Need advice *Warning! Reading required*

[The Desperado]

Ive been trying to get a good story started, and this is the first chapter. It picks up after the introduction, which is a dream sequence. Nothing much happens in the chapter, but i just want to see if people would find it entertaining. Please help.


Eric woke up in a cold sweat. He sat up quickly, and his blue eyes scanned the dimly lit bedroom. He searched around the room, as if perplexed as to where he was. It took him a few seconds before he regained his bearings. Eric wiped the sweat from his forehead and climbed out of his bed. He remembered was he was now. The familiar setting of his room at the Thatcher’s jogged his memory. He had living comfortably and safely with his best friends family now for 11 years.
He hated that terrible, persistent dream. He hated himself even more for always thinking about. It had been 11 years since that horrifying Christmas night. He needed to move on. But every time he thought he had beaten the memories, the dream always returned. Haunting him, day to day.
Eric turned toward his alarm clock, which was beeping deafeningly. Eric quickly realized that he was running late, again. He grabbed the pair of jeans laying on his computer chair, leaped over the pile of clothes on his floor, and sprinted toward the bathroom. Sure, he had worn them the day before, but they were still “clean” as far as he was concerned. Halfway to the bathroom, he noticed his best friend, Austin, in route to the same bathroom. Hoping to beat Austin, Eric ran a little faster, but not fast enough. Austin slammed the wooden bathroom door on Eric’s bristly face, giving off a little laugh while doing so.
“Damn it, Austin!” Eric yelled
“Sorry dude, but I was here first.” Austin replied in a smart-ass tone.
“Come on, I’m going to be late for school again.”
Austin replied from beyond the door. “I’m your ride. Your not going to be any later then what I am.”
Austin opened the door and slid past an anxious Eric, toothbrush still in his mouth. Eric took this opportunity to quickly hop in the shower. He slipped partially from where the tiled floor was still wet from where Austin took his. Once Eric managed to get himself in the shower, Austin returned to finish brushing his teeth. He yelled at Eric from the other side of the shower curtain.
“Don’t forget your football pads.” Austin prompted him. His words slurred from the repeated motion of the toothbrush in his mouth.
“Crap!”
Austin, almost habitually replied “Don’t worry, I’ll throw them in the back of the truck for you.”
“Thanks a lot, bud. Oh, and could you by chance grab me a towel?”
Austin rolled his eyes as he opened the closet door to grab a fresh towel. He handed it to Eric, who had stretched his wet arm around the shower curtain to accept it.

After showering, Eric swiftly pulled on his jeans and raced to the laundry room to grab a shirt. As usual, he couldn’t find the shirt he wanted.
He yelled across the house to Austin’s mother. “Hey, Margaret! Have you seen my black Tool shirt?”
“I think you left it in the kitchen!” she yelled back. She was busy in her room trying to get Austin’s sister, Andrea, ready for the babysitters. Andrea, only about a year old, occupied much of Margaret’s time, when she wasn’t working at the doctor’s office. As a result, she no longer had time to keep track of everyone’s things.
Eric scolded himself as he hustled to the kitchen. “Kitchen, why the hell did I have it the kitchen?” Eric caught glimpse of his black shirt, laying across the back of a chair, when he heard the sound of the truck horn from outside..
Racing out the door, Eric managed to throw on his shirt and grab his book bag at the same time. After years of running late for everything, he had started to develop a system to help him get out the door just a little bit faster.
He opened the passenger to the old, beaten up, blue truck. The door squeaked with age as Eric hopped in the truck and pulled it shut.
“You finally ready?” Austin asked from the drivers seat.
“Yeah, I think so. Lets go otherwise I’m going to end up with another detention.”
Austin looked at Eric with a puzzled look and said teasingly “But you’d end up with one anyways.”
Eric gave Austin a light punch to the shoulder. “Will you just go already!”
The truck spinned out of the drive way and on to Worksmen road. The two friends were now only running about five minutes late. Better then what they normally ended up.

