Boo!

[Dechipher]

1, " Kleptomaniac: A rich thief."
2, " Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B."
3, " The shortest distance between two points is under construction."
4, " Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission."
5, " Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence..."
6, " Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses."
7, " Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game."
8, " The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbee straining to land under a car, just out of reach."
9, " Never precede any demo by a comment more predictive than \042Watch this!\042."
10, " It is bad luck to be superstitious."
11, " If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law."
12, " For every action there is an equal and opposite government program."
13, " When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
14, " Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check."
15, " A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat."
16, " Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object."

17, " Pro is to con as progress is to Congress."
18, " The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action."
19, " Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots."
20, " Bank error in your favor. Collect 200!"
21, " Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may be in owning a piece thereof."
22, " Help! I'm trapped behind a Window!!!!"
23, " If anything can go wrong, it will."
24, " This fortune intentionally left blank."
25, " Look out! Behind you!"
26, " A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip."
27, " It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
28, " In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake."
29, " Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse."
30, " Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight."
31, " Any given program, when running, is obsolete."
32, " Any given program costs more and takes longer."

33, " If a program is useful, it will have to be changed."
34, " Any given program will expand to fill all available memory."
35, " The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output."
36, " Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it."
37, " There's always one more bug."
38, " Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it."
39, " It works better if you plug it in."
40, " Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out."
41, " Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some."
42, " The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent."
43, " Progress is made on alternate Fridays."
44, " If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization."
45, " Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.\012 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats."
46, " You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom."
47, " If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.\012 -- Mark Twain"
48, " Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved\012 -- Mark Twain"

49, " We have met the enemy, and he is us.\012 -- Walt Kelly"
50, " Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing."
51, " There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write."
52, " 1.) If the document should exist, it doesn't.\012 2.) If the document does exist, it's out of date.\012 3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first two laws."
53, " Probable-Possible, my black hen,\012 She lays eggs in the Relative When.\012 She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now\012 Because she's unable to postulate how.\012 -- Frederick Winsor"
54, " Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.\012 -- H. L. Mencken"
55, " Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.\012 -- Mark Twain"
56, " If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
57, " The shortest distance between two points is off the wall."
58, " Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels."
59, " You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself."
60, " Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left."
61, " Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."
62, " Dawn: The time when people of reason go to bed."
63, " While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are safe, for you can watch both of his."
64, " Did you know that clones never use mirrors?"

65, " There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy...\012 -- Ambrose Bierce"
66, " The goal of mechanical engineering is to build better mousetraps.\012 The goal of genetic engineering is to build better mice."
67, " Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should."
68, " Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said."
69, " Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat."
70, " If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?"
71, " An elephant is a mouse with an operating system."
72, " A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard"
73, " It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem."
74, " Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are."
75, " Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday."
76, " Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate."
77, " Those who can't write, write manuals."
78, " Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him."
79, " A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn."
80, " It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag."

81, " SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!\012 POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!"

[Dechipher]

82, " Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.\012 -- W.C. Fields"
83, " There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.\012 --Mark Twain"
84, " Beware of low-flying butterflies."
85, " Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a thing he tells you."
86, " You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first and last month in advance."
87, " Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so get used to it."
88, " You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry."
89, " A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep."
90, " The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work."
91, " Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.\012 -- D. J. Hicks"
92, " What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?\012 -- Peter S. Beagle"
93, " Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has been discontinued."
94, " Wasting time is an important part of living."
95, " Nihilism should commence with oneself."
96, " Nudists are people who wear one-button suits."

97, " In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled."
98, " Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting for a dial tone."
99, " UNIX is like sex - if you've tried it, you can't get along without it, if you haven't you really have no idea what the fuss is about."
100, " Give your child mental blocks for Christmas."
101, " Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings."
102, " Xerox never comes up with anything original."
103, " George Orwell was an optimist."
104, " Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks."
105, " Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."
106, " Hail to the sun god\012 He sure is a fun god\012 Ra! Ra! Ra!"
107, " Tangent tangent cosine sine\012 three point one four one five nine\012 Caltech! Caltech! Rah!"
108, " Brain fried -- Core dumped"
109, " Remember now, no more jokes about eununchs."
110, " Q: What's an IBM man-year?\012 A: 730 people trying to get a project done before noon."
111, " Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
112, " \042There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.\042"

113, " Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs."
114, " Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs."
115, " Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."
116, " Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work."
117, " As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.\012 --Einstein"
118, " \042We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.\042\012 --Ernestine"
119, " Flappity, floppity, flip\012 The mouse on the mobius strip;\012 The strip revolved,\012 The mouse dissolved\012 In a chronodimensional skip."
120, " Oh, dear, where can the matter be\012 When it's converted to energy?\012 There is a slight loss of parity.\012 Johnny's so long at the fair."
121, " 100 blocks of crud on the disk,\012 100 blocks of crud!\012 You patch a bug, and dump it again:\012 101 blocks of crud on the disk!..."
122, " If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50-50 it will."
123, " Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example."
124, " Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy."
125, " Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of."
126, " A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.\012 -- Mark Twain"
127, " Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the other fellow can spell."
128, " Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking\012 -- H. L. Mencken"

129, " Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath is called the listener."
130, " The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.\012 -- John McNulty"
131, " Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder aloud what the country could do under first-class management."
132, " Diplomacy is the art of saying \042nice doggy\042 until you can find a rock."
133, " A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat."
134, " Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when you make it again."
135, " Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers."
136, " Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move."
137, " Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.\012 -- Oscar Wilde"
138, " You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof."
139, " If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented it wasn't worth doing."
140, " In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on.\012 This person must be fired."
141, " Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them."
142, " Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving from where you left them to where you can't find them."
143, " If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want will get to the screen first."
144, " Science is true. Don't be misled by facts."

