39 Things Women Can't Do...

[Great Warrior]

39 Things Women Can't Do...

01. Know anything about a car except its color
02. Go 24hrs without sending a text message
03. Throw
04. Run
05. Park
06. Fart
07. Read a map
08. Resist Ikea
09. Sit Still
10. Eat a kebab whilst walking
11. Piss out of a train window
12. Argue without shouting
13. Get told off without crying
14. Understand fruit machines
15. Walk past a shoe shop
16. Make a decent bacon butty
17. Not comment on a strangers clothes
18. Use small amounts of toilet paper
19. Drink a pint gracefully
20. Get a round in
21. Throw a punch
22. Do magic
23. Enjoy porn...well, most of them
24. Eat a really hot curry
25. Get to the point
26. Buy plain envelopes
27. Take less than 20mins in the toilet
28. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
29. Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
30. Assemble furniture
31. Roll a bogey between finger and thumb
32. Set a video recorder
33. Watch a war film
34. Understand why flirting results in violence
35. Spend a day by themselves
36. Go to the toilet by themselves
37. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket
38. Choose a video quickly
39. Get this far without having argued with at least one of the above.

[MacWeirdo42]

??? Why?

Oh, and for the record, nobody can resist Ikea. That place will swallow your soul.

[Gerudo]

39 is only true because a variety of women CAN do at least half of that list.

[moocow]

39 Things Men Can't Do...

01. Know anything about his girlfriend except her bra size
02. Go 24hrs without asking for sex
03. Throw without showing off
04. Run without showing off
05. Park without showing off
06. Fart without showing off
07. Read a map without acting smarter than God
08. Resist Ikea, whatever the hell Ikea is
09. Get off of his ass
10. Eat a kebab without staining his white shirt
11. Piss IN the toilet
12. Argue
13. Get cut off without crying
14. Understand the significance of a shower
15. Walk past a bar
16. Make a decent... anything
17. Not comment on a stranger's tits
18. Use enough toilet paper
19. Drink a pint gracefully
20. Get a round in
21. Take a punch without expecting sympathy sex from his girlfriend because he got beat up for doing something stupid and we should all feel bad for him.
22. Who needs to do magic anyway?
23. Who doesn't enjoy porn, really?
24. Eat food that doesn't make their breath rancid
25. Stop avoiding the point
26. Buy envelopes
27. Take less than 20 minutes looking at himself in the mirror saying, "Thank you God, for making me so fucking sexy."
28. Sit in a room for five minutes without farting for burping really loud
29. Go shopping before the last minute
30. Rearrange the furniture
31. Why would anyone want to roll a boogey between their finger and thumb?
32. Set a video recorder
33. Watch any film without trying to grope his girlfriend
34. Understand why flirting gets you pretty far
35. Spend a day without his friends
36. Go to the toilet without pissing on themselves
37. Um. I would like to hope that my man isn't out buying a purse so... yeah.
38. Choose a video that doesn't have a sex scene in it
39. Get this far without insisting that the reason I made this list is because I'm mad about the other one, but not realize that really... I don't give a shit :)

[SixTen]

It seems the battle has begun...

[ShadowTiger]

22. Do magic... ... ... Er ... 1) Sabrina the Teenage Witch 2) Charmed. 3) Bewitched. 4) WITCHES! XD :laughing: ... :p

I don't even know all that many guys who do magic. Interesting list(s) though.

[carrot red]

Right, BH4. And he doesn't seem to know I am a redheaded witch. Oops. Sorry, I didn't mean to turn you into a frog before forgetting how to do magic again, GW.

Well done, mooie! Owned!

You're right about that, SixTen.

Let the war begin!!!

Now it's time for some little fun. You want to post lists, GW? I'm the queen of them.

Things Men Need to Know

1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because
WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in
combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.

4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.

7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.

8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.

10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.

11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"

13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!

14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.

15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.


Seminars for Males
Once again, the female staff of the University will be offering courses to men, regardless of marital status. Please note that the name of some courses have recently been changed. Attendance to at least 10 of the following courses is mandatory. The seminars are in great demand, so please register early.

