Everyone post your favorite jokes!

[AlphaDawg]

It's been a while since we've done one of these... everybody post your favorite jokes... clean or dirty.

Here's one a co-worker told me yesterday, it's semi-dirty:

A husband and wife decide they want to add a little excitement to their sex life, so they decide to go make love out in the wilderness. The husband backs his wife up against a tree and they start going at it. After a while, he decides he wants to take her from behind, so he pulls out and spins her around, but right before he can get started again a bee flies right up his wife's vagina and starts stinging her. She starts screaming in pain so the husband figures he'd better rush her to the hospital. When they get there the doctor says, "well, bees like honey, so how about I put a little honey on the tip of my penis, put it inside your wife, and that bee will come right out?" The husband isn't exactly fond of this suggestion, he would prefer that another man not be inside his woman. But just as he gets done saying that his wife starts screaming in pain again, so he tells the doctor to go ahead and do what he has to do. At first the doctor starts off slowly, but the bee doesn't come out. So he goes a little faster, but still nothing. Then he totally gets into it, going faster and faster, grabbing the wife's ass cheeks, everything. At which point the husband gets pissed, saying "what the hell are you doing?" To which the doctor answers, "That bee ain't coming out so I'm gonna have to drown that motherfucker!"

[Masamune]

semi-dirty? whatever dude.

here's one

a guy walks into a store and asks for some polish sausage.
the clerk asks, "are you polish?"
the man replies, "if i came in here and asked for some german sausage would you ask if i was german?"
"if i asked for some italian sausage would you ask if i was italian?"
"if i asked for a taco would you ask if i was mexican?"
no
then why did you ask?
because this is a hardware store.

[DarkPanther]

A girl enters the top floor of the Empire State Building. The room is fairly empty except for two men standing next to an open window. She notices one of the two men leaning out the window looking down. The other man seems rather relaxed and uninterested in his friends curiosity. Suddenly, the man loses his balance and falls out the window. The girl screams and runs over to it. The man's friend doesn't say anything, but walks away. Terrified the girl looks out the window. To her amazement, just as fast as he fell out, the man comes back IN the window, head first!

"How in the world did you catch yourself??!" she asked with wide eyes.

"Oh, I didn't," the man replied. "It's just as I expected. The legend is true. If you jump out this particular window on a windy day, you'll come right back up and in without a scratch."

In disbelief the girl says, "Do it again...".

The man backs up, runs at the window, and jumps through the opening. She watches him fall. He gets down to about the 5th floor and starts coming back up and sure enough... RIGHT back into the same window.

"Unbelievable!" the girl exclaims.

"Go for it!" the man says excitedly.

The girl backs up, runs at the window and jumps out.

The man doubles over in laughter.

His friend comes back over to him shaking his head, "Dang you're a mean drunk, Superman."

[Pryme8]

There was a farmer and he heard a whole lot of comotion from the barn yard... he went out side with his shot gun and saw the old rooster being chased by the young one he had just bought, so he takes his gun and blows of the yound ones head,

he then goes to town and buys a new rooster, when he brings it to the farm the old rooster speack with the new one and says "because i am old and you are young hte chickens will like you better, so lets have a race and who ever wins get the chikens"
"the young one being cocky replyed ok tommorow 5 times around the bard... Ill even give you 2 lap head start"

the next day all the animals gathered around as the race started just as the young one had said he let the old one have a 2 lap head start, The farmer heing hte comotion came out and saw the young one alomst right on the old one ass, so he took his gun a blew him up, soon his wife came out and said "Damn, thats the 3rd gay one htis week"

[rinaku]

An old woman bought a house. She didn't know what to call it. She asked her son and he said to go into market and the first thing she sees there she should call her house. So she goes to the market and the first thing she sees is a mans hairy chest. So that is what the house is called. Then she gets a dog. She doesnt know what to call it so she goes into market a the first thing she sees is is a womans boobs. So the dog is called "Tits" After a few weeks, she loses her dog. She calls the policemen, and says,
"Officer, I've looked all over my hairy chest, but I cant find my tits!"

[Ultra22Lemming]

This guy was on the road. He then saw this women infront of him who was going to go pass him. The woman had her window open and screamed out to the man "PIG!" Then the man got mad and said "BITCH!" Then a few yards down, the man turned right and ran over a pig.

Here's another one .....

An old woman wants to make a bank account. To one of the bankers suprise there was a ton of money she wanted to deposit(sp?) and so he went and told the president of the bank about this because he was suspicous. So the president asked "Where did you get this money?" She said "I'll make a bet with you for 25,000$. I bet that your balls are square." So he said "Deal." That night he went home to check tht his balls aren't square. When he came back the next day the woman brought a person with her and she said he was a person to confirm the bet. The president pulled down his pants and showed her his balls. She said "Sorry my eyes are not all that great because I'm old, can I feel them?" So the president said "Sure." So the woman got down on her knees to feel them. Then the man she was with started banging his head against the wall. The president asked "Why is he doing the?" Then the woman said "I made a bet with him that he would give me 100,000$ if right now at this time of day I would have the balls of the president of this bank in my hand."

Here's another one:

A blonde, red head, and beret were going to be executed one day after eachother. The blonde was first. She went up on this ledge were she was going to be shot from. The gun man said "3...2...1." At this time the blonde yelled "TWISTER" and everyone ducked including the gunman so she ran away. The red head was the next day .... "3....2.....1." Then she said "HURICANE" Then everyone ducked so she ran. The next day the beret was up and she was thinking "All I have to do is name a natural diaster so I can run." "3....2....1" Then the beret said "FIRE"

That's all that I can think of right now.

[Paradox]

a guy walked into a bar. he said ouch.

two peanuts were walking down the street. one was a salted. (assaulted = a salted, get it? hahahah lol)

those are the quickest jokes you can tell.

[Chris Miller]

Well, one time, for a laugh...
I was stopped at a red light, and I rolled down my window really fast. The dude next to me rolled down his, and I said "Hey, did you fart too?"

I dunno where I heard that, but I decided to use it IRL.:D

[ctrl-alt-delete]

Everything I say you say so did the fat lady.

::clears throat::
I went to the store.

So did the fat lady.

I bought a balloon.

So did the fat lady.

My balloon popped.

So did the fat lady.

LOL, that joke is the shit!!!:drool:

Oh, BTW that was just a joke. I will post a real one now.

There was this lady, and she was standing in her kitchen naked, doing dishes. Her son walked in and said, "Mom, what is that between your legs?" She said, "Um, that is my sponge. It helps me do my dishes." So, her son walked out. Well, she had a daughter, and she didn't want to be confronted with that again, so she put on clothes. Her son walked back in and said, "Mommy, Mommy. Where did your sponge go?" She said, "I think I lost it honey. I will find it later. Don't worry about it. Well, he wanted to find it so he went searching through the house. A few seconds later, he came running back into the kitchen and said, "I found your sponge mommy, I found your sponge." Baffled, she asked, "Where at honey?" The kid said, "The maid is using it to clean daddy's face."