They were barely past Walkers Road when Eric let out a “Shit!”
“What did you forget now?” Austin asked exasperatingly as he looked over to Eric’s half of the cab. Eric, peering into the mirror attached to the back of the sun visor, was searching his face for any new pimples that might have appeared on his face over night.
“I forgot to do my hair.”
“Your in luck, I think I have a comb in the glove box.”
Eric pressed the tiny metal button to open the compartment. Inside laid a jungle of old CDs, history notes, and candy wrappers.
“How on earth would you know if you did? Look at all this crap.”
Austin, by now becoming annoyed, leaned across the cab and burrowed his hand toward the bottom of the glove box. His hand rummaged around the bottom of the clutter, then reemerged, comb intact.
Eric gave Austin a “Thanks” then started the painstaking task of combing his dirty blonde hair to met his perfectionist standards. Austin reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a crumbled, half-empty pack of cigarettes. After lighting one for himself, he handed the pack over to Eric, as if to offer him one. Eric willfully accepted.
“Thanks, I forgot mine at home.”
“They are yours.”
Eric gave Austin a light-hearted dirty look. Austin just smirked.

The tires of the worn out truck squealed as they pulled into Madison Valley High School student parking lot. The parking spots nearest to the school building had been taken by the time they had arrived, so the two had to settle for a spot near the back. Parking in the back just meant a longer sprit to the school doors. Trying to handle their heavy book bags and smelly football gear, the two boys raced to the school doors.
“I’m going to win, I’m going to win!” Eric teasingly yelled as he pasted Austin only a mere 20 feet from the door. Sure enough, Eric had his hand on the metallic door handle before Austin did. They had a bet running every morning. Whomever was last to the doors, had to buy the other their soda for lunch. Eric cheered in victory as they entered the school, just in time for the first bell.

[Mander]

Yes it was very entertaining and well written. Now please finish the story and post it so I can find out what happened 11 years ago.

[Yoshiman]

Hey... yeah. What did happen... *Dramatic* 11 YEARS AGO *Dramatic*

[Jemsee]

Nice caraticure development.
Is the dream in ralation to a story I read,(can't remember if it was you who wrote it) about a drunken father and a brother?
Don't want to tell more if I'm right. That would be up to you of how much of your story you want out.

[Mander]

I had wondered the same thing myself. That was a good story.

[Link 101]

Yeah finish it. I want to see what happened 11 years ago!

[The Desperado]

Due to popular demand, heres the introduction. which is infact the story that Jemsee is talking about. But i have rewritten it in third person.


