AlphaDawg
10-17-2002, 12:42 PM
http://www.thedailybull.ca/article.php?id=128
WASHINGTON, DC - Officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced early Tuesday that they have recently approved the computer game EverQuest as a viable form of contraception. Sony later revealed plans to donate computers and copies of the game to members of the white trash segment of America.
It has long been known by experts that TSR's Dungeons & Dragons was one of the most effective methods of birth control ever devised, but it's limitations were soon discovered in the mid-'80s when it was found to have little effect on females. Recent evidence, however, has suggested that EverQuest might be the bridge between fantasy-based birth control and gender.
"We have conclusive evidence that shows that the more someone plays EverQuest, the less likely it is that they are having sex," said Kurt Otterson, a statistical analyst with Sony. "Sony recognizes the problems caused by the inconvenience of an undesired child, and the life that a child born into such conditions will have to suffer through. Wouldn't it be better to avoid bringign that child into this world to begin with?"
Birth control usage among persons who classify as white trash is the lowest in the country, say experts, which is why the FDA approval comes as welcome news.
"Traditional birth control methods, such as condoms or the pill, do not have the advantage of offering complete protection," explained Otterson. "The most tried and true method of complete birth control is abstinence, but with dead-end jobs, a complete lack of personal hygiene and an addiction to fast food, members of the white trash population have nothing better to do than get it on."
EverQuest, commonly refered to as "Evercrack" by its fans, is a real-time massively-multiplayer online RPG that sets the player in a virtual world that never sleeps. Several gamers have reportedly set up portable toilets in front of their computers and played for hours sans pants. The amount of virtual currency that changes hands in the game in one day surpasses the GDP of most Third World nations. With many quests that are specific to a certain time, hundreds of gamers have camped out for days for a chance to get powerful items such as that "really cool sword that glows," and the "robe you can wear to become invisible."
EverQuest is unique as far as contraceptives go in that there is never any choice involved; the opportunity to have sex never arises among avid players. "People already spend so much time online, and since the game never ends, the potential for the gamer to stay online indefinitely is tremendous," Otterson said.
He cited the example of Odessa Twiford, a 19-year old single mother of two young epileptic children from Arkansas. "Odessa's life was spiralling into a state where she would have been chronically pregnant for the next 30 years," he said. "It is quite obvious by looking at her ramshackle house, her state of constant unemployment and her inability to prepare a meal more complex than uncooked Kraft Dinner, that she is completely unfit to be the mother of any children, nevermind children with a disability caused by her crack addiction."
"Once we introduced EverQuest into her life, she was immediately hooked and stopped having sex with all 14 of her partners," Otterson told reporters, "and we expect that as long as she's given state-funded Internet access until she hits menopause, it's quite likely that she'll never reproduce again."
Plans to release a game patch adding a mating feature into EverQuest, where two or more characters could bump into each other for a few minutes and spawn a new, computer-controlled character, were scrapped by Sony after the FDA announcement.
"We felt that if there was sex in the game, it would defeat the purpose of keeping our players' minds off sex in the real world," said Otterson.
WASHINGTON, DC - Officials at the Food and Drug Administration announced early Tuesday that they have recently approved the computer game EverQuest as a viable form of contraception. Sony later revealed plans to donate computers and copies of the game to members of the white trash segment of America.
It has long been known by experts that TSR's Dungeons & Dragons was one of the most effective methods of birth control ever devised, but it's limitations were soon discovered in the mid-'80s when it was found to have little effect on females. Recent evidence, however, has suggested that EverQuest might be the bridge between fantasy-based birth control and gender.
"We have conclusive evidence that shows that the more someone plays EverQuest, the less likely it is that they are having sex," said Kurt Otterson, a statistical analyst with Sony. "Sony recognizes the problems caused by the inconvenience of an undesired child, and the life that a child born into such conditions will have to suffer through. Wouldn't it be better to avoid bringign that child into this world to begin with?"
Birth control usage among persons who classify as white trash is the lowest in the country, say experts, which is why the FDA approval comes as welcome news.
"Traditional birth control methods, such as condoms or the pill, do not have the advantage of offering complete protection," explained Otterson. "The most tried and true method of complete birth control is abstinence, but with dead-end jobs, a complete lack of personal hygiene and an addiction to fast food, members of the white trash population have nothing better to do than get it on."
EverQuest, commonly refered to as "Evercrack" by its fans, is a real-time massively-multiplayer online RPG that sets the player in a virtual world that never sleeps. Several gamers have reportedly set up portable toilets in front of their computers and played for hours sans pants. The amount of virtual currency that changes hands in the game in one day surpasses the GDP of most Third World nations. With many quests that are specific to a certain time, hundreds of gamers have camped out for days for a chance to get powerful items such as that "really cool sword that glows," and the "robe you can wear to become invisible."
EverQuest is unique as far as contraceptives go in that there is never any choice involved; the opportunity to have sex never arises among avid players. "People already spend so much time online, and since the game never ends, the potential for the gamer to stay online indefinitely is tremendous," Otterson said.
He cited the example of Odessa Twiford, a 19-year old single mother of two young epileptic children from Arkansas. "Odessa's life was spiralling into a state where she would have been chronically pregnant for the next 30 years," he said. "It is quite obvious by looking at her ramshackle house, her state of constant unemployment and her inability to prepare a meal more complex than uncooked Kraft Dinner, that she is completely unfit to be the mother of any children, nevermind children with a disability caused by her crack addiction."
"Once we introduced EverQuest into her life, she was immediately hooked and stopped having sex with all 14 of her partners," Otterson told reporters, "and we expect that as long as she's given state-funded Internet access until she hits menopause, it's quite likely that she'll never reproduce again."
Plans to release a game patch adding a mating feature into EverQuest, where two or more characters could bump into each other for a few minutes and spawn a new, computer-controlled character, were scrapped by Sony after the FDA announcement.
"We felt that if there was sex in the game, it would defeat the purpose of keeping our players' minds off sex in the real world," said Otterson.