So I should be sleeping...

[Brasel]

So, I should be sleeping, yet I'm sitting here, awake, browsing old posts because for some reason, I can't bring myself to go to sleep. I don't know what it is anymore, I just don't want to sleep. The more I sleep, the less I can do. I hate being asleep...but being awake makes me tired...stupid biological mechanics.

So i'm posting a useless post... The strange thing is, this isn't insomnia anymore I don't believe. I just don't want to go to sleep. I'd much rather stay awake for 24 hour periods at a time, but then, when I do fall asleep, I don't want to wake up.

I missed my class Wednesday morning because of this. Missing a class during the summer with this guy is like missing a week during the school year, so the test I take tomorrow is going to be hell. Not only is it going to be bad because I missed a weeks worth of notes and the test is open note, but I still haven't fallen asleep, so I won't be well rested. I hate this asshole of a professor. I bet he fails me because I missed his fucking class.

I hate this guy. What the fuck is his problem? Does he get his jollies from threatening students? Couldn't he be a bit more compassionate or something? What if I had a legitimate reason for being late that one day? He could have broken me if I had been late for the reason I'm thinking...I'm rambling now too.

I'm not doing bad in the class up to this point. I have an A, so its not the grade on this next test I'm worried about, its the fact that I missed that last class so he might just fail me because I missed one class. He told me that if I'm late again he would, so missing a whole class? Oh, I'm so fucked.

So you'd think I'd learn from this and go to sleep so I know that I'll wake up on time for class right? Well, aparently I'm not so smart. Fuck it all.

One of the biggest problems I have with myself is that I am so fucking weak. I have stupid problems like this and like the fact that my father is breathing down my neck because I'm not living like he wants me to, yet I want to die. I don't always want to die, just when I'm having anxiety attacks.

Last time I attempted to kill myself, I was put in a psychiatric ward. I haven't tried to this time, but its getting to be as bad as it once was. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday...but I don't know I can make it that long.

Am I just mentally unstable? I don't want to be crazy...so I'm weak and crazy. Fuck this. Why shouldn't I just kill myself here? I HATE weak people...and I am weak. I just don't understand.

Limited people really care or understand about this whole unstableness dilima as well. I think Trevelyan understands, but I'm not sure. I know Tera (my girlfriend) does to an extent, but not enough to fully divulge all my feelings about suicide and my weakness to her. I should...I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't want to leave her here alone. I wouldn't want to leave any of my family or friends for that matter.

So, I'm living, not for myself, but for my loved ones. I guess thats kind of noble, but sad as well. What the fuck is my problem? Why the hell am I posting this here? I just need to vent.

Thanks Goat for talking to me tonight, even though it had nothing to do with this. Its nice to talk to someone new every once in awhile.

Thanks Daark for being someone I kind of look up to. You have to be one of the strongest people I know.

Thanks War Lord for putting this forum up so I could be around to pester everyone for the (almost) two years I've been here.

Thanks Darth Cronic, TSA, Breaker, Glenn, and the others for putting on all the controversial shows for us...it really wouldn't be AGN without you guys.

Thanks Dark Nation for taking on the Zelda Classic project and wasting a couple months worth of my time on the computer. ;)

Same goes to you, Phantom Menace.

Thanks Zaphod for helping me out with my newbiness in the early days.

Thanks Dark Panther, Menokh, Elemental Knight, Cap, Starkist, Gerudo, Foxy, J.J. Maxx, Carrot Red, Warlock, Big Joe, Drunken Tiger, Mottzilla, Ekulf, Raichu, TSA, Cyclone, and whoever else I left out for being so kind to me.

Thanks Moocow for being a silly little online crush for these past 2 years.

Thanks to the Administration for putting up with me and all my avatar changes before we could do it ourselves, and for letting me back into the forums after BOTH of my self bans.

Thanks Cyclone for letting me moderate the Zelda Classic database after you let people post...that was such a disaster, but it was fun letting the "bad ass moderator" out of me to wreak some havok.

Thanks Trevelyan for joining.


I don't know what kind of post this is...it might be a suicide note for AGN, but it might just be an "I'm tired and going to bed" note as well. I guess we'll see tomorrow.

I have too much to live for...but not enough motivation to live for it.

[Blonde799]

You do have a lot to live for, and you should live for it. You have a lot of things I'd like to have someday, so go and make the best of what you have. I really don't have anything to live for, and I've found that suicide isn't the answer, because well, it hurts.:p So, I just sit here and look at the sky, and hope a meteor falls.

In your case though, I'd go with the flow, and do your best to make things tilt in your favor. Start anew today, or tomorrow. Giving yourself a clean slate to work with helps with dealing with multiple problems.:)

[Brasel]

Clean slates are really hard to do. I've found that after multiple attempts at trying to restart and head into things at full force results in just a more tired, more depressed Tony.

The pain is another factor that is keeping me from killing myself. Though I often feel as though I need to inflict myself with some kind of pain, I don't like it. I hurt myself almost exclusively by punching myself, slamming myself against things, or pulling at my hair. Sharp pain from knives draws blood, and I don't think I've reached that point yet.

I'm not afraid of death itself, though I have no idea what would be in store for me afterwards. Is there an afterlife? I don't know...and that doesn't help my depression. Because if there is, maybe I have something to live for, but living a "good" life according to Christians seems so empty. All I have to do to reach heaven is believe and ask for forgiveness? I dunno...it seems like it should be harder than that. But on the other hand...if there is no afterlife...what are we living for? Is there really a point? If I kill myself then, I'm just weak and thats the end. No eternal suffering in Hell...so suicide would be a viable option, I guess.

