bigjoe
03-21-2002, 10:30 AM
Cold and desolate is the road I must travel , a road of lies , a regretted past , hatred , shame , envy... and lovelessness. Am I living a lie? Must my existence truly be based around so feeble a concept? Must hours of contemplation be spent burning away my mind as I try to find the one answer , the answer to all questions?
Deep are the wounds I have taken inside, deep , inalienable. Horrible though they are , they have filled me with experience and have armored my soul. Yet the pains of life have become those that pierce armor. It seems the harder I have become , the harder life hits me. Therefore I am always left with what I call "the Agony of the Present"
Some speak of going to hell when they die. I am already in hell. What can this proverbial "hell" that they speak of possibly do to make anything worse for me? Physical pain would be a pleasure to this that I feel inside. I do not exaggerate. Id rather be starving , in physical pain , anything , than torn inside to this degree.
Feeble , is the one word I can think of to describe me. Feeble-minded, feeble-willed, feeble-hearted. I have nothing about me with which to gain what would bring me happiness. I can only imagine. Imagine though I will , it hurts ...
The man who sets his eagle free can only weep , for it shall never return. Weep he so that his own selfishness would cause him to take his gun and shoot it down , so that he would not have to be seperate from it. Sometimes I feel I'd rather hurt with someone than not hurt without that person. Am I normal? Or am I crazy?
I cry out for help , but I only seem to get kicked, I pray for a hand to touch my shoulder and take me from this unavoidable sadness, but all I get is indifference, and utter loneliness. A part of growing up , I suppose.
Once or twice was I told that one is more valued when he can endure being alone. I guess that is the only route , the only way to "freedom" be there any such thing...
Well I guess Ill just stick it out ...
Its the only choice you have when youre in Hell ...
Deep are the wounds I have taken inside, deep , inalienable. Horrible though they are , they have filled me with experience and have armored my soul. Yet the pains of life have become those that pierce armor. It seems the harder I have become , the harder life hits me. Therefore I am always left with what I call "the Agony of the Present"
Some speak of going to hell when they die. I am already in hell. What can this proverbial "hell" that they speak of possibly do to make anything worse for me? Physical pain would be a pleasure to this that I feel inside. I do not exaggerate. Id rather be starving , in physical pain , anything , than torn inside to this degree.
Feeble , is the one word I can think of to describe me. Feeble-minded, feeble-willed, feeble-hearted. I have nothing about me with which to gain what would bring me happiness. I can only imagine. Imagine though I will , it hurts ...
The man who sets his eagle free can only weep , for it shall never return. Weep he so that his own selfishness would cause him to take his gun and shoot it down , so that he would not have to be seperate from it. Sometimes I feel I'd rather hurt with someone than not hurt without that person. Am I normal? Or am I crazy?
I cry out for help , but I only seem to get kicked, I pray for a hand to touch my shoulder and take me from this unavoidable sadness, but all I get is indifference, and utter loneliness. A part of growing up , I suppose.
Once or twice was I told that one is more valued when he can endure being alone. I guess that is the only route , the only way to "freedom" be there any such thing...
Well I guess Ill just stick it out ...
Its the only choice you have when youre in Hell ...