Driving in Dallas

[Beldaran]

This is probably a lot funnier to me because I live in Texas, but I got this in an e-mail and figured at least a few of you might enjoy it anyway.

Btw, I can vouche for the truth of all of these. :laughing:


Driving In Dallas -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
For all of you who may be wanting to visit or move to Dallas,
there are a few driving rules that must be observed:

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL--US,
not DAL-IS.
Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out
and buy a new one.
If you are in Denton or Collin County and your Mapsco is one
day old, then it is already obsolete.
Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Dallas has its
own version of traffic rules..."Hold on and pray". There is no
such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas. We all
drive like that.
All directions start with, "Get on Beltline or Get on Loop 12"
...which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is
from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday at lunch.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended,
cussed out and possibly shot. When you are the first one on the
starting line, count to five when the light turns green before
going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red
light in cross-traffic.
Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a
permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that,
we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in
Fort Worth."
If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a
factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.
All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way.
PERIOD.
Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road,
Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road... all
mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are
only a FEW examples). The perfect example is what is MOSTLY known
as Plano Road. On the south end it is known as Lake Highlands
Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about
8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave, Ave K, and Highway 5. It
ends in Sherman. Or Turtle Creek, which turns into Preston Road
which turns into Highway 289. It also ends in Sherman.
If asking directions in Irving, Garland or East Dallas, you must
have knowledge of Spanish. If in central Richardson or on Harry
Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask
directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four
hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum
speeds of 75.
Don't get on the Dallas North Tollway unless your car is capable
of doing 90mph. While on the tollway, don't even THINK about
stopping in the Tolltag! lane at the toll plaza. In fact, don't
even slow down. You will get run over.
You WILL get stuck in traffic. This is simply a fact of life. For
this reason, don't leave the house without a full tank of gas, a
change of clothes, a day's supply of food and water, and an
inflatable raft. You might want to bring something to read; the
entire Encyclopedia Brittanica is recommended.
While you are stuck in traffic, use caution when opening your
doors. Opening your driver's door to empty your ashtray could
land a motorcyclist in your front seat.
It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of
EAST NORTHWEST Highway. You can also drive north or south on
I35 East and West. Highway 121 North runs East and West. And
even though all other odd-numbered highways in the nation go
north and south, highway 183 runs east and west; the opposite
is true for highway 360. Don't let this confuse you.
LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and
"trap."
If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's
10 ! de! grees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is
going on. If it's rained 6 inches in the last hour, and it is
Spring, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round. If
it is Fall, the Texas State Fair is going on. So don't be alarmed
if you have to switch your car's climate control from heat to A/C
and back to heat all within 4 hours.
If you go to the Fair, pay the $5.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park.
Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing
fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get
you to park in his 'yard', run over him.
All amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, race tracks, airports, etc.,
are conveniently located as far aw! ay! from EVERYTHING as possible
so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.
With these simple rules in mind, you are now ready to drive in
Dallas.
Quit whining.
Try to keep up.

[carrot red]

Very familiar.

I guess driving is the same everywhere, but we think it's not really. My guess is they have the same for every major city in the US too.

That's the one I have:

Welcome to Chicago!

First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.

Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one.
If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.

Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."

There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago.
We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10.
The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7.
Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, if you happen to be on the south side, possibly shot.
When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic but be prepared to hear the horns from all the cars behind you because you didn't immediately start moving.

Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment.
We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"

If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.

Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.

All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period!

First Ave, LaGrange Rd, Pulaski, NW Highway...all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.

If you are asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish.
In Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet.
If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side, you'd better be armed.

A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.
The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.

The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is NOT ornamental.

The Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.
The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago time.
If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park.
If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round.
If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25 to park in the "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard', run over him.