Courses

* Economics

o 101: Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
o 102: We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things For Christmas- Give Us Money

* English

o 101: Spelling - Even You Can Get It Right
o 102: The Attainable Goal: Omitting "*#?$@" From Your Vocabulary
o 110: How Not to Act Like an Asshole When You're Obviously Wrong

* Environmental Studies

o 101: Garbage - Getting It to the Curb
o 102: Why It Is Unacceptable to Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the bathroom
o 103: You Can Do Housework Too
o 104: How to Fill an Icetray
o 105: How to Put the Toilet Lid Down (must be taken concurrently with Environmental Studies 106)
o 106: Learning to Aim Straight - It Can Be Done (must be taken with ES 105)

* Health

o 101: How to Stay Awake After Sex
o 102: Parenting - It Doesn't End With Conception (also Psych 102)
o 103a: You Can Fall Asleep Without IT If You Really Try
o 103b: The Morning Dilemma - If IT's Awake, Take a Shower
o 104: Changing Your Underwear - It Really Works
o 110: You Too Can Be a Designated Driver
o 201: Honest, You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially When You're Naked (also Psych 201)

* Leisure Studies

o 101: The Weekend and Sports Are Not Synonymous
o 102: How to Go Shopping With a Woman Without Getting Lost
o 110: Helpful Posture Hints for Couch Potatoes

* Psychology

o 100: Combatting Stupidity
o 101: PMS- Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
o 102: See Health 102
o 103: Understanding the Female Response When You Come In Drunk at 3am
o 104: How to Not Act Younger Than Your Children
o 111: Give Me a Break - Why We Know Your Excuses are Bullshit
o 201: See Health 201
o 250: Learning Self-Control - How Not to Pick Your Nose or Adjust Your Balls in Public

* Sociology

o 101: YOU - The Weaker Sex
o 102: Reasons to Give Flowers
o 105: Romanticism - Other Ideas Besides Sex
o 115: Why Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is Not Necessary
o 210: Male Bonding - How to Leave Your Friends At Their Homes

* Textiles and Apparels

o 101: Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly: Don't Wash My Silk)
o 102: I'll Wear It If I Damn Well Please
o 104: Yes, They Really Smell After Being Worn More Than Once



Women's Rules For Men

1. Call.

2. Don't lie.

3. Never tape any of her body parts together.

4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.

5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."

6. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"

7. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.

8. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.

9. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.

10. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.

11. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.

12. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.

13. None of your ex-girlfriends was ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.

14. Her cooking is excellent.

15. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.

16. Dish soap is your friend.

17. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.

18. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.

19. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.

20. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"

21. Two words: clean socks.

22. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.

23. Burping is not sexy.

24. You're wrong.

25. You're sorry.

26. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.

27. Ditto for your discourse on football.

28. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.

29. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.

30. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.

31. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.

32. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.

33. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.

34. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.

35. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.

36. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.

37. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.

38. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.

39. Always, always suck up to her brother.

40. Think boxers.

41. Remember Valentine's Day, and any "anniversary" she so names.

42. Don't try to change the way she dresses.

43. Her haircut is never bad.

44. Don't let your friends pick on her.

45. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

[Dechipher]

To be quite honest, my girlfriend can do more from that list than I can, GW.


Which is, of course, mildly embarrasing.

[Beldaran]

#40: Take a joke?

Isn't this boys vs girls stuff a little 4th grade? There are incredibly awesome girls, and a vast majority of worthless cunts who no one likes or needs. There are incredibly awesome guys, and a vast majority of worthless cocks who no one likes or needs. People's merits are determined individually, not by gender/race/etc. heh.

[moocow]

Well done, mooie! Owned!

Thanks babe! :D

Also, it's true, Carrot IS the queen of lists.

[Glitch]

hahaha. At least we don't have to bleed once a month to drain the evil.

[carrot red]

*cough*At least we wash our hands*cough*

[Glitch]

*cough*At least we wash our hands*cough*

I wash my hands thank you very much :)

[MacWeirdo42]

Judging from these lists, I fail at being a man, and I wouldn't make a very good woman, either. Damn. What's a guy to do? Oh well, gender's overrated anyway.

[Rainman]

Girls have cooties!

