Brasel
07-18-2003, 07:03 AM
So, I should be sleeping, yet I'm sitting here, awake, browsing old posts because for some reason, I can't bring myself to go to sleep. I don't know what it is anymore, I just don't want to sleep. The more I sleep, the less I can do. I hate being asleep...but being awake makes me tired...stupid biological mechanics.
So i'm posting a useless post... The strange thing is, this isn't insomnia anymore I don't believe. I just don't want to go to sleep. I'd much rather stay awake for 24 hour periods at a time, but then, when I do fall asleep, I don't want to wake up.
I missed my class Wednesday morning because of this. Missing a class during the summer with this guy is like missing a week during the school year, so the test I take tomorrow is going to be hell. Not only is it going to be bad because I missed a weeks worth of notes and the test is open note, but I still haven't fallen asleep, so I won't be well rested. I hate this asshole of a professor. I bet he fails me because I missed his fucking class.
I hate this guy. What the fuck is his problem? Does he get his jollies from threatening students? Couldn't he be a bit more compassionate or something? What if I had a legitimate reason for being late that one day? He could have broken me if I had been late for the reason I'm thinking...I'm rambling now too.
I'm not doing bad in the class up to this point. I have an A, so its not the grade on this next test I'm worried about, its the fact that I missed that last class so he might just fail me because I missed one class. He told me that if I'm late again he would, so missing a whole class? Oh, I'm so fucked.
So you'd think I'd learn from this and go to sleep so I know that I'll wake up on time for class right? Well, aparently I'm not so smart. Fuck it all.
One of the biggest problems I have with myself is that I am so fucking weak. I have stupid problems like this and like the fact that my father is breathing down my neck because I'm not living like he wants me to, yet I want to die. I don't always want to die, just when I'm having anxiety attacks.
Last time I attempted to kill myself, I was put in a psychiatric ward. I haven't tried to this time, but its getting to be as bad as it once was. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday...but I don't know I can make it that long.
Am I just mentally unstable? I don't want to be crazy...so I'm weak and crazy. Fuck this. Why shouldn't I just kill myself here? I HATE weak people...and I am weak. I just don't understand.
Limited people really care or understand about this whole unstableness dilima as well. I think Trevelyan understands, but I'm not sure. I know Tera (my girlfriend) does to an extent, but not enough to fully divulge all my feelings about suicide and my weakness to her. I should...I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't want to leave her here alone. I wouldn't want to leave any of my family or friends for that matter.
So, I'm living, not for myself, but for my loved ones. I guess thats kind of noble, but sad as well. What the fuck is my problem? Why the hell am I posting this here? I just need to vent.
Thanks Goat for talking to me tonight, even though it had nothing to do with this. Its nice to talk to someone new every once in awhile.
Thanks Daark for being someone I kind of look up to. You have to be one of the strongest people I know.
Thanks War Lord for putting this forum up so I could be around to pester everyone for the (almost) two years I've been here.
Thanks Darth Cronic, TSA, Breaker, Glenn, and the others for putting on all the controversial shows for us...it really wouldn't be AGN without you guys.
Thanks Dark Nation for taking on the Zelda Classic project and wasting a couple months worth of my time on the computer. ;)
Same goes to you, Phantom Menace.
Thanks Zaphod for helping me out with my newbiness in the early days.
Thanks Dark Panther, Menokh, Elemental Knight, Cap, Starkist, Gerudo, Foxy, J.J. Maxx, Carrot Red, Warlock, Big Joe, Drunken Tiger, Mottzilla, Ekulf, Raichu, TSA, Cyclone, and whoever else I left out for being so kind to me.
Thanks Moocow for being a silly little online crush for these past 2 years.
Thanks to the Administration for putting up with me and all my avatar changes before we could do it ourselves, and for letting me back into the forums after BOTH of my self bans.
Thanks Cyclone for letting me moderate the Zelda Classic database after you let people post...that was such a disaster, but it was fun letting the "bad ass moderator" out of me to wreak some havok.
Thanks Trevelyan for joining.