Eric was wide-awake of course. Most kids are awake with excitement on this night. But he was awake from something else.
The room was mostly dark with the exception of the hall light that crept through the cracks in the door. The moon reflected just enough light off the freshly fallen snow to luminate the blue walls. His little brother slept in his bed across the room. He was breathing deep. He had gone to bed early, fatigued with excitement. The bitter winter wind rattled the window. And the bare, skeleton-like limb of a tree left a monstrous shadow on the walls.
The sound of footsteps coming up the stairs alerted Eric, causing him to pull his blanket closer to his face. He was sitting up in fearful anticipation. He heard him saunter by. His father, Ron, crossed the bedroom door on the way to his room. Eric could see the shadows of his legs from the crack between the door and the floor. He sat there, waiting. Waiting for the footsteps to return. Return to his door.
Some time had passed. The hallway light had been turned off. Eric just sat there, waiting. His brother, Joe, was no longer asleep. His deep breathing had ceased so Eric assumed that Joe lay there much like he did, waiting. Every night was like this. Sitting in dread. His dad didn’t always come, but there was no pattern to his drinking, so they never really knew if he was coming or not.
The hall light turned on. Eric trembled in fear. His brother sat up in his bed. His eyes, glistening with pre-mature tears, looked to Eric for some sort of comfort. He had none to offer.
The black shadow of two menacing legs appeared from the gap under the bedroom door. They stood there. Eric could hear his breathing. Deep and devilishly calm. The golden doorknob started to rattle. Joe dove underneath his winter covers, hoping that somehow Ron wouldn’t notice his presence.
The hallway light was brighter now. More light squeezed its way in as the door swung open. The rank scent of beer drifted in behind the light. The dark outline of his shady, distinct figure stood in the doorway. The shape of a beer bottle and of a long leather belt were noticeable in his hands. Eric continued to sit there, watching him. He tired to give him a menacing glance, but his fear was too strong to break. Joe started to weep. You could hear him trying to hold back his tears, but he was unsuccessful. The supple whining from under his sheets caught Ron’s attention. He slowly started to walk toward Joe’s bed. His feet creaked on the hardwood floor. The monstrous shadow of the tree branch seemed to move with him. Like a pair of silent vampires, stalking their prey. Ron loomed over Joe’s bed, his hands outstretched like claws. He leaned, closer and closer, toward Eric’s brother. One hand reached back, belt in tow. Eric couldn’t watch anymore. He shut his eyes and hid beneath his bedspread. No matter how hard he tried, his eyes could never seem to block out the visions of his brother’s torment. He pushed them shut with all his might, but it never seemed sufficient. The short squeaking of his brother’s bed springs alerted Eric’s attentive ears to the beginning of the assault.
He lay there, clenching in expectation of the bone chilling screams his brother would soon emit. The screams. The screams. Just listening to them was cold and excruciating in itself. But they never came. The noise of the small scuffle heard just moments ago, had subdued. With reserved courage, Eric slowly dared himself to open his eyes. Peeking over the edge of his blanket, he saw his father’s ominous figure. Looming still over his brother. Eric watched him for several minutes. Standing there, watching his brother slumber. Eric prayed he would just disappear, but he did not. He just stood there in a blank, empty stare with little movement or sound. He wondered if the alcohol had affected Ron’s perception. Perhaps he didn’t even know where he was. But he dared not to find out. So he just waited.
Finally, after what seemed like hours, the vampiric form of Eric’s father drunkenly staggered away. Beer can in hand; he stumbled out the door, closing it behind him. Eric sat up, scanning the room for evidence of his brother’s condition. Eric saw the lump of his body, still hidden beneath the fabric of his covers. He whispered Joe’s name over to him, trying to start some sort of communication. He didn’t respond to Eric’s pleas. Quietly, Eric shuffled out of bed and began to slowly creep across the cold, wooden floor. He tried to be as quiet as possible, since Ron's local in the house was still unknown. He managed to make his way to his brother’s bed without alarming anyone outside of the room. Eric pulled back the blanket, expected to see a tearful, terrified face. Instead, the tearful, terrified face was that of Eric’s. Upon inspection of his brother, he realized the horrifying truth behind tonight’s events. The small scuffle, the long belt. Everything fit into place. Eric fell to his knees before Joes bed, crying. His brother just lay there, motionless, breathless, with a belt wrung around his neck.

[Menokh]

That is very well written.
Keep writing more, it seems to be publishable material.

I really wish I had your talent for writing, all of my writing comes out sorta dull.

[Jemsee]

I thought so.
So now we have Eric living at a friends house and he is in football and they are late for school or just in time.
Right...you have to do more of this, I want to know what happened to mom and dad, how is Eric related to the folks he is living with, what kind of effect do the dreams have on his waking life, do his frends know about his familys past????
Please wright more.

[Mander]

Yes you have left us wanting to know more. You have the ability to hook a reader. Well done.

[stormwatcheagle]

What kind of sick bastard asks a kid to read during summer vacation? oh, well. Write on.

[gdorf]

Well, the "sick bastard" can write a mean story, so please continue!!

[Drunken Tiger]

WoW!!

That was good!! Now you can write my story about thwarted love for my english assignemnt!! ;);)

[The Desperado]

since a few seem to like the story so far, heres the next chapter...

