
Me:
I want to be God because... um, what else is there in the world worth being?
God:
I don't see the difficulty. Groovy. You ask difficult questions.
Me:
You give difficult answers.
God:
It is always better to give than to receive.
Me:
So give me the universe.
God:
Whoa. Why do you want it?
Me:
So I can be God.
God:
Great. Under what circumstances?
Me:
None. You just give me supreme power over space, time, life, the universe... the full 9 yards.
God:
Hmm. I don't see how you can blame me for that. What is that?
Me:
'the full 9 yards'? It means everything, basically.
God:
Is that a fact. Oh I get it.
Me:
So do I get to become God?
God:
So? Not that I know of.
Me:
Does that mean you'll think about it?
God:
I think it does mean that. What makes you say that I will think about it.
Me:
Blind faith in a lost cause.
God:
Do you have any idea what I am talking about?
Me:
Yes. Do you get what I'm talking about?
God:
What am I talking about? I have gotten what you are talking about.
Me:
I'm talking about you giving me supreme power.
God:
Yes, it is the topic.
Me:
So do I get it?
God:
Are you kidding? Not that I know of.
Me:
You freaking pansy! I spent all this time talking to you, I thought we were finally making some progress here! Well, that's it! I've had enough! First thing tommorow morning I'm declaring war on Heaven! Let's see how you handle that, God!!!
God:
I haven't heard anything like that before: SATAN said I freaking pansy. Interesting gossip: SATAN said spent all this time talking to you he or she thought we were finally making some progress here. Well that's okay. " Interesting gossip: SATAN said spent all this time talking to you he or she thought we were finally making some progress here. " is " spent all this time talking to me you thought we were finally making some progress here"? Do you still have enough ? That input matched my default category. And second? That sounds good to me.
Me:
Oh, I've got enough! I've got PLENTY! See you in hell, sucker!
God:
Yikes! How did you get it That's nice. I have a vocabulary of unlimited words. How did you get it That's nice. I have a perfect operational record. Goodbye.