Time For Some Lawyer Jokes!

[Beldaran]

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A doberman!

Q: Why does New Jersey have the highest amount of Toxic waste and
California the highest amount of lawyers?
A: New Jersey had First Choice!

Q: What's the difference between a carp and a lawyer?
A: One's a scum-sucking bottom dweller, and the other's a fish.

Q: What do you call 20 lawyers buried up to their neck in the sand?
A: Not enough sand!

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: Take his head out of the toilet.
A3: No. Good!

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q: Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.

Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: In the cemetery

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigalo?
A: A gigalo only screws one person at a time.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A: Every day a rooster starts his day by clucking defiant...

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why shouldn't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do you get when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing, there are some things that even a pig won't do.

Q: What do you call 100 lawyers jumping out of an airplane?
A: Skeet!

Q: Why don't lawyers don't lay on the beach?
A: Because they are afraid a cat will come by and cover them up.

Q: Why do they bury lawyers 10 feet under instead of 6 feet under?
A: Because deep down they are really nice people.

Q: Why are leopards sometimes observed eating elephant dung?
A: To wash away the taste of a lawyer they just ate!

Q: How many lawyer jokes are going around the Web?
A: Three! (All the rest are true!)

[Archibaldo]

"Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand"

Lmao!

I got one.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.

[carrot red]

There's no love lost between laywer types and myself.


I read a book that listed actual questions asked in Court, but I forgot the title. When I googled for it, I got this set of examples:

Actual questions asked in court. The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records.

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?


Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?


Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?


Do you have any children or anything of that kind?


Was that the same nose you broke as a child?


Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.


Q: How many times have you committed suicide?


So, you were gone until you returned?


You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?


Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.


A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."


Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

[Darth Marsden]

Ah, lawyers. Do they know no bounds?


A photographer, a news reporter and a lawyer were driving through the desert (bear with me) when the car broke down. Seeing as there was no way to repair the car, they decided to walk on foot and hope that they meet someone along the way. They each decide to take one item with them, so as not to weigh themselves down, and away they go.

A few hours later, they happen upon a traveling merchant, whom the photographer has had some dealings in the past with. He greets the three and offers to help them back to their car where he will either fix it or lend them camels, food and water to aid them on their journey. The three are obviously very grateful and so back they go to the car.

Upon inspection, it turns out that the engine has completely blown and even the merchant cannot repair it, so he lends them the camels, food and water as promised and bids them farewell. Before they go, however, he asks them what they took from the car and why.

The photographer shows the merchant his water flask, and proudly announces that he emptied it of water and filled it with whiskey. The merchant laughs and questions why the news reporter brought an umbrella, seeing as there is no rain in the desert. The reporter tells him it is to keep the sun off him, and the merchant nods in understanding. Then he turns to the lawyer, who has, strangely, brought one of the car doors with him. When questioned about this unusual choice, the lawyer replies, matter-of-factly, "Well, if it got hot, I could always wind down the window."