Austin struggled with himself to stay awake. His eyelids would slowly work their way close, and he would have to fight them back open again. Austin’s father, Mr. Thatcher, stood dramatically tall near the front of the over-crowded classroom, leading a liberal discussion on first-person narrative. He seemed to notice his son’s drowsiness, but dismissed it. He was content with the thought of Austin falling asleep in his class. After all, he would just make Austin study it at home anyways.
Austin, leaning forward lazily on his desk, was aroused awake when a slight tapping on his left shoulder caught his attention. He turned his weary head around to see the domineering Troy McLaren sitting behind him.
“Hey, I’m having a party at my house this weekend after the football game. I want you to come.” Whispered Troy, careful not to alert Mr. Thatcher to their conversation.
Austin was now fully awake. He didn’t even think Troy had liked him. Sure, he was star quarterback on the same football team as Austin, but Troy never really seemed to pay much attention to him. Troy normally spent his time roaming the halls womanizing volleyball players and pushing around kids who didn’t where the same clothing line as him. He didn’t notice anyone other then those of his good friends. So being personally invited to one of Troy’s parties really caught him off guard.
Troy continued to impatiently lean toward Austin, as if awaiting an answer. Austin confusingly replied, “Sure, I’ll be there.”
“Good. I’ve got someone that wants to meet you.” Troy gave Austin a sly wink, then leaned back into his seat.
Austin turned back around in his seat, perplexed by his newly found association. Troy was by far the most popular person in the entire school, so being his friend would definitely have its unexpected perks.
Austin, still mystified from his conversation with Troy, was surprised when his friend Tara leaned over from the row of desks beside him.
“Psst….Hey Austin.” She whispered.
“What?”
“Eric and I are going to the library after practice is over, then we’re going to the Clairnsville street festival. Did you want to go with us?”
“Yeah, sure. But why are we going to the library?”
“I think Eric’s going to apply for a job there.”
“That would fit him well. Always reading and writing shit.”
Tara tried responding back with dirty glare, but was unsuccessful. Her eyes were much too beautiful to be considered a threat.
Mr. Thatcher, still leading the class discussion, was not oblivious to the small conversations that had just taken place. He decided to seize the opportunity, catching Austin defenseless. “Austin, you look deep in thought. Why don’t you enlighten us on your opinion of how the first-person perspective can be used to easily describe a given situation?”
Austin, now regretting ever taking Creative Writing, tried desperately to think of a decent answer. “Umm…..well…..”
Just as the pressure was mounting, the last bell rang, signaling the end of the school day. Austin let out a deep sigh of relief inside.
“Remember, your first person narrative story is due Friday. And don’t forget, it has to be two-thousand words.” Hank Thatcher reminded his class as they all hustled out the door, barely listening to him. Austin got out of his seat and walked toward his father’s desk. He took and seat in his dads leather chair behind the desk and propped his feet on top of the neatly organized desk. Framed pictures of his wife Margaret, and his children, Austin and Andrea, lined Hanks freshly polished desk.
“So what happened in class today?” Austin asked sarcastically. Hank simply rolled his eyes and continued organizing his papers into his brown briefcase. Despite Hanks seemingly hardhearted personality, he was actually one of the most caring people in town. Hank would do anything for his family and his students. He spent many afternoons after school in his classroom, trying to help students with their personal and educational problems. He was the unofficial counselor of the entire school.
“Wouldn’t you like to know? Speaking of class, how’s your story coming?”
“Oh, well…its going great.” Austin, who was obviously making up his story as he went, continued. “I mean, I haven’t enjoyed writing anything as much as I’m enjoying writing this.”
“Don’t listen to him, Mr. Thatcher. That’s the biggest load of bull I’ve heard in a long time.” Tara walked up to Hanks desk. Her shoulder length blonde hair flowed gracefully in the air as she joined in on the conversation. Her short stature and compelling blue eyes almost gave her the look of an innocent little girl.
Tara was as beautiful personality-wise as she was physically. When Tara wasn’t spending time with Eric and Austin, she was volunteering with many different community organizations, tutoring, or simply grading papers for Mr. Thatcher. “I’ve been trying to help his boy out, but I can never seem to get him to sit down long enough to write out the first sentence.”
“Who are you calling a boy?” Austin asked with falsely hurt pride.
“You, obliviously.” Eric said as he joined in the conversation when he entered through the classroom door. He walked up to Tara and wrapped his arms around her waist, and bent down, resting his head on her shoulder. He gave her a gentle kiss on her rosy-red cheek, which prompted a childish smile from the two of them.
“Have I mentioned lately how much the two of you make me sick to my stomach?” Austin said, semi-determined the ruin the moment.
Eric snapped back “Ah, your just jealous that I got the most beautiful girl in the world, and your stuck with…yourself.”
“Ouch, almost hurt.”
Hank, finally organized and ready to head home, re-entered the playful discussion. “Not to change the subject, as much as I enjoy hearing you all bicker, but aren’t you two going to be late for practice?”
Eric and Austin simultaneously looked at the clock suspended from the classrooms plaster wall. When they realized that it was almost three, they both dashed out the door, yelling “Good-bye” to Tara and Hank as they went.



