You know you're a liberal if...

[Ich]

Found this when I was looking for some facts to quote in a response I never got around to writing for the Limbaugh thread.

http://www.gargaro.com/liberalif.html

[Saffith]

Edit: Screw it. Everyone just pretend I'm not an idiot and I never replied to this. And I'll try and pay attention better from now on.

[TheGeepster]

I'm disappointed about one thing. The link to the corresponding "You're A Conservative If.." link doesn't seem to work.

Good site Ich.

[carrot red]

I think that was done on purpose, Geepa. :pirate:


Here's a little something that one of my father's friends (a hunter) wrote and sent him:

Subject: Conservative vs. Liberal


The division of the human family into its two distinct branches,
liberals and conservatives, occurred some 20,000 years ago. Until then
all humans coexisted as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers.

A thousand generations ago, in the pivotal event of societal
evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both the
foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great
bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups.

Once beer was discovered, our prehistoric forebears decided it was
time to settle down. Making beer required grain, and securing a steady
supply of it ordained the invention of agriculture.

After that was accomplished, ancient man quickly and unfairly,
consigned actual cultivation to women.

Men couldn't just run off, willy-nilly, however. Neither the glass
bottle, nor the aluminum can had yet been invented, so it was
necessary to stick pretty close to home, and the brewery.

This left our male ancestors with a lot of time on their hands, and
led to the division of the species, which persists to this day.

Some men tried to conserve remnants of the old way of life (hence the
term "conservative") by spending their days in the open field hunting
dangerous big game animals. At night they would roast their prey at a
big barbecue, and afterwards sit around the fire drinking beer,
passing wind, and telling off color jokes.

Other, more timid souls stayed closer to home. They are responsible
for the domestication of cats, and the invention of group therapy.
Mostly, they sat around worrying about how life wasn't fair and
concocting elaborate schemes to "liberate" themselves from inequity
(thus their designation as "liberals").

In the evening they gathered around their fire, nibbling on fruit and
nuts, sharing their innermost feelings.

Today some liberals try to pretend they're really sort of
conservative, and sometimes succeed in confusing people. The following
are a few tips to use in distinguishing the two types.

By definition liberals believe in big government and high taxes. Life
is unfair and the government is there to do something about it. Most
people are too stupid to spend untaxed income wisely, they say, and
high taxes allow liberals in government to do a better job of it.

Conservatives don't like government, and aside from the military, wish
it would just go away. They hate taxes, regulations, speed limits, and
small cars.

Typical conservatives are Tom Selleck, Ronald Reagan, Rush Limbaugh,
and up there with the Big Man in the Sky, the incomparable John Wayne.

Typical liberals are Dustin Hoffman, Shirley McLain, Pee Wee Herman,
Martin Sheen, Sean Penn, Barbara Streisand, Ted Turner and his former
wife, the traitor bi**h, Jane Fonda.

Conservatives drink beer, American beer.
Some liberals like imported beer, but they most prefer white wine or
foreign water from a bottle.

Liberals like to drive Volvos and Saabs because they're made in
socialist Sweden. They like to eat weird food because it's un-
American.

Your basic conservative vehicle, especially in Alaska, is the Chevy
Suburban. It's big, it's American, it's four wheel drive, and it sucks up the gas.
Conservatives eat beef, which they (surprise!) like to
barbecue.

Big game hunters are conservative. Interior decorators are liberal.

Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it
wasn't "fair" to make the poor pitcher take his turn at bat.

Conservatives, inspired by a remark of the legendary Pittsburgh
Steeler linebacker Jack Lambert, believe quarterbacks should be
required to wear skirts, so they can more easily be distinguished from
real football players.

James Brown and Ray Charles are conservative. Michael Jackson and
Milli Vanilli are liberals.

Most social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, and group
therapists are liberals. Most loggers, ranchers, professional
soldiers, and steeplejacks are conservative.

Liberal jurors distrust the prosecutors and police. Conservatives
figure the defendant must be guilty, or he wouldn't be on trial.

Most conservatives not only believe in the death penalty, they would
cheerfully implement it, personally, if called upon to do so.

Liberals think capital punishment is a barbaric relic, and unfair to
boot.

Liberals believe Europeans are, generally speaking, far more
enlightened than Americans. Conservatives think they're basically
decadent, as evidenced by their complete absence in wars.

Typical conservative movies are Raising Arizona, Patton, and True
Grit.

Typical liberal movies are Prince of Tides, Last Tango in Paris, and
The Big Chill.

The quintessential liberal is the handicapper, the person who decides
how much extra weight to saddle the faster horses with in order to
make the race "fair".

Finally, the American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full bore
conservative. A hundred years ago an Englishman in South Dakota was
trying to find the owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of
the ranch hands and asked, "Excuse me, but could you tell me where to
find your Master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That sumbi**h hasn't
been born".

[Saffith]

Gah, I'm not reading all that. :p


Originally posted by carrot red
I think that was done on purpose, Geepa. :pirate:Maybe not. It's a link to a Xoom page. Xoom hasn't existed for a while, and maybe the page just hasn't been updated since then. I found two other pages with links to the same site (although a different page) through Google.

[Ich]

Well, a Google.com search (http://www.google.com/search?sourceid=navclient&q=%22you+know+you%27re+a+conservative+if%22) produces 66 results, among which is this link (http://www.bartcop.com/sini.htm) with the desired content. I found it amusing too.

[Nonsensical]

Anyone who considers themselves hardcore right or left wing is an idiot.... those areas are naturally contradictorary..

I don't see how many people could fall under those categories, they're kind of obvious.

Ah, politics.. the great big grey area with morons on all shades of the spectrum.. :rolleyes:

[bigjoe]

You know youre a conservative if:

You needlessly make fun of liberals.


Originally posted by Nonsensical
Anyone who considers themselves hardcore right or left wing is an idiot.... those areas are naturally contradictorary..

I don't see how many people could fall under those categories, they're kind of obvious.

Ah, politics.. the great big grey area with morons on all shades of the spectrum.. :rolleyes:

Youre right. I liken it to resorting to name calling in school.

Oh yeah, and something hypocritical about the "Youre a liberal if"


If you think that the Constitution is a living document and should be changed but the writings of Karl Marx are "written in stone".

I guess the Bush Administration is a big bunch of liberals. (sarcasm) I mean , theyre the ones changing the constitution to take away power from Congress.

[Daarkseid]

The general idea I get from both lists is that both Liberals and Conservatives are hideously hypocritical.

[TheGeepster]

Ummm, isn't the purpose of the Constitution to limit the power that the federal government holds over the states and the people?

The Bill of Rights was designed with that reason in mind, if nothing else. Amendments were supposed to be things which the federal government could not do whilst they where legislating the things with national significance.

*chuckles* It is interesting to read the other side, Ich. Thanks for searching that one out.

Among my favorite of those listed..


You think Hillary Rodham Clinton is a flaming, anti-christ-like, communist wench.
Actually, that's socialist wench, but eh, what's a technicality? :)
You believe welfare money should not go to the poor, but to the rich.
New one on me. :shrug:
You insist people pay horribly for tax increases, but turn a deaf ear to the people that get hurt from tax cuts.
I didn't realize that letting people keep more of what they earn was so painful, especially those who create jobs...
You prefer to argue with labels instead of facts and ideas.
Actually, I'm still waiting for the liberal ideas to come out.