I don't know what kind of post this is...it might be a suicide note for AGN, but it might just be an "I'm tired and going to bed" note as well. I guess we'll see tomorrow.
I have too much to live for...but not enough motivation to live for it.
So i'm posting a useless post... The strange thing is, this isn't insomnia anymore I don't believe. I just don't want to go to sleep. I'd much rather stay awake for 24 hour periods at a time, but then, when I do fall asleep, I don't want to wake up.
I missed my class Wednesday morning because of this. Missing a class during the summer with this guy is like missing a week during the school year, so the test I take tomorrow is going to be hell. Not only is it going to be bad because I missed a weeks worth of notes and the test is open note, but I still haven't fallen asleep, so I won't be well rested. I hate this asshole of a professor. I bet he fails me because I missed his fucking class.
I hate this guy. What the fuck is his problem? Does he get his jollies from threatening students? Couldn't he be a bit more compassionate or something? What if I had a legitimate reason for being late that one day? He could have broken me if I had been late for the reason I'm thinking...I'm rambling now too.
I'm not doing bad in the class up to this point. I have an A, so its not the grade on this next test I'm worried about, its the fact that I missed that last class so he might just fail me because I missed one class. He told me that if I'm late again he would, so missing a whole class? Oh, I'm so fucked.
So you'd think I'd learn from this and go to sleep so I know that I'll wake up on time for class right? Well, aparently I'm not so smart. Fuck it all.
One of the biggest problems I have with myself is that I am so fucking weak. I have stupid problems like this and like the fact that my father is breathing down my neck because I'm not living like he wants me to, yet I want to die. I don't always want to die, just when I'm having anxiety attacks.
Last time I attempted to kill myself, I was put in a psychiatric ward. I haven't tried to this time, but its getting to be as bad as it once was. I have a doctor's appointment on Monday...but I don't know I can make it that long.
Am I just mentally unstable? I don't want to be crazy...so I'm weak and crazy. Fuck this. Why shouldn't I just kill myself here? I HATE weak people...and I am weak. I just don't understand.
Limited people really care or understand about this whole unstableness dilima as well. I think Trevelyan understands, but I'm not sure. I know Tera (my girlfriend) does to an extent, but not enough to fully divulge all my feelings about suicide and my weakness to her. I should...I love her with all my heart. I wouldn't want to leave her here alone. I wouldn't want to leave any of my family or friends for that matter.
So, I'm living, not for myself, but for my loved ones. I guess thats kind of noble, but sad as well. What the fuck is my problem? Why the hell am I posting this here? I just need to vent.
Thanks Goat for talking to me tonight, even though it had nothing to do with this. Its nice to talk to someone new every once in awhile.
Thanks Daark for being someone I kind of look up to. You have to be one of the strongest people I know.
Thanks War Lord for putting this forum up so I could be around to pester everyone for the (almost) two years I've been here.
Thanks Darth Cronic, TSA, Breaker, Glenn, and the others for putting on all the controversial shows for us...it really wouldn't be AGN without you guys.
Thanks Dark Nation for taking on the Zelda Classic project and wasting a couple months worth of my time on the computer. ;)
Same goes to you, Phantom Menace.
Thanks Zaphod for helping me out with my newbiness in the early days.
Thanks Dark Panther, Menokh, Elemental Knight, Cap, Starkist, Gerudo, Foxy, J.J. Maxx, Carrot Red, Warlock, Big Joe, Drunken Tiger, Mottzilla, Ekulf, Raichu, TSA, Cyclone, and whoever else I left out for being so kind to me.
Thanks Moocow for being a silly little online crush for these past 2 years.
Thanks to the Administration for putting up with me and all my avatar changes before we could do it ourselves, and for letting me back into the forums after BOTH of my self bans.
Thanks Cyclone for letting me moderate the Zelda Classic database after you let people post...that was such a disaster, but it was fun letting the "bad ass moderator" out of me to wreak some havok.
Thanks Trevelyan for joining.
I don't know what kind of post this is...it might be a suicide note for AGN, but it might just be an "I'm tired and going to bed" note as well. I guess we'll see tomorrow.
I have too much to live for...but not enough motivation to live for it.