“Here you go, just fill out all the questions, then return it back here to the front desk.” Said the receptionist, with a forced smile. Eric, not amused to by the woman’s false courtesy, swiped the form from her hand. He skimmed the countless questions as he walked back to the fiction section of the library, where Austin and Tara waited for him. He pulled back on the brilliantly stained wooden chair and violently placed the job application on the table. Tara sat quietly in the seat beside him, oblivious to her boyfriends resentment of the paper form. Austin sat across the table, humorously delighting in his friends dismay.
“I hate filling out this crap.” Eric said as he took a seat in the wooden chair.
Austin queried “Why? Its just asking where you live and what education you have.”
“No, this is one of those that have questions like ‘Have you ever done drugs?’, ‘Do you agree with doing drugs?’, ‘Once again, have you ever done drugs?’”
“Just answer ‘no’ to all of them. Problem solved, lets get out of here already.”
Tara, not amused by her companions’ petty complaints, grabbed the application from Eric’s grasp. “Oh for Christ’s sake, just let me fill the damn thing out.” Before Austin and Eric had the opportunity to respond, Tara started firmly marking off boxes with her pen. Austin and Eric just looked at the other and shrugged.


Eric crept up to the library’s cluttered front desk. The receptionist, typing perfunctorily on her computer, was turned away from an open view into the library, and could not see Eric approaching. Eric, realizing this early on, had decided to attempt some innocent revenge for the receptionist’s earlier attitude-stricken courtesy. Quietly, he approached the front desk. Being careful not to draw the receptionist’s attention from her computer. Once at the disorderly organized desk, Eric leaned in over it, trying to get as close to the woman as possible. Then, in a purposely high-pitched voice, Eric exclaimed “EXCUSS ME, MISS?”
The woman, startled by Eric’s presence, jumped out of her chair like a rocket and grabbed her chest in surprise.
“Oh, I’m sorry Miss. Did I startle you?” Eric asked in a sardonic manner.
The receptionist was obviously furious, but tried to hide her discontent. “Why yes you did, sir.” Without asking, she grabbed the application from Eric’s hand and motioned for him to leave her. Eric obliged, and left to return to the fiction aisle, grinning ear to ear.
On the way back to rejoin his friends, Erics eyes caught sight of something that drew his attention. A 1976 yearbook from Madison Valley High School, lying alone on vacant counter. Eric picked up the yearbook, and flipped through a few of its worn pages. Once he found the page he was looking for, he returned to the table where Austin and Tara sat waiting.
“Hey Tara, You know how I told you all those stories about my dad?” Eric asked Tara, before he was even in close proximity to the table.
“Yeah. Why?”
Eric stepped up to the table, and slid the yearbook across it to Tara. The book had already been opened to the page Eric intended for her to see. “There he is.”

[The Desperado]

(sorry for the double post, but it wouldnt let me post it all in one)

Tara ran her fingers across the list of names on the side column of the page, then moved it across the page, matching the name with a face. “Roy O’Malley. He was rather handsome in his younger days. Too bad he turned out to be an asshole.”
“Yeah, too bad” Austin added, and then thought of a question to ask of Eric. “Hey Eric, didn’t your mom graduate the same year?”
“Yes she did” he replied, leaning over to turn the yearbook page. All three had crowded around the book, looking deeply into its historic pages. Eric turned the old pages a few more, then stopped. “Right here.” He said while pointing toward a stunningly beautiful young woman named “Nancy Weathers”.
“Wow, she gorgeous.” Tara exclaimed in awe of Eric’s mother’s beauty. “How come you never talk about her?” she cautiously asked her boyfriend.
“I don’t remember her. She left Joe and I with my dad a long, long time ago.”
“Well, have you ever tired to find her.”
“Yeah, but no one has heard of her since she left town after Joe was born. I asked around the police station, and they think that she might have gotten her named changed when she left. Which is why I can’t find her. I don’t know what her name is now.”
“That’s too bad.” Tara replied sorrowfully. Eric, consumed by his many thoughts, stood almost in a trance for a few moments, then broke the silence.
Glancing at his watch, Eric informed the others “Hey, we had better get going if we plan to make it to the fair before it closes for the night.” They all hurriedly grabbed their belongings, and headed for the truck.