I feel like I'm supposed to do something great for mankind. Not something stupid like star in a movie or something...thats just fucking stupid. Famous people...actors and actresses...while some of them get my respect, are just fucking stupid. I HATE the media focusing on people who have extremely boring lives. I think there should be a show that would randomly focus on some "normal" person for a day, and get their life story. Perferably an older person with a lot more worldy experiences than any of these stupid "stars".

I don't know where that rant came from, but whatever.

I feel like I'm supposed to do something great for mankind. I don't know what it is, or what I'm supposed to do, but I'm not motivated enough to get it. Its like I'm supposed to fill this emptiness inside of me.

Its so fucking corny and cliche, but I feel like there is this part of me, inside, that is empty. It bothers me from day to day. Its almost as though I'm supposed to do something, but I don't know what it is. I have friends who keep telling me that the emptiness is faith. They could be right...but I don't know. Why faith in a religion? Who cares? We're here, we don't know why, and we won't ever find out. Some hokey supreme being is supposed to fill our empty souls? I dunno...I don't know what the fuck my problem is. I feel as though I'm just ranting without a purpose. Venting, I suppose.

I'm ranting and venting aobut almost nothing in particular. Sorry.

[DarkPanther]

Bah, the only time I've had a problem with you was when you FIRST joined and your name was "Sir Anthony the DragonSlayer" and your name stretched out the profile column everywhere you posted. But then they fixed that, and I've been cool with you ever since. ;)

Professors can be assholes. It seems in the world of professors, they're either really cool, or really mean. Really smart or really ignorant. Any combination of those two aspects can pretty well sum them all up.

Get some sleep man. And a bad test isn't the end of the world. If your dad doesn't understand that, ask him to bring home a written evaluation from his boss today.

[Starkist]

Get some sleep. Things are always worse when you haven't slept lately. Not everyone is mentioned in the newspapers or gets on tv, but that doesn't mean you can't do something great. I think it is far more noble to bring happiness into the life of one person than to sell yourself as a celebrity. Just wait Tony, you'll find something to live for.

[carrot red]

Read this. New link. (http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/nm/20030718/hl_nm/stress_depression_dc_1)

Wise inori says "sleep is for the weak".
Don't beat yourself up for things you cannot change. Don't try too hard, you'll find your way one day soon.
You have great friends and a wonderful girlfriend.
And if I ever hear you talking about suicide again, I'll give you a spanking myself, young man.:evil:


Edit

[moocow]

:(

I'm going to IM you now, thanks.

[Brasel]

A good talk from my girlfriend and a good talk from moocow really put me in better spirits today. I did miss my stupid test out of spite for my stupid professor. That wasn't the smartest thing to do, but there isn't much I can do about it now. I'm just going to try to go back to normal again...and not try to hurt myself again.

Thanks guys. I have a shrink appointment on Monday, so hopefully I can start getting weekly counseling, this should help a lot.

[Blonde799]

That's great.:) Too bad I don't have a shrink to vent and tell dark secrets that I want to be revealed to everyone in a deceitful manner.:p

[EWild]

Well, I hope you can get better and sleep enough to post here! :)

Oh and about the test thing, say you were'nt feeling too good, or something, maybe even talk to him about the problem with him. :\ Hey, it could work...

[moocow]

/me hugs SirAnthony

btw, sorry I didn't say bye before you left, I was helping my sister get something out of the closet :p

[Trevelyan_06]

Sir_Anthony hang in there man. You know where I live and can talk to me at any time. You should try sleeping curled up with a stuff animal. It helps me out. Course I take my rabbit everywhere, but I don't think you're willing to take it that far.

As for the emptiness part, you'll find what it is that is suppose to fill it for you. I had that for a time but I was luckly enough that my girlfriend filled that for me. Don't worry about feeling that you should be doing something great for mankind. That what life is about. You go out each day and could be a hero, or just another guy. It's the adventure of life that makes up history. Not everyone will make it into the history book but that is okay. The world needs teacher, doctors, police, firefighters, and even garbage men. When is the last time a garbage man made it into the history books? But without them the world would be a much dirtier place. The point is, you're young like me and we'll both find out what it is we need to do with our life. Our time will come.

[Brasel]

I feel bad for making everyone worry...but thanks guys. Thanks a lot. I feel alot better today, despite getting yelled at by my "dear old" dad. :)

[moocow]

Punch your dad in his face...

;)

j/k

:hug:

[Brasel]

I want to sooo badly! :) Maybe it would knock some sence into him.

[carrot red]

I'll help. I pack a good punch.;)

Don't listen to him, or listen with half an ear and don't let him upset you.

[Trevelyan_06]

Here's what I say do Tony. When he comes over again and starts critizing the apartment or you, just quickly chance the subject by pointing out the furry pictures on my door. That way he'll think I'm a freak and critize me instead of you. And I don't mind if people think I am a freak or not.

But seriously don't let it bother you man. He needs to stop trying to live your life for you.

[SSJ3500]

Originally posted by Sir Anthony
The more I sleep, the less I can do. I hate being asleep...


heh, I thought I was the only one who despised sleep. It's required but it wastes so much time time, sleep is very annoying.

[Zelda Lives]

Um. I know you're feeling better now, but I just wanted to chime in...
I love you.