a joke

[SquishyMon]

Since carrot red has been posting many threads full of quotes and humor and whatnot, I thought I'd do it to.

One day a little girl goes up to her mom and asks her how old she is.
"That's not something adults like to tell," her mother replies.

Then the little girl asks her mother how much she weighs.
"That's not something adults like to talk about, honey" she replies.

"How come you and daddy got a divorce?" the little girl asks.
"We don't like to talk about that either, honey." she says, ending the conversation.

The next day the little girl asks a friend about why her mother wouldn't answer any of her questions.
The friend explains: "It's an adult thing. Just look at her driver's license, it's like a report card for adult's. It will tell you everything you need to know."

So when she got home from school she went up to her mother and said, "Mommy, I know how old you are."
"How old?" her mother asked.
"47."

The little girl said: "I know how much you weigh."
"Really?"
"Yeah, you weigh 135 pounds. And I know why you and daddy got divorced."

"Okay, why is that?" her mom said.
And the little girl replied, "Because you got an F in sex!"

[Dechipher]

Lmao.

Ah...good way to end the night.

[carrot red]

Very nice one, Squish.

Here's another signed by *not* yours truly.

Add It Up: Relationship Guide.

For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties:

You make the bed...+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You leave the toilet lid down...-10 after the lights are out...-30
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings...+5
But return with beer ...-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something...+5
You pummel it with a six iron...+10
It's her father...-10

Social Engagements:

You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8

Her Birthday:

You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...+1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10

A Night Out With The Boys:

Go out with a pal...-5
And the pal is happily married ...-4
Or frighteningly single ...-7
And he drives a Mustang...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) ...-15

A Night Out:

You take her to a movie...+2
You take her to a movie she likes...+4
You take her to a movie you hate...+6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called DeathCop 3...-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15

Your Physique:

You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts ...-30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too"...-800

The Big Question:

She asks, "Do I look fat?" ...-5
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, "Where?"...-35

Communication:

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes...+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20



GOOD LUCK!!!

[moocow]

LOL, both of those are great, Squish and Carrot.

/me giggles

[Ganonator]

Bah.. I have a good one that I just got today -- enjoy!

A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said,"This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."

The husband is expected to recover.

[Jemsee]

Language of Men
What we really mean when we say:

1. "I'M GOING FISHING" Translation: I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.

2. "IT'S A GUY THING" Translation: There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.

3. "CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?" Translation: Why isn't it already on the table?

4. "UH HUH", SURE", or, "YES, DEAR" Translation: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

5. "IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN" Translation: I have no idea how it works.


6. "I WAS LISTENING TO YOU, IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND" Translation: I was wondering if that blonde over there has a boyfriend.

7. "TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD" Translation: I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.

8. "THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR" Translation: Are you still talking?

9. "YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS" Translation: I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.

10. "I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES" Translation: The girl selling them was really cute.

11. "OH, DON'T FUSS. I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL" Translation: I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt.

12. "HEY. I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING" Translation: And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.

13. "I CAN'T FIND IT" Translation: It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clue less.

14. "WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?" Translation: What did you catch me doing?

15. "I HEARD YOU" Translation: I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and I am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't have to spend the next three days yelling at me.

16. "YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE" Translation: I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be much worse.

17. "YOU LOOK TERRIFIC" Translation: Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving.

18. "I'M NOT LOST, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE" Translation: No one will ever see us alive again.

19. "DO YOU KNOW WHERE MY GOOD SHIRT IS?" Translation: Where is my old football jersey, it's Wensday poker night.

20. "I LOVE YOU" Translation: (for some of us anyway) I love you :heart:

(That last one was mine, the rest were from a forward) :)

[carrot red]

Jemsee, I simply adore your response. Encore!

Your last one was the best, of course.:)

[Ian]

LMAO, they're all funny. Though, I have already heard the one Squishy posted.