[Belgarath]

39 Things Men Can't Do...

01. Know anything about his girlfriend except her bra size
02. Go 24hrs without asking for sex
03. Throw without showing off
04. Run without showing off
05. Park without showing off
06. Fart without showing off
07. Read a map without acting smarter than God
08. Resist Ikea, whatever the hell Ikea is
09. Get off of his ass
10. Eat a kebab without staining his white shirt
11. Piss IN the toilet
12. Argue
13. Get cut off without crying
14. Understand the significance of a shower
15. Walk past a bar
16. Make a decent... anything
17. Not comment on a stranger's tits
18. Use enough toilet paper
19. Drink a pint gracefully
20. Get a round in
21. Take a punch without expecting sympathy sex from his girlfriend because he got beat up for doing something stupid and we should all feel bad for him.
22. Who needs to do magic anyway?
23. Who doesn't enjoy porn, really?
24. Eat food that doesn't make their breath rancid
25. Stop avoiding the point
26. Buy envelopes
27. Take less than 20 minutes looking at himself in the mirror saying, "Thank you God, for making me so fucking sexy."
28. Sit in a room for five minutes without farting for burping really loud
29. Go shopping before the last minute
30. Rearrange the furniture
31. Why would anyone want to roll a boogey between their finger and thumb?
32. Set a video recorder
33. Watch any film without trying to grope his girlfriend
34. Understand why flirting gets you pretty far
35. Spend a day without his friends
36. Go to the toilet without pissing on themselves
37. Um. I would like to hope that my man isn't out buying a purse so... yeah.
38. Choose a video that doesn't have a sex scene in it
39. Get this far without insisting that the reason I made this list is because I'm mad about the other one, but not realize that really... I don't give a shit :)

01. CC-40. There are only 244 different possible bra sizes a women can wear without going into special fit, so its not that hard to remember.
02. She asks me.
03. Its usualy dark in the room so that makes no point.
04. I dont drive.
05. Why run when you can walk?
06. In the bathroom works best.
07. A map? Whats that?
08. True, that was one hot stripper. To be fair though my girlfriend at the time couldnt resist her either.
09. I have never gotten off on the thought of my ass, so I guess your right.
10. I would rahter use a damn fork, thats what they are for.
11. Its called AIM. Its very easy to do if your penis is long enough I guess you just havent known many men with large enough dicks.
12. Really?
13. Get *what* cut off? That sounds scary.
14. Its called 'clean'=='more sex'.
15. Thats easy, just keep a bottle of JD in your fridge like I do.
16. How about dinner? I started to learn to cook when I was 4.
17. Thats rude. I comment *on* them. While giving full eye contact of course.
18. Thats why you keep a bale of it under the sink in plain view instead of hideing it. So there is always enough.
19. Becuase sipping takes care of your thirst so much faster, right?
20. Its not your fault if the other guy doesnt last long in the fight.
21. You get punched its your own damn fualt. Learn to block stupid.
22. It's spelled 'magick' not 'magic'. Trust me as a witch I know.
23. The Pope. Oh wait.. Alter boy sex scandle anybody?
24. Doesnt salad count as food?
25. Fine you can stick the point in me when I can stick the point in you.
26. I did that yesterday. And stamps too.
27. I ony take 19.
28. I have gon as far as half an hour. It was hard, but an athlete must make sacrafices for the sport.
29. Why not get it out of the way as soon as possible? Thats what I do since I hate shopping.
30. I moved a shelf yesterday so I could place my guitar in the corner. Doesn t that count?
31. Becuase using your toes is SO much harder.
32. Heh. I take it you don't know many guys who make there own porn like me?
33. Star Wars Episode 3. Next!
34. Showing actual interest is key. Women don't like to be ignored... ;)
35. I would rather spend a day with my girlfriend at the park or something special.
36. Once again I don't think your dateing men with large enough penises. Thats why they make fire hoses so long, so they can be aimed correctly.
37. What if its for you like as a gift or something? It may be misguaded but he wanted to spend MONEY on you.
38. Once again Star Wars Episode 3. Either that or I missed a very good part.
39. Of course you dont, your just vindictive and like spending lots of evergy putting people down right? We love you mooie! ;)

[Foxx]

It seems the battle has begun...
Begun? LOL, the battle has been going on since the beginning of time.

[Ovi]

Begun? LOL, the battle has been going on since the beginning of time.
'Tis a battle that we, as men, cannot win. Women are far too stuborn to give in, and eventually, we will have to. Guys, time to give up.

[MacWeirdo42]

The problem, as you stated, is that women are far too stuborn to give in. In other words, they'll continue to fight even after we have long surrendered. More realistically, it'll continue as long as we accept the concept of gender and the idea that what you've got between your legs determines your behavior. It's all socialized, really. Men act the way they do because they're taught to, and the same for women. So it's really stupid to get all bent out of shape about supposed differences.

[Great Warrior]

Nothing stirs up people more than gender talk. In conclusion guys don't understand girls any more than girls understand guys. Stereotypes kill any middle ground that might be reached. Truce?