[Mander]

Very good!! I hope we don't have to wait too long for chapter 4.

[The Desperado]

Actually....I just finished it.

Austin and Eric sat on the splintered, wooden dock, which hovered over the medium-sized pond that sat near the Thatcher’s house. It laid past the small pine tree grove beside the house, leaving the pond secluded and private. They both sat in the dark night, looking into the star-filled sky. The soothing sounds of the singing of crickets and bullfrogs relaxed them both after another long, stressful day. Eric, who was puffing on a cigarette, turned to Austin, who was busy munching on his leftover elephant ear from the carnival.
“Is it me, or is Coach Travis being a major dick this year?” Eric asked Austin. Austin tried to reply quickly, but realized that he had better swallow the large bite of elephant ear in his mouth first.
“Really? He’s been incredibly nice to me as of late. I wonder why he would be dogging you?”
“Probably because I’ll ‘never live up to the potential that my father had’.” Eric mocked the harsh words his coach had repeated to him what felt like a million times.
“Ah, just ignore him. You know how he is. Nothing is ever really good enough for him.” Austin said, trying to console his friend.
“Yeah, I know. But I just get so sick of hearing it all the time.”
“I don’t blame you though, I would too.” Austin replied, only to change the subject. “Hey, you want the last of my elephant ear?”
Eric chuckled at Austin’s sudden change of topic, then declined his offer. “No thanks bud. I’m not that hungry.”
“Your loss.” Austin said as he swallowed the last of his sweet. “Hey, can I bum a cigarette?”
“Weren’t you the one that stole some of mine this morning?”
“I didn’t steal them. I just took payment for remembering to bring them since I knew you would forget.”
“Fair enough.” Eric responded, handing over his pack to Austin. “Hey, I know this is a little premature, but Tara and I are thinking about getting a limo to take us to homecoming. So you and whoever you take are welcome to ride with us.”
“Sounds good to me.” Austin replied, paying more attention to the beautiful night sky above them then to Eric’s words.
They both sat in silence for a few minutes, enjoying the peace and quite. Eric, thinking deeply, gently splashed his feet around in the lukewarm pond water. Eric, fixated on the mossy water, didn’t even move his head to look toward Austin when he asked him “Where do you think she is?”
Austin, surprised by the suddenly seriousness in Eric’s voice, asked “Who?”
“My mom. Where do you think she is?”
Austin turned his head back toward the sky. “I don’t know. Your guess is as good as mine.”
“I know. I just wish I had some answers. I want to know why she left me and Joe, why she never came back, and if she even really cares.”
“I’m sure she cares. Mothers always care, even though sometimes they don’t seem too.”
Eric turned his head toward Austin, giving him a small smile. He was glad to have a friend that even though he seemed immature most of the time, always had the right thing to say.
“Maybe you should try calling your uncle again. Maybe he’ll be willing to talk to you about it now that you’re older.” Austin suggested to Eric. Eric’s Uncle Charlie is his only known living relative. Eric was supposed to go live with him in Illinois after Eric’s father was put in prison. But the Thatcher’s offered to take Eric in to their home instead, keeping him near the few people he did know. Eric had only met his uncle once, and that’s when he came to take Eric to Illinois. After some serious convincing, Mr. and Mrs. Thatcher succeeded in having Eric’s uncle let him stay with them.
“I highly doubt it. Whenever I would bring it up, he’d get furious and hang up.” Eric said, shooting down Austin’s suggestion.
The both sat quietly for a few moments, enjoying the night. Eric broke the silence. “Austin, I really appreciate everything you and your family have done for me. You guys didn’t have to take me in, but you did. And I just want to say thank you.” Eric said, putting his pride aside.
Austin reached his arm around Eric and gave him a one-armed hug. “Eric, there’s no way we wouldn’t have taken you in. You ARE family..”
Austin glanced at his watch, then said “We better get to the house, or Mom will have both of our asses.”


(I think this will be the last chapter I post on here. If it is good enough to publish, ill be sure to let you guys know. If not, ill simply post the rest of it for you all to read. Thanks for taking the time to read my story. I appriacte it.)

[Mander]

Well I hope you relent and post the rest of the story for us. I want to know what happens to him and does he find his mother.
You definately have the ability to hook an audience.