145, " 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.\012 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points."
146, " Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal."
147, " Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle."
148, " When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy."
149, " Among economists, the real world is often a special case."
150, " How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on."
151, " Superiority is recessive."
152, " When it is possible for programmers to program in English we will find the programmers cannot write in English."
153, " The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord."
154, " One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they never have to stop and answer the phone."
155, " If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in."
156, " At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer."
157, " If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it."
158, " Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address."
159, " The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group."
160, " Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of indigestion."

161, " Justice: A decision in your favor."
162, " Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date."
163, " Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the world has ever seen."

[Dechipher]

164, " Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.\012 -- Mark Twain"
165, " Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of."
166, " The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune."
167, " The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal.\012 -- Anatole France"
168, " God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh."
169, " To determine how long it will take to write and debug a program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and convert to the next higher units."
170, " Predestination was doomed from the start."
171, " Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
172, " Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.\012 -- Mae West."
173, " When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them."
174, " What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think themselves cleverer than we are."
175, " Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate."
176, " If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you."

177, " Software makes hardware happen."
178, " Hugh Hefner is a virgin."
179, " Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -- who has no gills."
180, " History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- i.e. none to speak of.\012 -- Lazarus Long"
181, " ...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.\012 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19"
182, " If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate.\012 -- Jerry Dreshfield"
183, " Hackers do it with all sorts of characters."
184, " Hackers know all the right MOVs."
185, " Hackers do it with fewer instructions."
186, " Hackers do it with bugs."
187, " Mathematicians do it in theory."
188, " Statisticians probably do it."
189, " Statisticians do it with 95% confidence."
190, " Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning."
191, " Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal)."
192, " Politicians do it to everyone."

193, " Test makers do it sometimes/always/never."
194, " Procrastinators do it tomorrow."
195, " Evangelists do it with Him watching."
196, " God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends."
197, " Hofstadter's Law:\012 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take Hofstadter's Law into account."
198, " There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark objects."
199, " The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.\012 This means that only left handed people are in their right mind."
200, " To be is to do\012 -- Hegel\012 To do is to be\012 -- Marx\012 Do be do be do\012 -- Sinatra"
201, " Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.\012 She scissored short. Sorely shorn,\012 Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed\012 Silently scheming,\012 Sightlessly seeking\012 Some savage, spectacular suicide.\012 -- Stanislaw Lem"
202, " \042If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.\042\012 -- Yiddish saying"
203, " I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.\012 -- Linus van Pelt"
204, " Courage is the fear of being thought a coward.\012 -- Horace Smith"
205, " When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.\012 -- Jonathan Swift"
206, " Lady Astor: If you were my husband, Winston, I'd put poison in your tea.\012 Winston Churchill: If I were your husband, Nancy, I'd drink it."
207, " Television is an invention that permits you to be entertained in your living room by people you wouldn't have in your home.\012 -- David Frost"
208, " Now we sit through Shakespeare in order to recognize the quotations.\012 -- Oscar Wilde"



There. Those are some funny quotes I found. Hope you guys enjoy 'em too.
(sorry bout the triple post: Message length limit.)

[The Silent Assassin]

Jesus Christ....

[Drunken Tiger]

wtf?!?!!

What the hell???
Im lost!!

[Dechipher]

Those are some quotes that I found in a shareware program called "Pundit"
It randomly pops up with one of these quotes (randomly selected.)
And I hacked into it and got all the quotes.

(Okay, so there was a resource fle and I opened it in Notepad. But it's the thought that counts, right?)

[Dark_Xero]

I'm not even gonna TRY to read all that. IT'd kill my eye's and i'd be blind, and we wouldn't want that now :p

[Dechipher]

Some are prety stupid, you jsut hafta sift through 'em. There are some pretty good ones in there.
Like:
159, " The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided by the number of people in the group."

102, " Xerox never comes up with anything original."

But there are some funnier ones.

[The Desperado]

I read them all, and found alot that were pretty good.

[mrz84]

:odd: too.....many.....words.....in one.....place.....head.....going to.....explode..... *head explodes leaving a very messy.....mess. :goofy:

[Artevoi]

Wow, That's a lot of quotes. I copied them into a Notepad file for later (offline) reading.

[Jemsee]

I got throu the 1st page (81) then saw 2 more pages and...??
Some are good will save the rest for later.
What you do post a whole book of quotes?
One that stuck out was;
16, " Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object."
How true.

[Cyclone]

I saw a few Einsteinisms in the first page, I think. But I stopped at around ten, and scanned the list. Later decision: leave page open, read offline. :nerd:

The Xerox one is good. :)

Cyclone